We've been trying to conceive. Yes, it's true, Randy and I are trying to produce another heathen free thinking baby to overthrow the balance of nature according to *ahem cough cough cough* "god's plan". So of course, we've been having lots of sex, which started out being quite fun, but now has become more like "C'mere and stick it in, I have to do laundry so hurry up".
My last period was March 3. Yes, March 3rd. Three months ago. Yet every pregnancy test I have taken has come up negative. Not for lack of trying, though, and thus we were getting very discouraged. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to see a doctor. Trust me, I HATE going to the doctor and with no health insurance, one has to be extremely selective on when and why going to the doctor is necessary. But, Randy and I agreed that 3 months and no period plus negative pregnancy tests meant that a doctor was needed to tell us what was going on. So I called a clinic and made an appointment for today, got my mom to come and watch Dante and went.
So here's the irony. I get to the doctor. They give me a urine test (which comes up negative, surprise surprise). I get naked and lie down on the table, place my feet in the stirrups, say hello to the extremely nice doctor, and get ready for the icky part. The doctor puts in the speculum and................
I get my period.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Publix + Jesus = BFF
Seeing a pattern? If not, please refer to my previous post and then laugh at my hysterical joke. If you don't laugh, well, tough.
Anyhow, here's a little tidbit of information for my mommies out there: Atheist, jewish, catholic, buddhist, rastafari, muslim, great-pumpkinites, whatever. Did you know that Publix is BFF with Jesus? I didn't. And I like Publix. My neighborhood Publix is awesome. The manager, a very dashing Mr. Tom Chiles is one very cool cat and always makes an effort to say hello. Plus, the store is clean and nice and has great food and Dante always gets a cookie from Rhonda at the Bakery. So, I like Publix. Publix is my friend. I like Publix so much that when Dante was born, I joined their Baby Club and got a big childcare book for free (a $20 value) and coupons quarterly for the past two years! Nice eh?
But alas, Publix is BFF with Jesus and I have an issue with that. Not because I'm jealous and want Publix all to myself, but because I have this teensy weensy eensy beensy issue with corporations that do business with faith-based organizations. You see, I'm a firm believer (no pun intended) in that little notion that faith and religion are private matters; issues that should be personal and not shoved into everyone's face. If you love Jesus, good for you! If you think Cabbage should be sacred and prayed to, then go for it! If you believe that we're all aliens from the planet Craputron and that we should all worship a left over tuna sandwich, go right ahead! I'm not here to stop you. What I am here to stop you from doing is reminding me and proselytizing to me about why I should believe what you do and how I am wrong if I do not. Now, when a public corporation gets into cahoots with an organization like this, I get a little icky feeling in my stomach and get cranky. No, it's not the "Angry Atheist" in me that feels this way, rather it's the Human Being that I am that believes that everyone is entitled to a voice, not just those who scream the loudest about being right.
So why do I now think that Publix and Jesus are BFF? Well, since Dante is turning 2 next month, he has now "graduated" to the Publix Preschool Club. We got the paperwork for it the other day and I filled it out and signed him up on their website. It's pretty much the same thing as the Baby Club but the actitivies, newsletters, and coupons are now geared more toward a toddler and older child. I didn't have much time to check out the site the other day so I just signed him up and let it be. Tonight, though, I had time to peruse the website more clearly and in reading some of the activities and guides for parents I noticed a logo advertisement at the end of each article that said MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and then a website. I clicked the site and THIS is what I got:
MOPS International is a Christian non-profit organization that believes in working with local Christian churches/parachurches to maximize ministry opportunities to God’s Kingdom. MOPS programs are chartered in churches of many different denominations and Christian traditions, but all share the common desire to reach out with the gospel of Jesus Christ and to bring glory to God in everything.
Um, say wha? This is what the Publix Preschool Club is about? Sorry "sisters in Christ" but this "sister" is saying "sayonara" to Publix Preschool Club and kindly telling you to take your faith-based organization and shove it up your glory hole. Catch my drift? What the hell does Jesus have to do with being a mother and raising a preschooler? Why the hell has Publix decided to join up with this group of idiots? What, I have to believe in an imaginary friend or I won't get $1.00 off Huggies Diapers? Give me a break. I'm really disappointed in Publix for aligning themselves with such a close minded, biased organization. And again, I'm not speaking as an Atheist here, I'm speaking as a non-Christian. There are MILLIONS of people who do not believe in the same *ahem* tenets this organization has so gallantly posted on its site, so not only are they excluding mothers who are non-believers, they are excluding all other non-Christian mothers.
So, of course, I cancelled my membership and in the "reasons for cancelling" box I clicked "other" and when asked to explain I did. I simply stated that I did not support faith-based organizations and as a non-Christian I would not be a part of a club whose main contributor was a group that clearly discriminates and excludes those who are different and who believe differently than they do. I also told them that religion and parenting and coupons didn't belong in the same sentence, let alone the same room.
And now I'm pondering writing a letter to Publix. I don't know. I've just got this really bad taste in my mouth from all of it. It's really frustrating sometimes to be a non-Jesus lover because it seems like those who are BFF with Jesus ruin it for the rest of us with their shouting and yelling and butting into everything. I've lost my Publix now too. *sniff*
Anyhow, here's a little tidbit of information for my mommies out there: Atheist, jewish, catholic, buddhist, rastafari, muslim, great-pumpkinites, whatever. Did you know that Publix is BFF with Jesus? I didn't. And I like Publix. My neighborhood Publix is awesome. The manager, a very dashing Mr. Tom Chiles is one very cool cat and always makes an effort to say hello. Plus, the store is clean and nice and has great food and Dante always gets a cookie from Rhonda at the Bakery. So, I like Publix. Publix is my friend. I like Publix so much that when Dante was born, I joined their Baby Club and got a big childcare book for free (a $20 value) and coupons quarterly for the past two years! Nice eh?
But alas, Publix is BFF with Jesus and I have an issue with that. Not because I'm jealous and want Publix all to myself, but because I have this teensy weensy eensy beensy issue with corporations that do business with faith-based organizations. You see, I'm a firm believer (no pun intended) in that little notion that faith and religion are private matters; issues that should be personal and not shoved into everyone's face. If you love Jesus, good for you! If you think Cabbage should be sacred and prayed to, then go for it! If you believe that we're all aliens from the planet Craputron and that we should all worship a left over tuna sandwich, go right ahead! I'm not here to stop you. What I am here to stop you from doing is reminding me and proselytizing to me about why I should believe what you do and how I am wrong if I do not. Now, when a public corporation gets into cahoots with an organization like this, I get a little icky feeling in my stomach and get cranky. No, it's not the "Angry Atheist" in me that feels this way, rather it's the Human Being that I am that believes that everyone is entitled to a voice, not just those who scream the loudest about being right.
So why do I now think that Publix and Jesus are BFF? Well, since Dante is turning 2 next month, he has now "graduated" to the Publix Preschool Club. We got the paperwork for it the other day and I filled it out and signed him up on their website. It's pretty much the same thing as the Baby Club but the actitivies, newsletters, and coupons are now geared more toward a toddler and older child. I didn't have much time to check out the site the other day so I just signed him up and let it be. Tonight, though, I had time to peruse the website more clearly and in reading some of the activities and guides for parents I noticed a logo advertisement at the end of each article that said MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and then a website. I clicked the site and THIS is what I got:
MOPS International is a Christian non-profit organization that believes in working with local Christian churches/parachurches to maximize ministry opportunities to God’s Kingdom. MOPS programs are chartered in churches of many different denominations and Christian traditions, but all share the common desire to reach out with the gospel of Jesus Christ and to bring glory to God in everything.
Um, say wha? This is what the Publix Preschool Club is about? Sorry "sisters in Christ" but this "sister" is saying "sayonara" to Publix Preschool Club and kindly telling you to take your faith-based organization and shove it up your glory hole. Catch my drift? What the hell does Jesus have to do with being a mother and raising a preschooler? Why the hell has Publix decided to join up with this group of idiots? What, I have to believe in an imaginary friend or I won't get $1.00 off Huggies Diapers? Give me a break. I'm really disappointed in Publix for aligning themselves with such a close minded, biased organization. And again, I'm not speaking as an Atheist here, I'm speaking as a non-Christian. There are MILLIONS of people who do not believe in the same *ahem* tenets this organization has so gallantly posted on its site, so not only are they excluding mothers who are non-believers, they are excluding all other non-Christian mothers.
So, of course, I cancelled my membership and in the "reasons for cancelling" box I clicked "other" and when asked to explain I did. I simply stated that I did not support faith-based organizations and as a non-Christian I would not be a part of a club whose main contributor was a group that clearly discriminates and excludes those who are different and who believe differently than they do. I also told them that religion and parenting and coupons didn't belong in the same sentence, let alone the same room.
And now I'm pondering writing a letter to Publix. I don't know. I've just got this really bad taste in my mouth from all of it. It's really frustrating sometimes to be a non-Jesus lover because it seems like those who are BFF with Jesus ruin it for the rest of us with their shouting and yelling and butting into everything. I've lost my Publix now too. *sniff*
Target + Devil = BFF
First things first. Target is the Devil, or at least a good friend of the Devil. If I believed in such a creature, I would unequivocally state that he/she/it was BFF with Target. D'ya ever notice how Target's logo is a RED bullseye? Their store credit card is called the Target REDcard. Red. The color of eeeeeevil, like the dev-eeel. Seriously. Target and the Devil are like "this".
So you're probably asking yourself: "Hey, Alessia, why such a problem with Target being friends with Beelz? You're a Goth mom. You and Lucifer should be cool." To which I reply, "Ok, shut up." Target is in cahoots with the Devil because you make a deal with him everytime you walk in there. Seriously, I take back roads and go fifteen minutes out of my way to avoid driving past a Target, and with a fussy toddler in the backseat that's saying ALOT. Target sucks you in, with their pretty logo and snazzy Isaac Mizrahi fashion line and cool kid's clothes and fancy decor that would make our tool shed look like something from HGTV. Which is why I avoid it.
Except for today.
Today my husband decided he needed new shorts. I, of course, said, "Great! We can go to Kmart." But no, Randy is too cool for Kmart shorts. He demanded we go to Target, "just for some shorts and maybe a couple of shirts". Ha. Sure. Fine. Let's go. So off we went to Target. Randy noticed I was taking the road to the "regular" Target and not the "super" Target and he asked why. I just told him I didn't feel like going all the way to the "super" Target but in reality the reason was is that the "super" in "Super" Target is just code for "We are so much more BFF with the Devil than 'regular' Target so walking in here is pretty much a guarantee that we will OWN you for eternity." No joke, that is what I deciphered the code to mean.
So we saunter down to "regular" Target for a "couple of shirts and some shorts". Fat chance. 2 HOURS and 2 HUNDRED SOMETHING BUCKS LATER we emerge from Target, sweaty, hungry, tired, sleepy, and exhausted from the ordeal. Sure, we got the "couple of shirts and some shorts" but did you also know that we desperately needed 2 Wii games? I didn't. Did you also know that there is a margarita party I will be invited to in the near distant future and therefore had to have margarita glasses? Yep, apparently so. OH! And did you know that for some reason I had to purchase 3 of the same T-shirt because they were on sale? No, neither did I.
And this is why Target is the Devil, or at least BFF with him. It's like M & M's. You can't eat just one. M & M's are BFF with the Devil too. So are shoes from Chinese Laundry and Demonica, purses that look like coffins (I think I have six), orange dragon sushi rolls, and Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. ALL in cahoots with the Dark Lord.
You have been warned.
So you're probably asking yourself: "Hey, Alessia, why such a problem with Target being friends with Beelz? You're a Goth mom. You and Lucifer should be cool." To which I reply, "Ok, shut up." Target is in cahoots with the Devil because you make a deal with him everytime you walk in there. Seriously, I take back roads and go fifteen minutes out of my way to avoid driving past a Target, and with a fussy toddler in the backseat that's saying ALOT. Target sucks you in, with their pretty logo and snazzy Isaac Mizrahi fashion line and cool kid's clothes and fancy decor that would make our tool shed look like something from HGTV. Which is why I avoid it.
Except for today.
Today my husband decided he needed new shorts. I, of course, said, "Great! We can go to Kmart." But no, Randy is too cool for Kmart shorts. He demanded we go to Target, "just for some shorts and maybe a couple of shirts". Ha. Sure. Fine. Let's go. So off we went to Target. Randy noticed I was taking the road to the "regular" Target and not the "super" Target and he asked why. I just told him I didn't feel like going all the way to the "super" Target but in reality the reason was is that the "super" in "Super" Target is just code for "We are so much more BFF with the Devil than 'regular' Target so walking in here is pretty much a guarantee that we will OWN you for eternity." No joke, that is what I deciphered the code to mean.
So we saunter down to "regular" Target for a "couple of shirts and some shorts". Fat chance. 2 HOURS and 2 HUNDRED SOMETHING BUCKS LATER we emerge from Target, sweaty, hungry, tired, sleepy, and exhausted from the ordeal. Sure, we got the "couple of shirts and some shorts" but did you also know that we desperately needed 2 Wii games? I didn't. Did you also know that there is a margarita party I will be invited to in the near distant future and therefore had to have margarita glasses? Yep, apparently so. OH! And did you know that for some reason I had to purchase 3 of the same T-shirt because they were on sale? No, neither did I.
And this is why Target is the Devil, or at least BFF with him. It's like M & M's. You can't eat just one. M & M's are BFF with the Devil too. So are shoes from Chinese Laundry and Demonica, purses that look like coffins (I think I have six), orange dragon sushi rolls, and Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. ALL in cahoots with the Dark Lord.
You have been warned.
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