Evolution

1993, Dojo Restaurant, St. Mark's Place, NYC. The scene opens with me, 19 years old, sitting at a table, smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer; dyed black devil lock/shaved head, brooding over the Village Voice and leaving traces of black lipstick on my beer. I've got my 6" platform boots on (you know, the ones with the cool buckles) stretched across another chair while I eye the "fucking lame ass tourists" walk by. A couple of people I know from "the scene" stroll by and notice me.

• Them: "Hey! What's up. What are you doing?"
• Me: "Nothing much, just having lunch/dinner/whatever"
• Them: "Cool. What are you doing tonight?"
• Me: "I'm going to a show".
• Them:" Who's playing?"
• Me: "KMFDM/Front 242/Skinny Puppy/Front Line Assembly/Thrill Kill Kult/whatever"
  
• Them: "Ok. See you there."

*cut*

2008, Super Target, Hollywood, Florida. The scene opens with me, 34 years old, pushing a cart loaded with diapers, milk, bread, tampons, xmas presents, while sitting in the child seat, my son is screaming to go back to the toy section because he "forgot something", dyed red and black hair is falling out of its ponytail and its roots are showing, it hasn't seen a brush in 3 days, brooding over the coupon book and leaving traces of cheddar goldfish across the store's linoleum floor. I've got my crappy flip-flops on (you know the ones I got at K-Mart for $3) while I eye which line is shorter so I can get out of here faster. A couple of people I know from "the scene" (a.k.a. The Mommy Group) see me.

• Them: "Hey! What's up. What are you doing?"
• Me: "Nothing much, just trying to get some errands done"
• Them: "Cool. What are you doing tonight?"
• Me: "I'm going to a show."
• Them: "Who's playing?"
• Me: "The Wiggles"
• Them: "Ok, see you there!"

Target + Devil = BFF

First things first. Target is the Devil, or at least a good friend of the Devil. If I believed in such a creature, I would unequivocally state that he/she/it was BFF with Target. D'ya ever notice how Target's logo is a RED bullseye? Their store credit card is called the Target REDcard. Red. The color of eeeeeevil, like the dev-eeel. Seriously. Target and the Devil are like "this".

So you're probably asking yourself: "Hey, Alessia, why such a problem with Target being friends with Beelz? You're a Goth mom. You and Lucifer should be cool." To which I reply, "Ok, shut up." Target is in cahoots with the Devil because you make a deal with him everytime you walk in there. Seriously, I take back roads and go fifteen minutes out of my way to avoid driving past a Target, and with a fussy toddler in the backseat that's saying ALOT. Target sucks you in, with their pretty logo and snazzy Isaac Mizrahi fashion line and cool kid's clothes and fancy decor that would make our tool shed look like something from HGTV. Which is why I avoid it.

Except for today.

Today my husband decided he needed new shorts. I, of course, said, "Great! We can go to Kmart." But no, Randy is too cool for Kmart shorts. He demanded we go to Target, "just for some shorts and maybe a couple of shirts". Ha. Sure. Fine. Let's go. So off we went to Target. Randy noticed I was taking the road to the "regular" Target and not the "super" Target and he asked why. I just told him I didn't feel like going all the way to the "super" Target but in reality the reason was is that the "super" in "Super" Target is just code for "We are so much more BFF with the Devil than 'regular' Target so walking in here is pretty much a guarantee that we will OWN you for eternity." No joke, that is what I deciphered the code to mean.

So we saunter down to "regular" Target for a "couple of shirts and some shorts". Fat chance. 2 HOURS and 2 HUNDRED SOMETHING BUCKS LATER we emerge from Target, sweaty, hungry, tired, sleepy, and exhausted from the ordeal. Sure, we got the "couple of shirts and some shorts" but did you also know that we desperately needed 2 Wii games? I didn't. Did you also know that there is a margarita party I will be invited to in the near distant future and therefore had to have margarita glasses? Yep, apparently so. OH! And did you know that for some reason I had to purchase 3 of the same T-shirt because they were on sale? No, neither did I.

And this is why Target is the Devil, or at least BFF with him. It's like M & M's. You can't eat just one. M & M's are BFF with the Devil too. So are shoes from Chinese Laundry and Demonica, purses that look like coffins (I think I have six), orange dragon sushi rolls, and Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. ALL in cahoots with the Dark Lord.

You have been warned.