Thursday, September 4, 2014

Silence in the, Living Room

I am a horrible mother.  Yes, I said it.  I am a horrible mother.  No, I don't beat or spank or hit my children. I don't keep them locked in the basement tied to a radiator wallowing in their own filth.  No, I don't starve them or pray over them when they have life threatening illnesses.  I don't teach them hatred or intolerance or how to vote Republican.  I am a horrible mother because (dramatic pause for emphasis)...

I love it when they go to school.

There.  I said it.  My children, who I carried in my body and who I spent 9 months cooking then devoted 4 years to each of them as a stay at home mom, who I love more that the infinite Universe plus one; my children for whom I would step in front of a speeding train, for who I would climb Mount Everest in a bikini, for who I would ACTUALLY TOUCH A SPIDER (wait, maybe not that one).  Yes, I LOVE IT WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE NOT HOME ALL DAY AND AT SCHOOL.

I feel so terrible for saying that, but it truly is a wonderful thing.  I have had a child or children following me around every second of every day of every minute for the last 8 years, and while I was very anxious and weepy to see my littlest go off to Pre-Kindergarten this year, that sadness lasted all of about, oh, give or take, six minutes.

Let me explain why.
  • Bathroom Use. - I can now actually use the bathroom for more than 5 minutes without someone knocking on the door to ask me if Optimus Prime has parents (no, he doesn't) or if killing a mammoth while walking through Skyrim is a good idea (no, it isn't).  I can sit and "ponder the universe" for as long as I like.  Seriously, it has been 8 years since I took a shit alone.
  • Showering - Pretty much the same as "bathroom use", but in this case I can comfortably remove my clothes without having to lock 3 doors and run the risk of one of my boys coming in to ask me "why are your boobs so down low" or "is that your vagina? does it hurt?"  Showering has now become a pure art form.  I can actually savor scrubbing my hair with that awesome shampoo I spent too much money on.  I can sit and let the hot water soothe my aching back and let the bathroom steam up so I feel like I'm in a cocoon.  It's wonderful to be able to SHOWER again, instead of that five minute lukewarm water "pits and slits" routine I was doing for so long.  I feel like I am in a spa now!
  • Exercising - My yoga in the mornings is now relaxing.  No longer is my Downward Dog seen as an invitation to body slam me.  My Sun Salutation is met with peace instead of "mom watch this, I'm a Ninja (something breaks)".  My final Savasana is restful and introspective, not "Look mom, I can be dead too!" followed by screaming and swords.  Yoga now, in the mornings, is what it is meant to be.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Savasana with Sword, Dodie -Age 4
Savasana with Sword, D Age 8
  • Household chores - It used to be that folding clothes meant I would fold the laundry, leave the room, and come back to my children "helping" me fold by mixing everything up and dropping half the laundry on the floor or the dog.  The dog would then try to eat the clothes and end up slobbering all over half of them.  Yea kids, thanks for the help. Same with dusting and mopping the floors.  Please, just....dont help.
  • Watching TV/Movie -  I can watch the most inappropriate TV or Movie I want without little pitchers hovering.  To date, while I have been folding clothes or dusting, I've watched, um, ok, that's not bad, no that's a kid show, OK!  I've caught up on Drunk History AND Mistresses so HA!  I am so rocking that TV time.  Today, for example, I watched a whole hour of The Adventures of Gumball before realizing that there were no children home and that I was the only person (read: adult) in the room.  Laughing.  Hysterically.  At Gumball
  • Grocery Shopping - There is nothing more beautiful in this world than going shopping alone.  Especially grocery shopping.  Mysterious items like "Crap on a stick full of sugar that will kill you" do not end up in your cart after you turn your back to pick up broccoli.  Tantrums aren't being thrown when you accidentally walk past the toy aisle and screams of "I want that!" when pointing to some plastic knock-off "Tony the Train Engine" made in Crapzbekistan by blind infants in wheelchairs who are paid ten cents a year. There's none of that.  There's just me and the list and I'm out within the hour with time to spare.  It's amazing. 
  • Gaming - I hate to say it, but I wish I had more time to do this.  For those folks who think that Stay at Home Moms have it easy, they don't.  And now that my kids are in school until 2:30, you'd think I would guiltily take some time to put my feet up and play some Dishonored or Assassin's Creed or finally finish my quests in Solstein and Skyrim.  I would so love to do that, but by the time I'm done with all the other things, there's really no time and I don't want to sit down and start something that I can only do for ten minutes.  Sure, I've taken a few minutes to check out Terraria (still don't get it), and kill a few skeletons in Minecraft, but if anyone thinks I've got a solid 8 hours to sit on my ass and play (like I'm sure some people think SAHMs do), you're wrong.  Gaming is still reserved for late nights, and because I'm so busy during the day, those "late nights" are few and far between.
  • Me - Lastly, and not least, I've found this person again.  You lose yourself in your kids when you're a mom.  I haven't seen me in 8 years.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still a mom and still completely devoted to those boys I love so much.  Just, for a part of the day, I can just be "me" for a while.  I'm not "Mooo-ooommm wipe my butt!" or "Mommy help me with my math!" or "Mama he hit me!" or "Ma, I'm bleeding and my leg is falling off".  While, I love being all those versions of "Mom", it's still nice to discover "Alessia" is still around, lurking about in her Skinny Puppy T-Shirt and combat boots.  
So there you have it, all the reasons why I am a terrible mother.

I can't wait until tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sherrie Thompson said...

Yes, to all of this. If you're a bad mom, I'm right there with you.