Tuesday, December 23, 2008

St. Augustine's Confessions

Ok. I lied. My title tricked some of you into reading this. I am not St. Augustine. St. Augustine was born in 354 ACE and died in 430. He was also a philosopher and theologian, and Bishop of Hippo. And more importantly, St. Augustine was a HE and well, I am not, despite those rumors of me having a "set of brass ones". So, again, to clarify, I am not St. Augustine.

This is also not a confession. I know, I know, but I needed to get the attention of the other millions of people who don't read my blog. Granted, I have my very few fans (who I love dearly for making me believe that I do not talk to myself), but in this fast paced world you need a catchy blog title to get these peoples' attention. I mean, look at LolCatz. A bunch of stupid cat pictures with mispelled captions, a URL about eating cheeseburgers and WHAM! instant internet fame. I've got to be hip and keep up with the times here!

In hindsight, I'm thinking that the title "St. Augustine's Confessions" is probably not the hippest title I could have picked. I think this title may attract that one lone history professor who served with Sherman on his march to the sea and who now looks at the "internetz" as some kind of "hocus pocus malarkey", but hey, there's one more reader for me. Plus, do I really want the type of fan base that is attracted to titles like "Chicks with hawt asses doing guys with strap ons!" or "Robert Pattinson from Twilight is the coolest vampire ever!" (See how I cleverly did that? Now if someone does a search for those, my blog will come up in the keywords. And they will click on it, and come to know the wonder that is me, and then I will feel cool when some tween from tittyfuck [did it again see?], Nebraska wants to "friend" me.)

Anyhow, moving on. Now that I've gotten the title mishap off of my chest I would like to introduce myself:

Hi. I'm Alessia. I'm an atheist. My husband is an atheist. Our son doesn't know any better because he is 2 years old so as far as he's concerned it's not something he's interested in at the moment. I'm telling you this because.....dun dun dun....we celebrate Christmas. Yes. We do. Atheists who celebrate Christmas here. Not the Jesus' Birthday Christmas. Not even the Pagan Festival the Christians Stole Christmas. We celebrate the put-up-a-tree-and-decorate-it-with-Star-Wars-and-ornaments-you-made-in-3rd-grade Santa Claus is coming to town Christmas. Yes. Atheists who celebrate Christmas. That's us.

I tell you this because we have to hear shit from both sides of the fence here. On one side we've got Christians telling us that we're not "allowed" to celebrate Christmas because, as Atheists, we did not get an invitation to Jesus' birthday party and thus cannot even remotely celebrate anything on this day. Not even a good BM or anything! No. We have to sit at home in our Atheist heathen depravity and just pore over science books and have intelligent discussions about the universe and quantum physics and whether or not our new neighbor has a boob job or not. But NO CELEBRATING because we are not friends with Jesus. On the other side we've got Atheists telling us that by celebrating Christmas we're "acknowledging the religious aspect of the holiday and therefore submitting to the idea of the existence of god". Yes, stuffy stick-up-your-ass Atheists really talk like that and I'm with you. They either need a good fuck or a swift kick in the face or both depending on how kinky and how "into it" they really are. So I'm here to clear the air and state clearly and plainly to both sides of the debate: Mind Your Own Damn Business.

To the Christians: you don't hold a monopoly on the holidays. You may think you run the joint, but no, you don't. That's just your egomaniacal two-thousand year history talking and I'm still not listening. The church fathers of long ago, after slaughtering millions of Pagans upon order of "God's Love", decided to incorporate ALREADY EXISTING holidays and folklore into their own and trick the remaining people into blindly following. They had a formula, it worked, I'm not going to fault them for it. But before you start bitching about "let's put the Christ back in Christmas", how about "let's do our homework and read up on history" instead.

To the Atheists: get a sense of humor about life. Seriously. You're draining my very essence with your seriousness. Yes, I get it. There is no afterlife, no heaven, no hell, this is our one shot at life, bible fucks are idiots, and science rocks. I'm with you on all of that, but seriously, can we maybe be mirthful a bit? Just because we know we're mere specks in a vast Universe with no real purpose in life doesn't mean we have to think about the void of nothingness every day! So get off my effing back if I want to put a tree in my house with pretty lights. So what if I want to tell my kid about Santa. No one's ever died in the name of Santa. There have been no jihads in which you hear Santa's name being called as a truck full of C-4 slams into a supermarket. Putting an Xmas tree in my house is not going to magically make me lose all rational thought and start parading around the house singing "Jesus loves the little children" while baking cookies. (Ok, I did bake cookies the other day but I was listening to Rammstein while doing so, but you get the idea.)

Do we understand eachother now? I don't have to follow any sort of holiday rules here. I'm free. I'm free from dogma and ritual and scripture and browbeating and fear that "Mr. Cloud Guy" will be angry with me if I don't please him. I'm also free from following a strict "code of conduct" from a group that shouldn't have one to begin with. If I wanted to celebrate Easter by hiding bowls of spaghetti in people's cars who leave them unlocked, I can. That's the beauty of being an Atheist. I can make up any kind of holiday I want. So get off my back, both of you. Or I will have to celebrate "Smite those that piss me off" Day.

So, from all of us, to all of you Merry Atheist Christmas and a Happy Secular New Year.

Monday, November 24, 2008


1993, Dojo Restaurant, St. Mark's Place, NYC. The scene opens with me, 19 years old, sitting at a table, smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer; dyed black devil lock/shaved head, brooding over the Village Voice and leaving traces of black lipstick on my beer. I've got my 6" platform boots on (you know, the ones with the cool buckles) stretched across another chair while I eye the "fucking lame ass tourists" walk by. A couple of people I know from "the scene" stroll by and notice me.
  • Them: "Hey! What's up. What are you doing?"
  • Me: "Nothing much, just having lunch/dinner/whatever"
  • Them: "Cool. What are you doing tonight?"
  • Me: "I'm going to a show".
  • Them:" Who's playing?"
  • Me: "KMFDM/Front 242/Skinny Puppy/Front Line Assembly/Thrill Kill Kult/whatever"
  • Them: "Ok. See you there."

2008, Super Target, Hollywood, Florida. The scene opens with me, 34 years old, pushing a cart loaded with diapers, milk, bread, tampons, xmas presents, while sitting in the child seat, my son is screaming to go back to the toy section because he "forgot something", dyed red and black hair is falling out of its ponytail and its roots are showing, it hasn't seen a brush in 3 days, brooding over the coupon book and leaving traces of cheddar goldfish across the store's linoleum floor. I've got my crappy flip-flops on (you know the ones I got at K-Mart for $3) while I eye which line is shorter so I can get out of here faster. A couple of people I know from "the scene" (a.k.a. The Mommy Group) see me.
  • Them: "Hey! What's up. What are you doing?"
  • Me: "Nothing much, just trying to get some errands done"
  • Them: "Cool. What are you doing tonight?"
  • Me: "I'm going to a show."
  • Them: "Who's playing?"
  • Me: "The Wiggles"
  • Them: "Ok, see you there!"

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Observations, Rants, and Playing Catch-Up

I've been lax in my blogging. I have. It's not for lack of wanting to blog because I'd get ideas or vents I wanted to post and then something would happen and I would either forget or end-up having to give the dog yet another bath because Dante decided to go Jackson Pollock on her fur. A big shout out to Crayola Washable Markers, because yes, they are. Even on dog fur. I'd also forget to blog because it would be 3 am and I would have the urge to come type, but then I'd fall asleep the moment I logged in. You see, it's hard to find blog time when every second of the day is spent following a little person around who has the talent of finding everything he's not supposed to touch and touch it. The other day he walked into the room where I was folding clothes with this "I have something I'm not supposed to have in my hand" look on his face and the moment I said, "What have you got D", he ran out of the room saying "You can't catch me mommy!". To which I did indeed catch him only to find that he had somehow found a bottle of glitter that we use for arts and crafts time and had decided to sprinkle the rug in his playroom so as to make it look like Liberace had stopped by for a visit. LOVELY. The other day he came over to me as I was packing up the bag for the park and said, "Mommy, I'm all better now, smell." Which in "2 year old code" means, "I've just done something potentially dangerous so don't freak out". Turns out, he had climbed onto the toilet in his bathroom, taken the Baby Vicks cream and rubbed it on his chest. Thankfully he had not eaten any or we'd still be in the hospital, he for poison ingestion and me for a nervous breakdown.

But I'm not complaining. Dante is a great kid, despite the tantrums, the constant use of "no" as an answer to everything, and the infinite numbers of times he says , "but whyyyyyy" to me when I tell him something.
"Dante, please go put your shoes away", I say.
"But whyyyyyyyy", he replies.
"Because we don't leave our shoes all over the house."
"But why mommy we no hab shoo all ober how?"
"Because they're stinky"
"But why dey sticky?"
"Because you have smelly feet Dante now go put them away"
"But why mommy but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
"Because I said so, that's why"

That's pretty much my day. Juxtapose "put away your shoes" with "don't hit the dog", "get your hands out of the garbage", "don't pick up that ant", "please do not throw cheese on the wall", "do you have to go peepee in the potty", and our favorite, "Dante, please stop playing with your penis". I had really nice thick hair before I had a child. My hair now falls out in clumps and looks like straw. I also get zits now. I never used to get zits. Hm. I'm pretty sure there's a connection.

Moving on. THANK THE FRICKING UNIVERSE BARACK OBAMA WON THE ELECTION. Seriously, I was getting very nervous there in the end. I kept having visions of a McCain/Palin administration and the Margaret Atwood book, "The Handmaid's Tale" all coming together as one and I was seriously considering moving my family to New Zealand. I could not believe this election. The campaign that the Republican party ran was one of the ugliest, ignorant, smear-filled ones I have ever seen. It wasn't about issues, it wasn't about policy, it was about a man who was not white running for President and all the talking heads can vehemently deny it, but that's what it was about. Had Barack Obama been blond and blue eyed, from a benign state like Vermont, and had his name been Michael Thomas Smith, I can guarantee you that the race to the White House would have been much, much different. I was so sick and tired of seeing Sarah Palin's face on television. I was so sick and tired of seeing all the YouTube videos of racist, assfucks at these rallies carrying "Obama Monkey" dolls and screaming "socialist" and "kill the n****er". I saw a woman refusing to pass out Halloween candy to children whose parents were voting for Obama; a man "lynching" an Obama effigy from a tree and claiming it was "free speech" and America was a "white Christian nation that should only be led by white Christians"; and I saw more ignorance, hatred, and filth that I would care to see in my lifetime. How happy I was to wake up Wednesday and know that all these backwoods fucks had to eat shit.

Yet unfortunately, it is still continuing; this racist, intolerant bigotry against Obama supporters. You would think that those against him would shut the fuck up now, crawl back to their bunkers and snuggle up to their swastika flags but no, now we've got priests refusing to grant communion to parishioners who voted for Obama, and pastors throwing people out of church for having Obama stickers on their car. Seriously? Really? They claim that they are doing this because of Obama's stance on abortion (B is exceedingly pro-choice) and say that no good Catholic would have voted for Obama and therefore these parishioners are not welcome. Really? Hm. Well, there is a HUGE group in the US called Catholics for Choice. Father Douchebag and his friend Reverend Asslick should look into it. I may be a "crazy atheist" but I vividly remember a passage in the bible that reads "God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him" (John 4:16). Hm. Where does, "if you don't agree with my politics, even though I am a servant of the church and cannot endorse a political candidate, I can kick you out for voting against something I don't agree with" occur in the bible? Is it in Ezekiel? Deuteronomy? Psalms? Maybe it's in the NEW New Testament, the one alloted only to certain asshats and idiots?

Moving on again. Life on Mars. I've been watching this show on ABC every week since it began. It is taken from the BBC show of the same name but I've never seen it so I don't know how true it sticks to its original counterpart. Long story short, the plot centers around a NYC cop in 2008 who gets hit by a car and ends up in NYC in 1973. The whole show is him trying to "get back" to 2008. You get hints that he's in a coma in 2008 and that his life in 1973 may be his subconscious working overtime, but so far it has been a good show. Michael Imperioli, a.k.a. Christopher Moltisanti from The Sopranos is on it, and he's great. It's also stars Harvey Keitel and is filmed in the retro-sepia-style film. I feel like I'm watching Starsky and Hutch sometimes. Anyhow, I was loving this show; part sci-fi, part cop drama, it was engaging. And then they had to go screw it all up by making it all about prayer and god and jesus. Seriously. I was banging my head on the table at last week's episode. The story was centered around the "killing" of a little girl. Her supposed killer sought sanctuary in a neighborhood church and our future cop, while interrogating the priest, reveals that he's doesn't believe in "your god" (while speaking to the priest) and that he has no interest in "praying for the soul of the little girl". Here I am all excited that there's finally an atheist character on TV who isn't in a Seth McFarlane cartoon or on WifeSwap. Yet my elation doesn't last long as the whole show turns into this "I need to find god again so I can come out of my coma and get back to 2008" bullcrap. The end of the episode has our hero PRAYING at his bedside. So, in a nutshell, fuck you Life on Mars. Go choke on a bible.

What else? Still no bun in the oven. Well there was a bun in the oven but I lost it last month. Yes, sad. Yes, frustrating. Yes, discouraging. But it just means we get to keep trying. It's so strange how I spent most of my youth trying not to get pregnant and now when I do want to get knocked-up, it's become this complicated and difficult process. I never thought I'd say I was getting sick of having sex, but, I'm sick of having sex. Now it's more like, "Hey honey come over here and stick it in for a second before D wakes up from nap". My poor Randy is all trying to be romantic and sexy and I'm just like, "Ok dude, just back and forth, in and out, and let your boys go swimming, I've got to fold some laundry". Pretty raunchy eh? Fingers crossed that one of these days I'll write with some good news.

I think that sums up most of the stuff I wanted to vent about. Oh no, wait. One more thing. It's quick because I don't have that much info. There's a new remake coming out. Now, you all know how I feel about remakes, (see The Curse of the Remake for a gauge) so you won't be surprised to hear of my absolute disgust in discovering that there is a remake slated for 2010 of the 1979 classic film Meatballs. Yes, I said it. Some asswipe is remaking Meatballs. On that note, I will leave you with my son's two favorite words which, I believe, express my feelings perfectly upon hearing this news:


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Say Wha? V 2.0

Here are a couple of quick facts regarding the presidential/vice presidential race. Mind you, these are FACTS. Not something the left-wing media has cooked up to make one candidate outshine another, but actual written evidentiary proof of information. I've highlighted key points.

Sarah Palin's education history: Palin attended Hawaii Pacific College in Hilo, Hawaii, in 1982 for a semester, where she majored in Business Administration, and transferred in 1983 to North Idaho College for the 1983-1984 school year. After winning a scholarship, she transferred to Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska for one term before transferring back to the University of Idaho the following year where she finished out her college education and received a Bachelor of Science degree in communications-journalism from the University of Idaho in 1987, where she also minored in political science.

Outstanding Achievements:
In 1988, she worked as a sports reporter for KTUU-TV and KTVA-TV in Anchorage, Alaska and for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman as a sports reporter.She also helped in her husband’scommercial fishing family business.

She ran for Wasilla city council in 1992, at age 28, against John Hartrick, a local telephone company worker, on a promise to bring "my progressive, competitive attitude" to the government.She won 530 votes to John Hartrick’s 310.On the council, she successfully opposed a measure to curtail the hours at Wasilla's bars by two hours.

During her first legislative session, Governor Palin’s administration passed two major pieces of legislation – an overhaul of the state’s ethics laws and a competitive process to construct a gas pipeline.

Governor Palin is chair of the Interstate Oil and Gas Compact Commission, a multi-state government agency that promotes the conservation and efficient recovery of domestic oil and natural gas resources while protecting health, safety and the environment. She was recently named chair of the National Governors Association (NGA) Natural Resources Committee, which is charged with pursuing legislation to ensure state needs are considered as federal policy is formulated in the areas of agriculture, energy, environmental protection and natural resource management. Prior to being named to this position, she served as co-chair of this committee.

Prior to her election as governor, Palin served two terms on the Wasilla City Council and two terms as the mayor/manager of Wasilla. During her tenure, she reduced property tax levels while increasing services and made Wasilla a business friendly environment, drawing in new industry.

Prior to taking office, Palin served on numerous boards and commissions throughout the state. She was active in her family’s pursuits – including serving as a sports team mom and school volunteer. She also runs marathons.


Joe Biden's education history: In 1961, Biden graduated from Archmere Academy in Claymont, Delaware and, in 1965, from the University of Delaware in Newark where he double-majored in and political science. He went on to receive his J.D. from Syracuse University College of Law in 1968, and was admitted to the Delaware Bar in 1969.

Outstanding Achievements:
During Biden's 34 years in the senate, he's been recognized as a leader in foreign policy, as well as one of the nation's most influential voices on terrorism, drug policy, and crime.

Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee
Long-standing member and former Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee
Co-Chairman of the International Narcotics Control Caucus

He served an instrumental role in passing the bipartisan initiative to create a Commission on Civil Rights in 1983, to introducing the 1986 Global Climate Protection Act, to establishing an annual National Mammography Awareness Day, and to authoring the Rail Security Act of 2007 to regulate the transportation of hazardous materials on American railways, Senator Biden consistently works to tackle America's toughest challenges.

Authored the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994
2007 Biden Crime Bill

Recently introduced the College Affordability and Creating Chances for Educational Success for Students (ACCESS) Act

He also authored legislation to help foreign countries address the threats of bioterrorism and nuclear or radiological ("dirty bombs") terrorism. And he sought to expand programs to destroy unsecured weapons of mass destruction and dangerous materials in the former Soviet Union and beyond.

source: http://biden.senate.gov

So I guess my biggest question to the American people is:


Friday, October 3, 2008

Say Wha?

Last night, as I worked at my computer as a ChaCha Guide, I had the VP debates on and was listening to them intently. I already know who I support in this election, so my reason for watching was more to try and spot the hidden earpiece Sarah Palin would be wearing, but instead I was bombarded with "you betcha's" and "Maaaaaaverick" every other word. Biden was clearly the "winner" in my eyes, coming across as a seasoned, intelligent, politician while Palin just looked like a deer in the headlights; Stepford eyes winking at the camera every chance she got, and sounding like she was just gearing up for a dinner at the Hometown Buffet with her children who are all named after dogs (Trig, Trip, Tracker, where the fuck is Spot and Fido?)

There was one instance, though, in which I had to stop what I was doing and stare dumfoundedly at the television; mouth agape; muttering to myself, "Oh no she didn't!". This is an excerpt of the quote by Sarah Palin taken from the official transcripts from CNN:

"..... who hate America and hate what we stand for, with our freedoms, our democracy, our tolerance, our respect for women's rights, those who would try to destroy what we stand for cannot....."

Wait.....What? What did she just say? "Our respect for women's rights"? Hold the phone here. Sarah Palin has absolutely NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS. How the hell can she say that? Let's look at this so-called respect Sarah Palin has for women's rights:

  • Rejected sympathy for Down's Syndrome son, as gift from God.
  • Opposes embryonic stem cell research.
  • Every baby is created with a future and potential.
  • Adoption is best plan for permanency for foster care kids.
  • Pro-life.
  • Choose life, even if her own daughter were raped.
  • If Roe v. Wade got overturned, let people decide what's next.
  • Opposes use of public funds for abortions.
  • Pro-contraception, pro-woman, pro-life.
  • When Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, the city billed sexual assault victims and their insurance companies for the cost of rape kits and forensic examinations.
  • Is a member of an anti-abortion organization called Feminists for Life.
  • She is opposed to explicit sex education.

Um, ok. Where are the women's rights she's talking about? The right to cook dinner for your husband Rifle or whatever the fuck his name is? The right to clean the house and then do the grocery shopping all the while taking care of 17 kids? I'm not exactly sure what "women's rights" Sarah is talking about since she seems to be opposed to each and every right women are entitled to.

See, it's women like Sarah Palin that piss me off immensely. She's riding on the coattails of the hundreds of women who shed blood, cried tears, and fought tooth and nail to achieve equality for women in the workplace, in government, in the home and more importantly with themselves. She owes her position, her ability to run as a Vice Presidential candidate to these women, yet her outdated archaic bullshit thinking tarnishes and defames everything that these pioneers and champions of women's rights stood for. How can she, as a woman, as a second class citizen, support and condone the patriarchal, mysogynistic agenda of the Republican, religious right; which seeks to pidgeonhole women into a role of submission, of mere incubators for unwanted children, and as liable and responsible parties to their own abuse? She's like what Clarence Thomas is to black people. They stand for everything that degrades and demeans who they are.

It's like those evangelical gay republican christian groups. How confused are those people?

I cannot believe the American people are this stupid that they would fall this thing named Sarah Palin. I've just spent the last 8 years averting my eyes everytime Dubya came on screen because he made me physically ill. I don't want that to happen for the next four. I can't look at her. She infuriates me. Are the American people this stupid? I sincerely hope not.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I was just informed that today is being hailed as Patriots Day. Patriots Day. Are you fucking kidding me? Patriots?!?!? Who the hell decided this travesty. Oh wait, let me guess, Idiot #1 and Idiot #2 in the White House? P-A-T-R-I-O-T Day. Nice.

Let's define the word "patriot" shall we?

Main Entry: pa·tri·ot
Pronunciation: \ˈpā-trē-ət, -ˌät, chiefly British ˈpa-trē-ət\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle French patriote compatriot, from Late Latin patriota, from Greek patriōtēs, from patria lineage, from patr-, patēr father
Date: 1605
: one who loves his or her country and supports its authority and interests

Um, ok. What the fuck does that have to do with being killed in a terrorist attack? There is NOTHING inherently 'patriotic' about being murdered at the hands of religious fanatics. How about calling it "Our government caused this Day" or how about "3000 people died conveniently so our government could go to war Day". Those would be more appropriate. But no. Whatever douchebag is in charge of making up holiday (as if this is even a holiday) names, decided to come up with the ever disgusting "Patriots Day". Please to explain WHO are these patriots and WHY are they being honored today? Last I checked 99.9999999% of the victims of September 11th were innocent people going about their daily business. So, they get blown up by a couple of Islamofascists and automatically they're patriots!?!?!

In my humble and demure opinion (*snicker*) calling today "Patriots Day" completely tarnishes the severity of and humbling events that occurred seven years ago. It makes it sound Orwellian and militaristic, as though everyone that was at the WTC that day was goose stepping in straight rows chanting "We love America" every step of the way. It wasn't the Ministry of Defense, Big Brother wasn't watching, and it certainly wasn't a day for "patriots". Give me a break.

Calling today "Patriot Day" also implies, at least to me, that the victims were martyrs. Yet, WHOSE cause did they die for? Certainly not Mohammed Atta's and his twelve accomplices' cause. After all, they were "big bad Muslims" and thus believed in Allah who is not the same as the Christian god. Well, actually he is, but tell that to any fundamentalist and they'll scream holy hell at you. So, if in fact, the victims of September 11th 2001 were martyrs but not for the Islamofascists, THAT means they died for the causes of The United States Government. Oh guffaw guffaw, that means that the US knew something like this was going to happen and thus the "collateral damage" that ensued was justified to propel their cause. Hm. Really? Well then, of course, they're Patriots all right.

Maybe Patriots Day refers NOT to the victims of the WTC attacks but to the thousands of men and women in the armed forces that have given life and limb to fight an illegal and unjust war. Yet, if we look at the definition of "patriot" above, how many soldiers serving now or back home actually support what they and their brothers and sisters are doing. Not many, I'm sure. Certainly not these soldiers:

Iraq Veterans Against the War

Veterans Against the Iraq War

But no, THOSE guys aren't patriots so we should just ignore what they have to say. Patriots are better off as silent, dead people who can't stand up and voice their opinions. So, I guess calling today Patriots Day is fitting. Idiots will wave their flags at the side of the road, random Arabs or "Arab looking" people will get the shit beat out of them today for "lookin' like a terrorist", and the propaganda machine will keep on spinning out lies and deceit while more and more American soldiers and civilians will be shipped home in boxes and more and more Iraqis will be burying their sons, daughters, mothers, and fathers.

Happy Patriots Day you stupid fucks. I will sit here quietly and reflect upon the events of September 11th and the lesson the world SHOULD have learned from that day, instead of the profitable opportunities, both in money and in blood, it has gleaned.

In Remembrance

Wednesday, September 3, 2008



I love Beverly Hills 90210. I love that show. I watched it from its inception in 1990 aaaallllll the way to its grand finale in 2000. Ten years of Dylan, Kelly, Brandon, Donna, Steve, David, Brenda, Andrea (pronounced "ON-dreeeee-uh") and all the other characters that floated in and out of the show. It started when I was a Senior in High School and all of us gals would gather at our friend Lisa Perlman's house EVERY WEDNESDAY to watch "Bev 9" as we cool girls called it.

I will not lie nor ever deny that I LOVED 90210. I STILL love it; the reruns that is, that play on SOAPNet every day at 5pm. I get to watch Brenda try and bleach her hair in one of the first episodes so she could fit in with Kelly and Donna better and, instead, ends up with green hair. I get to see Andrea lust after Brandon as he tries to score with everything moving. I get to see David Silver go from "not" to "hot" coincidentally after his friend Scotty shoots himself. Or the ever growing bustline of Donna Martin as her boobs get bigger and her waistline smaller. Or Kelly joining a cult after she almost dies in a fire and goes lesbian for about three minutes. CLASSIC BEV 9! I LOVE IT!

Yet the powers of TV that be have decided bring back Beverly Hills 90210 and last night was the 2-hour premiere. I was excited to watch it. After all, I had been reading the "buzz" that some old faces would be making cameos AND also be there as permanent cast members! Great, I thought, it's going to be just like the new Degrassi High episodes that I love that have Joey and Caitlin in them from when I watched Degrassi back in the 80s! They reprised their roles and the show is AWESOME! I love Degrassi. Then and now. Sue Me.

Anyhow, back to the New Bev 9. I DVR'ed it last night as I was at my weekly FLASH meeting and thus would miss the first hour. So when I arrived home, I grabbed my dinner plate that Randy kept warm for me, propped up our little TV table, and proceeded to enter "TV Nirvana" with these new episodes of my 90210.

So I thought.

Not Quite.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY 90210?!?!?!? It was so contrived!!!! It was so predictable!!! Wait. Hang on. Maybe the OLD Bev 9 was contrived and predictable, but at 16 I didn't know any better? Now at 34 I just noticed it more? No matter, the new Bev 9 promises to be full of drama and scandal and treachery and blow jobs. Seriously, one of the first scenes in the first ten minutes was "Ethan" the cool guy getting a hummer in his Hummer on the first day of school in the parking lot while kids walked by, by someone who was *NOT* (shocker!) his girlfriend.

But I digress.

Kelly and Brandon have been replaced with Annie and Dixon who are brother and sister. Not twins and not even biological brother and sister as is made OBVIOUSLY clear in the first 3 seconds of the show as Annie and her mom and dad (Lori Loughling from Full House and Rob Estes from Melrose Place) are white and Dixon is black. So, right away there's a controversy right there. Add in the fact that Dad is the new principal of West Bev, you've got at least 650 story lines to go from there. Oh, and instead of being from Minnesota like the Walshes were, The Wilsons are from Wichita, Kansas. Nice.

Then of course, you've got the "bitch" character who is above schoolwork and has a posse. The Lacrosse team jocks who, of course, can't stand that "black guy" Dixon wants to join the team. Drug addicted, pill popping cool girl who does drugs because her mom can't pay the mortgage. The subversive film rebel nicknamed "Silver", whose real name is Erin. (Yep, you guessed it. That's David and Kelly's sister: Mel Silver and Jackie Taylor's love child from classic Bev 9). And the usual cast of "nerds" at the school paper which includes another "all-grownup character" Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez (Andrea Zuckerman's and Jesse Vasquez's progeny from their marriage in classic Bev 9). Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) is back as West Beverly's guidance couselor and had a 4 year old son which has been *HINTED* as to being Brandon's and Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) is back as well, although in what capacity, who knows.

Though I am certainly biased (and almost 20 years older), I plan on watching this new Bev 9 and being a cynical old bat in the process.


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sasuke, Suki Desu

In Japanese, that means: Ninja Warrior, I love you. Because, in essence, I do indeed love Ninja Warrior very much. If you have no idea what I am talking about, tune to your nearest G4 channel around 9pm every weeknight and see what I mean. Or, if you have a crappy cable company and don't have G4, try THIS instead and see what the hub-bub is all about.

Anyhow, you may assume that I love Ninja Warrior because of the obstacles and strange characters that attempt to conquer Mount Fidoriyama. But no, the reason I love NW so much is for a much, much, MUCH more shallow reason.

I present to you Shunsuke Nagasaki:


Shunsuke is 21 years old and fucking gorgeous! Sorry, but I have a "thing" for Japanese men. I don't care what the "myth" is about what they supposedly carry in their pant, I love them. I am reminded of every hot video game, manga, anime guy I ever had a crush on: Dante from Devil May Cry, Auron from Final Fantasy, all those Dragoons in The Legend of Dragoon, Wakka from FF 10, the list is endless. Japanese guys are H.O.T.!

But if you think Shunsuke is the only man-meat worth looking at, please to introduce you to Kazuhiko Akiyama:


Kazuhiko is 35 years old and makes his living as a crab fisherman. I'm not even going to insert a dirty reference to how he can plunder my depths for crabs. Nope, I'm not.

And, of course, I cannot fail to mention Mr. Ninja Warrior himself, the first man to ever complete all four stages of NW, and one fine ass mo'fo, Makoto Nagano:


Makoto is 36 years old, is captain of a fishing boat, and spends 300 days at sea. I will not make any "deep sea" innuendos here either.

Along with these Ninja Warrior "All Stars" as they are known, there are also many other gorgeous Japanese men that attempt to conquer the obstacles. Sho Kosugi's sons Shane and Kane who are pretty cute, countless atheletes and models who, although may not finish the course, make up for it in their damn fine-ness, and strange characters like "the human butterfly" and "the naked ballet dancer". Ninja Warrior also breeds inspirational characters like "the world's toughest transexual" Hibari who, although has never completed Stage 1, competes in the name of all transexuals across the world. Trust me, this chick is tough, and really cool looking to boot.

So, thus is why Suki Desu ( I love you), Sasuke (Ninja Warrior). You give me Hot Japanese Guy Eye Candy double happiness super fun time pleasing day.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sesame Street XXX

Funny how a random "censored" bleep changes the whole perspective of a television show. So funny I had to share.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Prioritizing the News

I've discovered that a combination of getting older and being a "mommy" has changed the way I look at the news and the way different news stories affect me. I was talking to my friend via email earlier about how I used to be this "never say die" bad ass chick with no thought of the outside world other than who, what, where I was seeing, doing or going that night at whatever club I ended up. Sure, I had my mini political outbreaks here and there; expressing outrage at the closing down of a local Planned Parenthood; volunteering at a local clinic helping women enter the doors past the throngs of mindless idiots praying; writing letters to a senator telling him to keep church and state separate. I had my activist moments, but I was mostly focused on the nightlife, Manhattan at midnight, walking down Houston street to The Bank or over to Avenue A to dance the night away at The Pyramid. How incredible were those days.

But I'm here now. NYC is 5 long years gone from underfoot and my life has changed a thousand fold. I'm over 30 (34 to be exact), I'm married for the second time (the first one was a practice run), and I am a mother to an incredible, intelligent, insightful, 2 year old boy. We're even attempting to get pregnant again; a feat that is more difficult than it sounds (and extremely more tiring). Had you told me this back in 2003, I would half laughed hysterically in your face and then probably drop kicked you to the ground. Funny how the wheel of fortune spins?

Anyhow, back to my original intent of this post: The News. I read the news differently now and stories that I once would never read or just gloss over seem to affect me deeply now. For example, I read the other day that dissident author Alexander Solzhenitsyn died. Normally, I would have pored over the details and mourned the loss of this man, but instead another story caught my eye: Christina Applegate is battling Breast Cancer. Now, I know what you're saying, "You're prioritizing some blonde actress' cancer troubles over the author who exposed Russian cruelty in the gulag?!?!?"

Yes. I am . You see, Christina Applegate is me. Rather I am just like her. She's in her mid-30s, is a mom, and is a woman. I glossed over Mr. Solzhenitsyn's obituary because I don't relate to him. I grew up with Christina Applegate as Kelly Bundy on Married with Children, have loved watching her in her cheesy movies and TV shows, and now I feel like one of my friends is sick. Why her? Why anyone, for that matter? See, this is where that whole issue comes up with me. The whole "god" issue. How can someone justify the existence of this being after seeing a loved one diagnosed with a horrible disease or maimed or killed or just plain ol' fucked up? "He's testing us", they'll tell you. I say, "If your god wanted to test someone, why not just send down some math problems and be done with it?". Seriously.

But I digress. This is not a post about how silly I think the concept of a god is, nor is it a rant about my atheism. I'll be sure to post one of those sooner or later.

Ask me about the Olympics. Who cares. Seriously, with what is going on in the world do I give two cents if some 40 year old female swimmer can outswim a 20 year old? Do I care if the US wins gold medals? How can people care about these things when a little boy named Rakan Hassan is murdered? As a mom, I wept for this child. As a human being, I wept for this child. Who gives a crap about the olympics or Paris Hilton or Britney Spears or that John McCain is running ads with Obama being compared to them? Honestly, are the American people this stupid that they are distracted so easily?

These are the stories that affect me; that hit close to home. Rakan was 12, innocent in the turmoils of the world, yet he suffered at the hands of the most terrible of evils; one that would kill children. Sure, the right wingers will tell you that a casualty count of over 1 million Iraqi dead is trivial and unimportant, but if we single it down to one death and count Rakan as that one, that is still one death too many. Listening to Air America the other day on the Stephanie Miller show, a right winger named Tom (I think) called in and commented that it "wasn't 1 million deaths, it was closer to 700,000" and that "liberals are always exaggerating". 1 million vs. 700,000. What's the difference?

So that's the news from where I stand. Film at 11.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Remake I Can Approve Of

If you don't know from reading my past blogs (like The Curse of the Remake), you know that I don't take too kindly to people remaking things. Whether it be movies, or music, or toys or commericals, or whatever. When that stupid kindergoth band Orgy remade New Order's "Blue Monday", I about wanted to drop kick my radio everytime they played it. Then this douchebaggy 12-year old emo pop punk band The Ataris takes Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" (one of my all time favorite songs) and changes the lyrics from "I saw a Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac" to this oh-look-at-us-we're-so-cool, "I saw a Black Flag sticker.....". Puh-leeze. Like any of them knew who Rollins was before it was cool to know who Rollins was.

But I digress. I have found a remake that has passed my strict hatred of "the remake". Now, we all remember Depeche Mode's incredible album, Black Celebration, and this little ditty (another one of my all time favorites):

Stripped (Depeche Mode)

Fucking fantastic song, right? I mean, look how cute they were. All young and pre-strung out on heroin. Dave Gahan still had that fresh boy look and Martin Gore was rocking the bondage. Those were my Depeche Mode boys. LOVED them. Still do. And Stripped makes me tingle.

Then, I came across this recently by Shiny Toy Guns, whose album "We Are Pilots" is so awesome that I feel the need to dance everytime I hear it. I think we can agree that their remake of an already amazing song is truly, truly, amazing in itself. The video is lame (it's not the band video so bear with) You be the judge:

Stripped (Shiny Toy Guns)

I rest my case

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Red Sky: Redux

With apologies to Love the Eclectic Life, whose Red Sky post inspired me to think of this and now it is stuck in my head. Here's to sharing it with you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Common Sense and Consideration

It's 4am. It's 4 effing am. Ask me what the hell I am doing "blogging" at this hour. The old me, (read: pre-kid me) would usually just be getting home from dancing all night to Covenant's "Dead Stars" or the latest release from VNV Nation. But this is the new me, the mom, the old lady who goes to bed at 10, reads her book club assigned reading, and is asleep before 11.

I'm awake and blogging because some idiot 2 STREETS OVER has decided to party like it's 1999 and blast this reggae/hip-hop/techno/rick james/sean paul club remix from
  • their car?
  • their house?
  • a bad radio?
  • 2 turntables and a microphone?

No clue. I have no clue what Mr. DJ over there is playing this shit from but it woke me, woke Randy, and caused the neighbor's dog to start howling right by the window Dante's room faces, and guess what happened then? Fucking asshole. Right now, I've got The Smiths running through my head with choruses of "Hang the DJ" repeating themselves over and over again.

Who, in their right mind, looks at their watch and says, "Hey look, it's 3:30 in the morning, let me blast my music so the whole neighborhood can know that I have both bad taste in music and little or no consideration for the fact that it's 3:30 in the FUCKING MORNING and people are probably sleeping." Really. Who does that? I bet it's the same guy who drives in the middle of the road instead of picking a lane. Or the guy who throws their trash all over a kid's playground. Or the guy who sits there in a public place, like a restaurant or shop, on their cell phone and talks so loud about "bid'ness" or "bitches" with no regard that there are little children near them. Or even These Guys over at Nanny Goats in Panties.

What ever happened to common sense and consideration? Where is the logic in blasting your music in the middle of the night? Who thinks that this is ok? Even if you come from Broken Home Town and your name is Orphan McLonelyton, and you've been raised by wolves and have no social graces, what could possibly compel you to think that "3:30 am" plus "stereo" plus "this one goes to eleven", is a good and sound choice?

The irony is always this: I call the police to report noise violation and by the time the get their derrieres over here, the music is either turned down or Lawrence Welk has decided to turn in for the night. Either way, no citation is issued, no wrists slapped, no evidence of noise, and I look the "that crazy lady who hears things in the night". I wonder if that happened tonight as I was sitting here with my watery eyes, staring at this bright white computer screen.

I guess I'll go read until Reggaefest Craputron 2008 ends.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dante: The Omen Revisited

First things first. Whoever coined the term "terrible twos" needs a swift kick in the face. The twos aren't "terrible". "Terrible" is a cutsey word that reminds me of something in a Maurice Sendak book, or the sound of the Heffalump in a Winnie-th-Pooh book, or something that Alice would mutter as she's falling down the rabbit hole. "Terrible" is certainly not the correct adjective for describing the dispostion of a two-year old.

Here are some words that I think would be better suited:Photobucket
  • possessed
  • demonic
  • incorrigible
  • obstinate
  • intolerable
  • cancerous
  • exhausting
  • debilitating
  • dumbfounding
  • fucking ridiculous

See? "Terrible" is such a wimpy word. It's as though whoever coined it had a child who wouldn't eat their peas and then went to bed ten minutes later. "Oh look", they probably said, "Miffy is being terribly awful and she shan't have dessert". Yea. Dessert this, and here's a shovel to your face.

Let me elaborate:

What was once this precious little lima bean of a baby boy has become this grouchy, grumpy, satan spawn from the pit of Hades who says "no" every other word, runs about the house screaming and breaking things, has developed selective hearing especially when he's smearing yogurt all over himself and the floor, who cries and stomps and screams if he doesn't get his way, who pouts and kicks, and hits (yes, he hits despite the fact that no one in this house has ever raised a hand in anger toward him...well except for that one time he broke free from me and ran into the middle of the street and he got a potch on his rear). As a matter of fact, he's throwing a tantrum right now as a type this because I won't let him play with the telephone cord and a pair of scissors. Yes, I know, I'm a horrible mother because I won't let him play with scissors. At least, that's what he thinks at the moment. Oh look, now he's thrown himself on the floor and is screaming "right now" at me as though that would suddenly make me say, "Oh, the scissors! Sure go ahead".

Fat chance kiddo.

Now he's screaming at Randy because he wants to be pushed around the house in one of our office chairs and Randy, having worked all day on his feet, wants to sit and relax before dinner. "More Daddy! Right now!" are the melodious sounds I am currently hearing from the living room and my poor husband sighing after each scream.

Where the hell is that cute kid I gave birth to? Where did that curious infant and toddler go who was just learning words and how to walk and would take in everything we said and did and think we were the coolest things ever? No, now we have Mr. Yelly McYellerton who throws tantrums. We have Mr. I Will Make You Want to Rip Your Hair Out every ten seconds with my incessant whining (which I totally blame on that STUPID FUCKING idiot show Caillou that I made the mistake of letting him watch one morning while I took a shower where the kids whines every six seconds about crap).nocaillou

They say three is worse. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust....

Jesse Helms, so sad to see you go. It's times like these that I wish I believed in a hell so I could tell ol' Jesse to say hello to Jerry Falwell. Ah, Jesse, they say one shouldn't speak ill of the dead, so I'll let you do the talking for yourself.

I've been portrayed as a caveman by some. That's not true. I'm a conservative progressive, and that means I think all men are equal, be they slants, beaners, or niggers.
-- Jesse Helms, North Carolina Progressive, February 6, 1985, quoted from the Democratic Alliance, "Yes, They Really Said It!"

Nevertheless, if the Administration insists on funding these programs I shall not stand in the way, so long as you agree to the following conditions: 1) that no funds be obligated to any affiliate of the International Planned Parenthood Foundation (IPPF) in Haiti, including PROFAMIL; and 2) that no funds be provided directly or indirectly to any group whose programs include producing material intended to be used in a voodoo ceremony ... AID is funding programs that endorse or legitimize what amounts to witchcraft."-- Jesse Helms, quoted in Mat Honan, "Jesse Helms' Political Voodoo," Mojo, March 23, 1999

This bill attempts to make sure that President Clinton is not allowed to do by Executive Order what Congress has declined to enact in the past two congressional sessions namely, to treat homosexuals as a special class protected under various titles of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
-- Jesse Helms, introducing an anti-gay bill in January, 1999, quoted from Rhonda Smith, "Jesse Helms Introduces Anti-Gay Bill," The Washington Blade, February 26, 1999

Your tax dollars are being used to pay for grade school classes that teach our children that CANNIBALISM, WIFE-SWAPPING, and the MURDER of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior.
-- Jesse Helms, part of the text of a fundraising mailer sent out by the Helms campaign, quoted from House of Crooks

Fuck You Jesse. The world is a better place without you. Unfortunately, there are still more of you yet to snuff it. *cough cough Bill O'Reilly cough cough*

Thursday, June 26, 2008

How to Make a Two Year Old's Day

Dante will be two years old in a couple of weeks. If I told you that I have no idea where these last two years went, would you think I was crazy? Because, honestly, it seems like yesterday I was bringing home this little seven pound lima bean who would hang on to my finger for dear life while nursing. Now, he's this 27 pound giganto-kid who has boycotted kisses and runs away from us. Oh well.

Anyway, Dante's birthday present arrived today and let's just say that if the kid knew how to say "Holy SHIT!", he probably would have said it. Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is how to make your two year old lose it:


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Law and Order: Criminally Sexy Intent

I have a crush on Vincent D'Onofrio.

Actually, I'm not sure if I have a crush on Vincent himself, or the character, Detective Robert Goren, that he plays on Law and Order: Criminal Intent.


I've seen movies he's been in, and I've never really considered him a "hottie", but when I see him as Goren, I just get all goofy and googy and LOVE HIM.

Apparently, I'm not the only one, as I've found a plethora of Vincent/Goren videos on youtube from women professing their love.

Well, hands off bitches. He's mine.

Friday, June 20, 2008

It's Official..........

...........I'm old. I just saw a Payless Shoe Source commercial and the music was Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough". *sigh*

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Pictures of You

I found this picture of Dante and me from almost one year ago, when he was about to turn one. Now, we're almost at his second birthday and he is so different! Oh how I dread the day when I look at him and he's 15 and all puberty-ish and all talk backy and cranky and hairy and horny. Let me savor him like this.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Think of the Children!!!

An idiot wrote this in today's paper:

What is museum exhibit teaching?
June 7, 2008

Why is the Museum of Discovery and Science in Fort Lauderdale dissecting frogs?

The museum is touting "Frogs: A Chorus of Colors" as a special exhibit. It would seem that they believe that the correct way to celebrate frogs is by dissecting them.

I spoke to a museum representative. Her response was "dissecting frogs is science." I told her that I didn't believe dissecting frogs in front of children the smartest thing the museum could do. She told me to look at "Bodies": It's drawing huge crowds. One assumes that means that drawing crowds is what the museum is after, not science.

Many high schools and colleges use computer programs like "Virtual Frog Dissection." But I guess that wouldn't turn any of those impressionable children into budding scientists.

I wonder how many kids will leave the museum and then decide it's OK to start taking small creatures apart?

Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxx

This is my letter to the editor response:

Regarding the June 7th letter by Xxxxx Xxxxxx,stating that the scientific dissection of frogs would thus cause children to go out and start cutting up small animals:

Quite the leap from "budding scientist" to "crazed animal mutilator" solely because the museum included frog dissection in its exhibit, wouldn't one agree? Ms.Xxxxxx should keep in mind that scientists and innovators like Richard Lower, who discovered the methods of modern blood transfusion in the mid 17th century or Leonardo DaVinci, whose anatomical sketches revolutionized the 15th century's medical world, both used human and animal dissection to reach their incredible conclusions. The Museum of Discovery and Science, by including frog dissection as part of its exhibit, is simply living up to its name and reputation of bringing "discovery" and "science" to all: children and adults alike. Following Ms. Xxxxxx's "logic", would she assume that a trip to the meat counter at the grocery store would compel a child to butcher and filet animals as well?

It's such a shame to see that even positive and incredibly interesting aspects of our childrens' education are going to be scrutinized, criticized, and in some cases, attempted to be stopped by closedminded and extremely fatalistic individuals. Instead of concerning ourselves with our children learning about science and the inner workings of such fascinating creatures, why not focus our energies on safeguarding and supporting these museums and their programs in order to ensure that the children who inherit this earth are the innovators and scientists of the future.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

How to spell "Irony"

We've been trying to conceive. Yes, it's true, Randy and I are trying to produce another heathen free thinking baby to overthrow the balance of nature according to *ahem cough cough cough* "god's plan". So of course, we've been having lots of sex, which started out being quite fun, but now has become more like "C'mere and stick it in, I have to do laundry so hurry up".

My last period was March 3. Yes, March 3rd. Three months ago. Yet every pregnancy test I have taken has come up negative. Not for lack of trying, though, and thus we were getting very discouraged. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to see a doctor. Trust me, I HATE going to the doctor and with no health insurance, one has to be extremely selective on when and why going to the doctor is necessary. But, Randy and I agreed that 3 months and no period plus negative pregnancy tests meant that a doctor was needed to tell us what was going on. So I called a clinic and made an appointment for today, got my mom to come and watch Dante and went.

So here's the irony. I get to the doctor. They give me a urine test (which comes up negative, surprise surprise). I get naked and lie down on the table, place my feet in the stirrups, say hello to the extremely nice doctor, and get ready for the icky part. The doctor puts in the speculum and................

I get my period.

Cosmos for Rednecks

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Publix + Jesus = BFF

Seeing a pattern? If not, please refer to my previous post and then laugh at my hysterical joke. If you don't laugh, well, tough.

Anyhow, here's a little tidbit of information for my mommies out there: Atheist, jewish, catholic, buddhist, rastafari, muslim, great-pumpkinites, whatever. Did you know that Publix is BFF with Jesus? I didn't. And I like Publix. My neighborhood Publix is awesome. The manager, a very dashing Mr. Tom Chiles is one very cool cat and always makes an effort to say hello. Plus, the store is clean and nice and has great food and Dante always gets a cookie from Rhonda at the Bakery. So, I like Publix. Publix is my friend. I like Publix so much that when Dante was born, I joined their Baby Club and got a big childcare book for free (a $20 value) and coupons quarterly for the past two years! Nice eh?

But alas, Publix is BFF with Jesus and I have an issue with that. Not because I'm jealous and want Publix all to myself, but because I have this teensy weensy eensy beensy issue with corporations that do business with faith-based organizations. You see, I'm a firm believer (no pun intended) in that little notion that faith and religion are private matters; issues that should be personal and not shoved into everyone's face. If you love Jesus, good for you! If you think Cabbage should be sacred and prayed to, then go for it! If you believe that we're all aliens from the planet Craputron and that we should all worship a left over tuna sandwich, go right ahead! I'm not here to stop you. What I am here to stop you from doing is reminding me and proselytizing to me about why I should believe what you do and how I am wrong if I do not. Now, when a public corporation gets into cahoots with an organization like this, I get a little icky feeling in my stomach and get cranky. No, it's not the "Angry Atheist" in me that feels this way, rather it's the Human Being that I am that believes that everyone is entitled to a voice, not just those who scream the loudest about being right.

So why do I now think that Publix and Jesus are BFF? Well, since Dante is turning 2 next month, he has now "graduated" to the Publix Preschool Club. We got the paperwork for it the other day and I filled it out and signed him up on their website. It's pretty much the same thing as the Baby Club but the actitivies, newsletters, and coupons are now geared more toward a toddler and older child. I didn't have much time to check out the site the other day so I just signed him up and let it be. Tonight, though, I had time to peruse the website more clearly and in reading some of the activities and guides for parents I noticed a logo advertisement at the end of each article that said MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and then a website. I clicked the site and THIS is what I got:

MOPS International is a Christian non-profit organization that believes in working with local Christian churches/parachurches to maximize ministry opportunities to God’s Kingdom. MOPS programs are chartered in churches of many different denominations and Christian traditions, but all share the common desire to reach out with the gospel of Jesus Christ and to bring glory to God in everything.

Um, say wha? This is what the Publix Preschool Club is about? Sorry "sisters in Christ" but this "sister" is saying "sayonara" to Publix Preschool Club and kindly telling you to take your faith-based organization and shove it up your glory hole. Catch my drift? What the hell does Jesus have to do with being a mother and raising a preschooler? Why the hell has Publix decided to join up with this group of idiots? What, I have to believe in an imaginary friend or I won't get $1.00 off Huggies Diapers? Give me a break. I'm really disappointed in Publix for aligning themselves with such a close minded, biased organization. And again, I'm not speaking as an Atheist here, I'm speaking as a non-Christian. There are MILLIONS of people who do not believe in the same *ahem* tenets this organization has so gallantly posted on its site, so not only are they excluding mothers who are non-believers, they are excluding all other non-Christian mothers.

So, of course, I cancelled my membership and in the "reasons for cancelling" box I clicked "other" and when asked to explain I did. I simply stated that I did not support faith-based organizations and as a non-Christian I would not be a part of a club whose main contributor was a group that clearly discriminates and excludes those who are different and who believe differently than they do. I also told them that religion and parenting and coupons didn't belong in the same sentence, let alone the same room.

And now I'm pondering writing a letter to Publix. I don't know. I've just got this really bad taste in my mouth from all of it. It's really frustrating sometimes to be a non-Jesus lover because it seems like those who are BFF with Jesus ruin it for the rest of us with their shouting and yelling and butting into everything. I've lost my Publix now too. *sniff*

Target + Devil = BFF

First things first. Target is the Devil, or at least a good friend of the Devil. If I believed in such a creature, I would unequivocally state that he/she/it was BFF with Target. D'ya ever notice how Target's logo is a RED bullseye? Their store credit card is called the Target REDcard. Red. The color of eeeeeevil, like the dev-eeel. Seriously. Target and the Devil are like "this".

So you're probably asking yourself: "Hey, Alessia, why such a problem with Target being friends with Beelz? You're a Goth mom. You and Lucifer should be cool." To which I reply, "Ok, shut up." Target is in cahoots with the Devil because you make a deal with him everytime you walk in there. Seriously, I take back roads and go fifteen minutes out of my way to avoid driving past a Target, and with a fussy toddler in the backseat that's saying ALOT. Target sucks you in, with their pretty logo and snazzy Isaac Mizrahi fashion line and cool kid's clothes and fancy decor that would make our tool shed look like something from HGTV. Which is why I avoid it.

Except for today.

Today my husband decided he needed new shorts. I, of course, said, "Great! We can go to Kmart." But no, Randy is too cool for Kmart shorts. He demanded we go to Target, "just for some shorts and maybe a couple of shirts". Ha. Sure. Fine. Let's go. So off we went to Target. Randy noticed I was taking the road to the "regular" Target and not the "super" Target and he asked why. I just told him I didn't feel like going all the way to the "super" Target but in reality the reason was is that the "super" in "Super" Target is just code for "We are so much more BFF with the Devil than 'regular' Target so walking in here is pretty much a guarantee that we will OWN you for eternity." No joke, that is what I deciphered the code to mean.

So we saunter down to "regular" Target for a "couple of shirts and some shorts". Fat chance. 2 HOURS and 2 HUNDRED SOMETHING BUCKS LATER we emerge from Target, sweaty, hungry, tired, sleepy, and exhausted from the ordeal. Sure, we got the "couple of shirts and some shorts" but did you also know that we desperately needed 2 Wii games? I didn't. Did you also know that there is a margarita party I will be invited to in the near distant future and therefore had to have margarita glasses? Yep, apparently so. OH! And did you know that for some reason I had to purchase 3 of the same T-shirt because they were on sale? No, neither did I.

And this is why Target is the Devil, or at least BFF with him. It's like M & M's. You can't eat just one. M & M's are BFF with the Devil too. So are shoes from Chinese Laundry and Demonica, purses that look like coffins (I think I have six), orange dragon sushi rolls, and Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. ALL in cahoots with the Dark Lord.

You have been warned.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Like Father, Like Son

All men whilst they are awake are in one common world: but each of them, when he is asleep, is in a world of his own. - Plutarch

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Public and Formal Retraction

A while back I wrote a post entitled Ah, The Irony about shuffling my music player and coming upon The Police's "So Lonely" and then waxing philosophical about my loneliness in not having a best friend to spend my days with. I made a comment that the women at the mom's group I belonged to were "all 25 and cute and perky", implying that they were someone who I didn't feel a bond with and who wouldn't feel one with me.

Well I take it back. Although she is "25 and cute and perky", which is certainly not something negative and should never be taken as such, she and I have found that we kinda like eachother's company and dare I say it, have become the best of friends. Very cool. And it helps that our sons are friends as well. And, she is also afraid of elf werewolves (inside joke, you had to be there).

So I make this public and formal retraction firstly to dispel any ideas that "25 and cute and perky" is a bad thing (read: it's just intimidating to a jiggly, not-so-cute, 33 year old Aging Goth Mom), and secondly to switch up my music player and play The White Stripes:

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Three Amigos

I have a sneaking suspicion that in 15 years or so, we will be bailing these three out of jail for some sort of mischief!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Unsivilized {sic}?

I have a question. What's with the misspellings in hip-hop? Why is it cool to spell things wrong? I ask this because I was driving behind a promo van for some upcoming album by some rapper and the album was called "Unsivilised", with featured songs like "We Dem Boyz" and "Whippin' Da Bass". Is it cool? I don't get it.

Also, adding Li'l, Big, Fat, or any sort of adjective in front of your name all of a sudden turns Irving Fartypants into Big Irv or Fat Pants which increases the cool factor by ten. Change the spelling to Biig Irrrrrv or Phat Pizzants and you've got gold.

Flavor Flav does the same thing on his show, giving the women nicknames and then spelling them "hip-hop" style: Seesinz, Sinceer, Bunz, Deelishis, Sumthin...I could go on.

Why is the dumbing down of a language AND a culture cool? Would Frederick Douglass and Sojourner Truth be ok with this? Would MLK and Malcolm X think it was "foshizzle my nizzle"?

Why, when someone is eloquent and well spoken, they are called an "Uncle Tom" or accused of "trying to be white"? Why does a positive movement toward education and upheaval from the stereotype mean persecution from your own brothers and sisters?

I don't get it.

.................oh, and another thing: pull up your pants

Friday, May 2, 2008

Children are cruel

At about 2 pm today my cell phone rang. The caller ID read "PRIVATE" and I answered it. On the other end, the voice of a young boy (maybe 12 or 13) said "I've got your dog". I answered, "Where! Where are you! I can come to you and get her! Is she ok? Describe her to me so I know it is her!". I was ecstatic. Before I knew it, the boy on the phone answered me, "She's dead. I killed her you bitch." And I heard another boy in the background laugh and say, "Yea and her tattoo says Asshole". Then they hung up.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Roman Gods

Nothing says "cheesy" like my parents bringing back matching T-shirts from their trip to Italy, but it's a good "cheesy", or should I say "formaggio"!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Monday, April 28, 2008

He Makes Me Tingle

So I have a new crush. Well, it's not really new but I've decided to come out with it and admit it.
Something about MC Serch makes me tingle. Between watching The White Rapper Show and now Miss Rap Supreme (both on VH-1), I have developed this completely immature, school girl crush on him. I loved 3rd Bass back in the day (Give 'em the Gas Face!), but he didn't appeal to me then. Now? I think he's sex-ay in this weird Jewish Rapper kind of way.

Oy Vey he makes me plotz!

Steppin'to the A.M.

The Gas Face

Pop Goes the Weasel

Friday, April 25, 2008

And the Hypocrite award goes to.......

I was wearing the shirt above tonight and a woman spit on me and said that I should believe in god. She spit on me and then stuck her tongue out and did the "thumbs down" at me. I told her "Thank you but I don't believe in imaginary friends. Have a nice evening". She stuck her tongue out at me, gave me the finger, and said "Burn in hell". Mind you, Dante was with me. My baby, my child, my son.

She gets the award.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Castles in the Sand

Today we went to a sand castle/sand education workshop sponsored by the Anne Kolb Nature Center at North Hollywood Beach. Dante had a blast deconstructing sand castles, learning about sand creatures, and eating turkey sandwiches with sand in them.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

96 Hours

She's been gone 96 hours now. The Humane Society and Animal Control were closed today. I'll be there when they open tomorrow to see if she's in a kennel. If not, I read the DOA and injured lists.

Do I give up? Is she officially gone for good? I can't just do nothing.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Update on Carrots

Carrots has now been officially missing for 41 hours. I've gone and checked both the Humane Shelter and the Animal Control Center daily since she has been gone and nothing. The Animal Control Center has a list of what has been brought in, dead or alive, and she hasn't been on it. The Humane Shelter lets me walk through the kennels to see if she's there....and she's not.

I can only hope that someone picked her up, thought she was cute and decided to keep her.

I hope.

I just wish I knew. If she is, in fact dead, I hope she didn't suffer. I hope she's not sufferring or hungry or frightened if she is, indeed, alive.

Dante keeps asking for her and we've told him that Carrots went to Alaska to visit her mommy and become a famous sled dog.

I've papered the entire neighborhood with flyers, offered a reward, and put a notice up on Craig's List. Both shelters have a flyer and I filled out the "lost dog" form. I wish there was something else I could do. She has an Animal ID tatoo on her tummy. I hope someone finds her. I miss her terribly and so does our other dog Salad, who has now taken to pooping and peeing all over the house in her anger and grief.

I will never forgive myself for this. Ever.