Wednesday, June 7, 2006

The Curse of the Remake

What's with all these remakes coming out all of a sudden? Why remake a disgusting awful movie into and even more disgustingly awful movie, OR why remake a fantastic classic into a CGI filled load of dramatic crapola that sucks ass?

*disclaimer: although I will be commenting on the remakes, I have not seen, nor will I see any of them. I have seen the originals they were based on though so, as usual, I'm talking out of half of my ass when I discuss the remakes*

Case #1: The Omen
Ok, explain to me why anyone would want to remake this movie. The first incarnation of it in 1978 starred Gregory Peck in one of his final roles and was so utterly crappy that it should have been exorcized with Damien himself. Yes sure, I remember being a kid and we'd all run around screaming about the Omen and Damien, but we were KIDS. We were idiots. We were innocent (HAH!) little brats jumping at the noises that we heard when our closet door creaked. OF COURSE Damien is going to scare someone when they are seven! Hell, Gregory Peck's performance was just as frightening! Bottom line, it was a cheesy 70's horror movie. Keep it that way. Why remake it now? Are you going to make Damien even scarier by making him a Republican? And casting JULIA STILES as his mother? I'm sorry, is this The Omen, or Save the Last Satanic Dance? I would expect her to start poppin' and lockin' to keep the demons at bay. Plus, isn't she like twelve years old herself? And the kid who plays Damien is about as frightening as my Jack Russell terrier. Crap then, crap now.

Case #2: The Poseidon Adventure
Here we go with Hollywood deciding to take an absolutely FANTASTIC movie and fuck it up by remaking it, changing the characters, adding a love story and a minority here and there and turning a classic into a crappic. First of all, the orginal Poseidon had a star studded cast, incredible effects for its time, and a gripping plot. I mean, you've got Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, Shelley Winters, Roddy McDowall, Red Buttons and so on. The 1972 cast was incredible. Shelly Winters made you want to rip out your heart and cry. Gene Hackman made you want to become a Marine and stomp around saving the planet. THIS was a movie! Now what does Hollywood give us today? Kurt Russell?!?!?! Now what the hell would Snake Pliskin be doing on a friggin' boat in the middle of the Atlantic? And who the hell is Josh Lucas? I think he played one of Becca's boyfriends on that Life Goes On show back in the day. Ok ok, Richard Dreyfuss is in it to add some validity, but honestly, the last thing I liked Dreyfuss in was What About Bob? and that was over ten years ago. Dreyfuss was in JAWS, he doesn't need to be on another boat. And judging by the trailers I have seen, it looks like there's a love story thrown in and an annoying kid. Thanks Hollywood. I'm seasick already.

Case #3: Superman
All I have to say about this is that even though he couldn't do it in life, Christopher Reeve is now rolling around in his grave because of this remake. So is his wife. Ok Ok, it's really called Superman Returns so it's not "technically" a remake but come on! This new Superman...who the hell is he? Brandon Routh? Who? He's been on Will & Grace and Gilmore Girls? BAH! Sign him up to play the Man of Steel! The only redeeming quality I forsee in this movie is Kevin Spacey playing Lex Luthor. He is such a genius when it comes to playing psychos that I think he's the only thing that will make this movie great. Needless to say, I ain't seeing it.

Case #4: The Hills Have Eyes
The original 1977 Wes Craven flick is a masterpiece in its genre. No glitzy special effects, just plain fucked up scary. Not alot of makeup was needed to make the mutated family look "mutated" because they were all really fucked up looking actors. Especially Michael Berryman whom you may remember as a mutant biker from Weird Science. The movie itself is one scarefest after another, but in its classic Wes Craven 1970s way. The remake? Well judging by the trailer, looked like a CGI'd half naked bimbo fest full of guts and blood. Ok, granted, it is a horror movie where you need your occasional bimbo and your standard bucket of blood thrown about, but there is that certain beauty, a certain je ne sais quoi of a 70s thriller as opposed to its remade conterpart of today. The Hills were better in '77.

Now don't get me wrong. There have been remakes and sequels that I have enjoyed, like Dawn of the Dead and its successors. I like them though, because their original creator George Romero was involved in the creation of the remakes and therefore was able to leave his mark in the new ones that made the originals so great. It is unfortunate that many great classics will be remade because now, with the highly developed computer graphics used in movies, directors will now think that what was cheesy and perfect in the 70s and 80s, needs to be computerized, revamped and remade into some sort of mega blockbuster. Oh please no. If they remake John Carpenter's The Thing, I will seriously have a fit.

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