Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dante: The Omen Revisited

First things first. Whoever coined the term "terrible twos" needs a swift kick in the face. The twos aren't "terrible". "Terrible" is a cutsey word that reminds me of something in a Maurice Sendak book, or the sound of the Heffalump in a Winnie-th-Pooh book, or something that Alice would mutter as she's falling down the rabbit hole. "Terrible" is certainly not the correct adjective for describing the dispostion of a two-year old.

Here are some words that I think would be better suited:Photobucket
  • possessed
  • demonic
  • incorrigible
  • obstinate
  • intolerable
  • cancerous
  • exhausting
  • debilitating
  • dumbfounding
  • fucking ridiculous

See? "Terrible" is such a wimpy word. It's as though whoever coined it had a child who wouldn't eat their peas and then went to bed ten minutes later. "Oh look", they probably said, "Miffy is being terribly awful and she shan't have dessert". Yea. Dessert this, and here's a shovel to your face.

Let me elaborate:

What was once this precious little lima bean of a baby boy has become this grouchy, grumpy, satan spawn from the pit of Hades who says "no" every other word, runs about the house screaming and breaking things, has developed selective hearing especially when he's smearing yogurt all over himself and the floor, who cries and stomps and screams if he doesn't get his way, who pouts and kicks, and hits (yes, he hits despite the fact that no one in this house has ever raised a hand in anger toward him...well except for that one time he broke free from me and ran into the middle of the street and he got a potch on his rear). As a matter of fact, he's throwing a tantrum right now as a type this because I won't let him play with the telephone cord and a pair of scissors. Yes, I know, I'm a horrible mother because I won't let him play with scissors. At least, that's what he thinks at the moment. Oh look, now he's thrown himself on the floor and is screaming "right now" at me as though that would suddenly make me say, "Oh, the scissors! Sure go ahead".

Fat chance kiddo.

Now he's screaming at Randy because he wants to be pushed around the house in one of our office chairs and Randy, having worked all day on his feet, wants to sit and relax before dinner. "More Daddy! Right now!" are the melodious sounds I am currently hearing from the living room and my poor husband sighing after each scream.

Where the hell is that cute kid I gave birth to? Where did that curious infant and toddler go who was just learning words and how to walk and would take in everything we said and did and think we were the coolest things ever? No, now we have Mr. Yelly McYellerton who throws tantrums. We have Mr. I Will Make You Want to Rip Your Hair Out every ten seconds with my incessant whining (which I totally blame on that STUPID FUCKING idiot show Caillou that I made the mistake of letting him watch one morning while I took a shower where the kids whines every six seconds about crap).nocaillou

They say three is worse. I don't think I'm going to make it.


Sherrie said...

Terrible is pretty wussy.

You'll make it. You'll probably develop a drinking habit, but you'll make it. Three wasn't worse with monsters; they actually mellowed out a bit. Four and five are fun. Then they get kinda cute again until they hit 10. From then on it's a back and forth kinda thing.

And Caillou! I hated that show! That could explain where my son got his whining habit. Yes, at 10 he still occasionally whines. My daughter's 14 ("14 and a half, mom") and tries to pull out the whine. My response? I whine back, they look at me like I'm nuts, and drop it.

Hang in there.

Your Pal Pinki said...

Maybe you should have another one...LoL...don't throw anything at me. Maybe you can do what Cesar Milan does with dogs when they have too much energy. Stick a leash on him and a back pack for weight, and walk him around the block till he drops. Or just get an automatic treadmill, hang a twinkie near the controls, put the leash on his back belt loop and spend the afternoon watching him try to get the twinkie. I'm putting you on my main page as blogs I like most, is that cool?

Alessia said...

I think I may begin a lawsuit against Calliou (as my son is sitting in the other room watching it as I type this) for "whining increase". I swear, we hardly watch ANY TV and the show my kid chooses to obsess over is this brat. UGH!

Funny thing is, we *are* trying to have another one. I'll try the treadmill thingie, although it won't be a twinkie, rather my kid is obsessed with hot dogs. We went out to dinner last night and the minute the waitress came to our table, he said "Hot dog hot dog hot dog please lady please!"
Go ahead and add me to your page as I've already added you. =)

Your Pal Pinki said...

Hot dog hot dog hot dog please lady please!!! OMG, that's too cute. Good luck conceiving. 2 kids is a good balanced number. : )

Anna & Ryan said...

Oh crap I hate Caillou! He's such a whiny bitch. haha I like the debiliating twos. That sounds good to me. Somedays I feel helpless to stop the terrorizing and tantrums that follow a "no you can't climb the pantry." The vikings would be proud of his pilaging! haha

zenmom said...

I second (third?) that Calliou is annoying as hell. As for he terrible twos. Heh. Just wait for the 3s. He will either teach you GREAT patience. Or he will drive you into the mad house. :) I sometimes think the only thing that kept my pre-schooler alive for all of last year was the brief but adorable moments in between tantrums. Hey. Know what works good for letting them work on some energy? Swimming! Seriously. They have a blast and they wear their little bodies out, all at the same time! :)

Sherrie said...

Ditto on swimming. It worked every time. Now not so much.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how I came across your blog, but you're my new hero! I absolutely loved reading this post. It was great to come across someone willing to tell the truth. Bravo!

appliquetion said...

Yeah, Caillou is banned in our house, as well. It's even written on the babysitter rules sheet. It's that hated. And the babysitters always look at me like I'm nuts and ask, "What's wrong with Caillou?" Which I can tell by the look on their faces, they instantly regret asking as I launch into a tirade about the tantrums he throws and the whining voice he talks in are ridiculous enough but then his parents feed into it and never, ever discipline him in any manner. They don't question anything else on the list. haha

The other half of our Italian mafia said...

So finally I got around to reading your blog. Very well put and I am starting, unfortunately, to relate. He is just 2 and almost 3 months but I can sense his independent self trying to break free at all cost. I still have it somewhat under control but, after reading your thoughts and listening to other moms, I guess I am just fooling myself. Oh well, will keep trying. And, will not let him watch that Caillou thing...