Saturday, January 24, 2009

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

Dante is home sick with the flu, so we decided to fingerpaint. The beauty of fingerpainting is that it rarely goes anywhere near the paper you lay out. It should be called get-it-all-over-yourself painting or let's-paint-everything-BUT-the paper.

If you notice, we did a pretty good job of securing the area by laying down newspaper AND electrical tape. Needless to say, I just finished washing the floor while Daddy gave Mr. D a bath.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

It's Vaccination Time Again!

That's right, it's that time of year again where we all need to get our shots. I know, I know, they are annoying and a bit painful but we all want to stay healthy don't we? "It's just a flu shot" you may be saying, but first understand that I am not talking about the flu shot. I am actually talking about the vaccinations one receives before being able to watch my favorite show: Bret Micheal's Rock of Love. You may all remember my stunning commentary regarding his last foray into "television dating", but now I am back and so is he and his gaggle of venereal disease stricken whores he likes to call his "babes".

This time, though, the premise is different. Rather than spend a couple of months festering in a disease filled house in the Hollywood Hills, Bret and the Petri Dish Gang have decided to take the "dating experience" on the road in the Rock of Love Bus and spread their syphilitic and herpes ridden awesomeness to all the stops in Bret Micheal's "tour" across the USA! YAY!

So without further ado, I give you, Rock of Syphilis, part 3:

Where do I begin? Seriously. Where. do. I. begin. First and foremost, let's get the elephant out of the room and just say that Bret Micheal's is looking more and more like a douche with every plastic surgery he is getting. What's with the pursed lips dude? And the lip gloss? Are these all really trannies and you're just not telling us? Secondly (no pun intended) but do these women really think they look good with balloons on their chest? Do I even need to point out that a breast that is a PERFECT CIRCLE is really ugly? Do you think you look hot? I cannot imagine how our image of "beauty" evolved to this.

Let's take a look at my favorite cast member who (SPOILER ALERT!) sadly gets eliminated on the first day. This is Nikki and she is a skank.
And I mean that in most truest sense of the word. She is a skank. Her claim to fame and, I think, one of the reasons she got eliminated, is doing a shot out of Gia's vagina. I'm not kidding. She did a shot out of another girl's pussy. Correct me if I am wrong here, but if you're on a first date (as this is technically a first date), I really don't think that eating out another chick is a good way to tell your date you're really into him. Just my opinion, but what the hell do I know.

This here is our veteran "Porn Star Wanting To Find A Man Who Loves Her" story. Jasmineva here, just wants someone to "hold her at night". How sweet. Jasmineva is tired of getting Bukkake'd and paid for it and now just wants someone to spoon with at night who will Bukkake her for free and love her, cherish her and dick slap her without the cameras rolling. Seriously. It brings a tear to my eye.

This is Constandina. She's "spritual" and a belly dancer. Personally I think she's inhaled too much incense and looks like an anorexic Pete Burns. She tried to cleanse Bret's chakra or something and succeeded in just looking douchier than Bret which is a feat in itself.

Believe it or not, in the train wreck that is the new cast of VD On The Move, there is a voice of reason. A shining bastion of intellect who has refrained from getting piss drunk, taking off all of her clothes, puking, engaging in girl-on-girl action, and who is ACTUALLY on the show because she wants to get to know Bret and start a relationship with him. This is Taya. She was recently voted Penthouse Pet 2009. Penthouse Pet. A Penthouse Pet is dictating decorum and etiquette. Now do you see the bar that has been set here?

Now go get your shots!