Thursday, June 26, 2008

How to Make a Two Year Old's Day

Dante will be two years old in a couple of weeks. If I told you that I have no idea where these last two years went, would you think I was crazy? Because, honestly, it seems like yesterday I was bringing home this little seven pound lima bean who would hang on to my finger for dear life while nursing. Now, he's this 27 pound giganto-kid who has boycotted kisses and runs away from us. Oh well.

Anyway, Dante's birthday present arrived today and let's just say that if the kid knew how to say "Holy SHIT!", he probably would have said it. Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is how to make your two year old lose it:


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Law and Order: Criminally Sexy Intent

I have a crush on Vincent D'Onofrio.

Actually, I'm not sure if I have a crush on Vincent himself, or the character, Detective Robert Goren, that he plays on Law and Order: Criminal Intent.


I've seen movies he's been in, and I've never really considered him a "hottie", but when I see him as Goren, I just get all goofy and googy and LOVE HIM.

Apparently, I'm not the only one, as I've found a plethora of Vincent/Goren videos on youtube from women professing their love.

Well, hands off bitches. He's mine.

Friday, June 20, 2008

It's Official..........

...........I'm old. I just saw a Payless Shoe Source commercial and the music was Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough". *sigh*

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Pictures of You

I found this picture of Dante and me from almost one year ago, when he was about to turn one. Now, we're almost at his second birthday and he is so different! Oh how I dread the day when I look at him and he's 15 and all puberty-ish and all talk backy and cranky and hairy and horny. Let me savor him like this.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Think of the Children!!!

An idiot wrote this in today's paper:

What is museum exhibit teaching?
June 7, 2008

Why is the Museum of Discovery and Science in Fort Lauderdale dissecting frogs?

The museum is touting "Frogs: A Chorus of Colors" as a special exhibit. It would seem that they believe that the correct way to celebrate frogs is by dissecting them.

I spoke to a museum representative. Her response was "dissecting frogs is science." I told her that I didn't believe dissecting frogs in front of children the smartest thing the museum could do. She told me to look at "Bodies": It's drawing huge crowds. One assumes that means that drawing crowds is what the museum is after, not science.

Many high schools and colleges use computer programs like "Virtual Frog Dissection." But I guess that wouldn't turn any of those impressionable children into budding scientists.

I wonder how many kids will leave the museum and then decide it's OK to start taking small creatures apart?

Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxx

This is my letter to the editor response:

Regarding the June 7th letter by Xxxxx Xxxxxx,stating that the scientific dissection of frogs would thus cause children to go out and start cutting up small animals:

Quite the leap from "budding scientist" to "crazed animal mutilator" solely because the museum included frog dissection in its exhibit, wouldn't one agree? Ms.Xxxxxx should keep in mind that scientists and innovators like Richard Lower, who discovered the methods of modern blood transfusion in the mid 17th century or Leonardo DaVinci, whose anatomical sketches revolutionized the 15th century's medical world, both used human and animal dissection to reach their incredible conclusions. The Museum of Discovery and Science, by including frog dissection as part of its exhibit, is simply living up to its name and reputation of bringing "discovery" and "science" to all: children and adults alike. Following Ms. Xxxxxx's "logic", would she assume that a trip to the meat counter at the grocery store would compel a child to butcher and filet animals as well?

It's such a shame to see that even positive and incredibly interesting aspects of our childrens' education are going to be scrutinized, criticized, and in some cases, attempted to be stopped by closedminded and extremely fatalistic individuals. Instead of concerning ourselves with our children learning about science and the inner workings of such fascinating creatures, why not focus our energies on safeguarding and supporting these museums and their programs in order to ensure that the children who inherit this earth are the innovators and scientists of the future.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

How to spell "Irony"

We've been trying to conceive. Yes, it's true, Randy and I are trying to produce another heathen free thinking baby to overthrow the balance of nature according to *ahem cough cough cough* "god's plan". So of course, we've been having lots of sex, which started out being quite fun, but now has become more like "C'mere and stick it in, I have to do laundry so hurry up".

My last period was March 3. Yes, March 3rd. Three months ago. Yet every pregnancy test I have taken has come up negative. Not for lack of trying, though, and thus we were getting very discouraged. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to see a doctor. Trust me, I HATE going to the doctor and with no health insurance, one has to be extremely selective on when and why going to the doctor is necessary. But, Randy and I agreed that 3 months and no period plus negative pregnancy tests meant that a doctor was needed to tell us what was going on. So I called a clinic and made an appointment for today, got my mom to come and watch Dante and went.

So here's the irony. I get to the doctor. They give me a urine test (which comes up negative, surprise surprise). I get naked and lie down on the table, place my feet in the stirrups, say hello to the extremely nice doctor, and get ready for the icky part. The doctor puts in the speculum and................

I get my period.

Cosmos for Rednecks

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Publix + Jesus = BFF

Seeing a pattern? If not, please refer to my previous post and then laugh at my hysterical joke. If you don't laugh, well, tough.

Anyhow, here's a little tidbit of information for my mommies out there: Atheist, jewish, catholic, buddhist, rastafari, muslim, great-pumpkinites, whatever. Did you know that Publix is BFF with Jesus? I didn't. And I like Publix. My neighborhood Publix is awesome. The manager, a very dashing Mr. Tom Chiles is one very cool cat and always makes an effort to say hello. Plus, the store is clean and nice and has great food and Dante always gets a cookie from Rhonda at the Bakery. So, I like Publix. Publix is my friend. I like Publix so much that when Dante was born, I joined their Baby Club and got a big childcare book for free (a $20 value) and coupons quarterly for the past two years! Nice eh?

But alas, Publix is BFF with Jesus and I have an issue with that. Not because I'm jealous and want Publix all to myself, but because I have this teensy weensy eensy beensy issue with corporations that do business with faith-based organizations. You see, I'm a firm believer (no pun intended) in that little notion that faith and religion are private matters; issues that should be personal and not shoved into everyone's face. If you love Jesus, good for you! If you think Cabbage should be sacred and prayed to, then go for it! If you believe that we're all aliens from the planet Craputron and that we should all worship a left over tuna sandwich, go right ahead! I'm not here to stop you. What I am here to stop you from doing is reminding me and proselytizing to me about why I should believe what you do and how I am wrong if I do not. Now, when a public corporation gets into cahoots with an organization like this, I get a little icky feeling in my stomach and get cranky. No, it's not the "Angry Atheist" in me that feels this way, rather it's the Human Being that I am that believes that everyone is entitled to a voice, not just those who scream the loudest about being right.

So why do I now think that Publix and Jesus are BFF? Well, since Dante is turning 2 next month, he has now "graduated" to the Publix Preschool Club. We got the paperwork for it the other day and I filled it out and signed him up on their website. It's pretty much the same thing as the Baby Club but the actitivies, newsletters, and coupons are now geared more toward a toddler and older child. I didn't have much time to check out the site the other day so I just signed him up and let it be. Tonight, though, I had time to peruse the website more clearly and in reading some of the activities and guides for parents I noticed a logo advertisement at the end of each article that said MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and then a website. I clicked the site and THIS is what I got:

MOPS International is a Christian non-profit organization that believes in working with local Christian churches/parachurches to maximize ministry opportunities to God’s Kingdom. MOPS programs are chartered in churches of many different denominations and Christian traditions, but all share the common desire to reach out with the gospel of Jesus Christ and to bring glory to God in everything.

Um, say wha? This is what the Publix Preschool Club is about? Sorry "sisters in Christ" but this "sister" is saying "sayonara" to Publix Preschool Club and kindly telling you to take your faith-based organization and shove it up your glory hole. Catch my drift? What the hell does Jesus have to do with being a mother and raising a preschooler? Why the hell has Publix decided to join up with this group of idiots? What, I have to believe in an imaginary friend or I won't get $1.00 off Huggies Diapers? Give me a break. I'm really disappointed in Publix for aligning themselves with such a close minded, biased organization. And again, I'm not speaking as an Atheist here, I'm speaking as a non-Christian. There are MILLIONS of people who do not believe in the same *ahem* tenets this organization has so gallantly posted on its site, so not only are they excluding mothers who are non-believers, they are excluding all other non-Christian mothers.

So, of course, I cancelled my membership and in the "reasons for cancelling" box I clicked "other" and when asked to explain I did. I simply stated that I did not support faith-based organizations and as a non-Christian I would not be a part of a club whose main contributor was a group that clearly discriminates and excludes those who are different and who believe differently than they do. I also told them that religion and parenting and coupons didn't belong in the same sentence, let alone the same room.

And now I'm pondering writing a letter to Publix. I don't know. I've just got this really bad taste in my mouth from all of it. It's really frustrating sometimes to be a non-Jesus lover because it seems like those who are BFF with Jesus ruin it for the rest of us with their shouting and yelling and butting into everything. I've lost my Publix now too. *sniff*

Target + Devil = BFF

First things first. Target is the Devil, or at least a good friend of the Devil. If I believed in such a creature, I would unequivocally state that he/she/it was BFF with Target. D'ya ever notice how Target's logo is a RED bullseye? Their store credit card is called the Target REDcard. Red. The color of eeeeeevil, like the dev-eeel. Seriously. Target and the Devil are like "this".

So you're probably asking yourself: "Hey, Alessia, why such a problem with Target being friends with Beelz? You're a Goth mom. You and Lucifer should be cool." To which I reply, "Ok, shut up." Target is in cahoots with the Devil because you make a deal with him everytime you walk in there. Seriously, I take back roads and go fifteen minutes out of my way to avoid driving past a Target, and with a fussy toddler in the backseat that's saying ALOT. Target sucks you in, with their pretty logo and snazzy Isaac Mizrahi fashion line and cool kid's clothes and fancy decor that would make our tool shed look like something from HGTV. Which is why I avoid it.

Except for today.

Today my husband decided he needed new shorts. I, of course, said, "Great! We can go to Kmart." But no, Randy is too cool for Kmart shorts. He demanded we go to Target, "just for some shorts and maybe a couple of shirts". Ha. Sure. Fine. Let's go. So off we went to Target. Randy noticed I was taking the road to the "regular" Target and not the "super" Target and he asked why. I just told him I didn't feel like going all the way to the "super" Target but in reality the reason was is that the "super" in "Super" Target is just code for "We are so much more BFF with the Devil than 'regular' Target so walking in here is pretty much a guarantee that we will OWN you for eternity." No joke, that is what I deciphered the code to mean.

So we saunter down to "regular" Target for a "couple of shirts and some shorts". Fat chance. 2 HOURS and 2 HUNDRED SOMETHING BUCKS LATER we emerge from Target, sweaty, hungry, tired, sleepy, and exhausted from the ordeal. Sure, we got the "couple of shirts and some shorts" but did you also know that we desperately needed 2 Wii games? I didn't. Did you also know that there is a margarita party I will be invited to in the near distant future and therefore had to have margarita glasses? Yep, apparently so. OH! And did you know that for some reason I had to purchase 3 of the same T-shirt because they were on sale? No, neither did I.

And this is why Target is the Devil, or at least BFF with him. It's like M & M's. You can't eat just one. M & M's are BFF with the Devil too. So are shoes from Chinese Laundry and Demonica, purses that look like coffins (I think I have six), orange dragon sushi rolls, and Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. ALL in cahoots with the Dark Lord.

You have been warned.