Friday, December 24, 2010

From the Desk of Dante and Dorian


What's up? Thanks for coming. Be safe.

Please enjoy the milk and cookies Dorian and I left out for you. There are also some carrots and water for the reindeer. I hope you love the Christmas Tree. Thank you for taking a picture with Dorian and me. Have a Merry Christmas and I hope to see you next year.

Dante (and Dorian)

-dictated to secretary (aka "Daddy")

Monday, December 13, 2010


Thumbs by Shel Silverstein

Oh the thumb-sucker's thumb
May look wrinkled and wet
And withered, and white as the snow,
But the taste of a thumb
Is the sweetest taste yet
(As only we thumb-suckers know).

Sunday, December 5, 2010

A Heartwarming Holiday Message

This time of year really annoys me from BOTH sides of the camp. On one side, I've got Christians yelling at me that I am not "allowed" to celebrate "their" holiday because I don't believe in any god or supernatural being, especially the one they chose out of the pantheon of deities (meanwhile most Christians are extremely ignorant as to the whole tree lightning history and are completely unaware that most of "their holiday" rituals predate Christianity by thousands of years.) On the other side, I've got your "stick-up-the-ass" Atheists who think that telling my kids about anything magical or imaginary or out of "reason" (i.e. Santa Claus, Harry Potter, the Tooth Fairy, etc.) that I am making them silly people and lying to them and I might as well be teaching them about Jesus and gods and other fairy tales.

To BOTH camps, I would like to politely tell you to "stuff it".

To the Christians, kindly mind your own business. I can celebrate Christmas if I want to AND call it Christmas AND have a tree AND decorate it AND I can even sing Christmas songs with my kids and tell them the story of Jesus. Why? Because for us, it's just another story. And Guess What? It's a good one! I mean really, it's full of drama! Pregnant woman (by whom?!?!) and her husband, freezing to death and can't find shelter, shack up in a barn, have a kid who is magic and kings from far away lands bring exotic gifts. Throw in a couple million bucks of special effects, Ridley Scott directing and you've got a blockbuster! I can even celebrate Christmas AND Festivus if I wanted to! See, the best thing about being an Atheist (because trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be) is the fact that we can celebrate however, whenever, and for whatever reason we want. We could celebrate National Day of Dancing in Our Underwear if we wanted to and it wouldn't hurt anyone or anything and I certainly wouldn't be offended if non-Atheists wanted to join in. So kindly stfu and let us celebrate Christmas because, to be honest, you don't "own it".

To the Atheists, I would reiterate the above statement and tell you to stuff it as well. If I want to celebrate Christmas with my kids and tell them stories, it's not going to make us any less Atheist than the next guy. Hell, I played the Virgin (*snort*) Mary in a school pageant years ago and I still turned out ok. So telling my son the story of Jesus isn't going to all of a sudden make him want to become an child evangelical minister and scream on sidewalks about going to hell. In the same respect telling my kid there is a Santa Claus isn't going to make him a moron who never grows up and resents me for "lying" to him. Santa Claus isn't dogma. Santa Claus doesn't preach from an ancient book and condemns you to an eternity of suffering if you don't believe in him. Santa Claus and his adherents don't get involved in politics or try to legislate laws on who can marry or who can have a baby. Santa Claus is magic and yes yes yes I know "magic doesn't exist" and "only reason and logic are important", but guess what? Magic is awesome when you are a child. Imaginary friends and imaginary creatures and wonderful places like Santa's Workshop and Hogwarts are incredible when you are a kid. (They're also pretty fun as an adult, but Universe forbid that an adult should participate in such "irrational" behavior). So you too, cranky Atheists, stfu and let us celebrate the holidays the way we want to.

I mean, you don't hear Jews screaming at us for NOT celebrating Hanukkah. I have yet to see a Muslim knock on my door to tell me the "good news" about Ramadan. And I certainly have never been accosted by a Buddhist at an airport with a pamphlet about the sins of stepping on bugs because they could be your reincarnated Uncle Carl.

So I will never understand this incessant "war" between the "Our way is the only way" Christians and the "You can't have any myths or magic or imagination" Atheists. Truthfully, I wish you would all find an island and duke it out and leave the rest of us alone.

So to the rest of you out there, Wishing you a healthy and happy holiday season and peace and love in the New Year.