I’m Not Racist: Part Trois

If you’ve been reading my blog for the FIVE YEARS I have been writing it, you are familiar with my favorite phrase “I’m not racist….but….”.  I’ve blogged in the past about this favorite phrase of mine, in particular about my “not racist” neighbor: the bottle bleach blonde pushing 60, trying to look twenty, whose shorts are so short the world is her gynecologist.  If you want to refresh your memory (or if you are new to my blog and want to check out my past awesomeness), read these two entries before reading this one:

I’m Not Racist: Part I

I’m Not Racist: Part 2

Ok done?  So you know sort of what I am dealing with here?  Ok then, Here we go.

The phone rang this afternoon as I was sitting down with Dante to do his homework after school.  On the other end was Blondie, the woman next door in the aforementioned blogs.  In her “I’m trying to sound six years old” baby voice she asks me if I know anything about computers and could she come over so I could fix “something terrible” that has happened to hers.  I tried to explain to her that I wasn’t super computer savvy and that I was in “homework time with Dante” but she started TO CRY and said she only needed two minutes and this *thing* on her computer was so horrible that she needed it off right away.  What am I going to do?  Say no to a six year old?

So she comes over with her Mac Air laptop and I’m instantly confused because I’m a Dell PC girl.  I know, I know, all the “intellectuals” have Macs, but that proof was just negated the minute Blondie walked into my house with one.

So I ask her what is wrong with her computer and she tells me that it’s something on Facebook.  Something so tragic and horrible that her “reputation as a hairdresser” is at stake and I “need to help” her because it is “devastating”.  I ask her if it is a naked picture of her (barf) or a picture of her doing something dirty (double barf) or just a picture that shouldn’t be on her business site and she STARTS TO CRY again in her mewling six year old baby girl talk and starts telling me that her niece put something on there as a joke and now everyone can see it and it’s devastating and horrible and it’s disgusting and on and on and on and on.

So I tell her to calm down, log into her Facebook, and that I would do my best to get rid of it.

She logs into her Facebook, repeating over and over and over again how “horrible” and “embarrassing” and “truly not me or my lifestyle” this *thing* is on her page that I am seriously preparing myself for a picture of Blondie spread-eagle on a Camaro or deep-throating her husband.  She tells me to click on her workplace link, a hair salon in Louisiana with a similar name to hers, which is “so wrong” and “not the right place”, and “oh my god, you’ll see what I mean now!” and this is what comes up:

That’s it.

I’m not kidding. That’s it.

Seriously.  THAT IS IT.

That is the picture that has this woman in hysterics over her reputation.  That is the picture that she has deemed as “horrible”, “disgusting” and “devastating”.

That.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

So I look at her and I say, “I’m sorry, I realize that it’s not your shop and the wrong name and location, linked to you, but what is so terrible about that picture?”

And then I get the famous phrase, “No, no, no, Alessia, I’m not racist…..but I just don’t do BLACK HAIR”  (and trust me she said the words “black hair” as though I was saying “Rick Perry” or “spiders” or “George Lucas fucked with the original Star Wars again”.)

This woman was so devastated by this picture that she had to run right over to my house so I could delete it (she couldn’t figure out how to change her workplace in the profile editor) but not before spending twenty minutes “preparing” me for the absolute “horror” I was about to witness.

But she’s not racist.

I'm not Racist.....The Saga Continues

I'd like to think that I am not writing these blogs to myself, and that I actually have a miniscule reader following out there. With that being said, readers you may remember a post I wrote way back in November of 2007 called I'm Not Racist which expanded on my theory that the phrase I'm Not Racist, when uttered by ANY person, is usually followed by something completely and utterly racist indeed. If you don't remember reading it, or want to refresh yourself of how funny I am, I urge you to read the original blog post HERE before reading on in this new one.

Ok, done? Good.

Well, it happened again today. Sure, it happens all the time but I was never really inspired to write down everytime someone acted like a racist asshat, because:
A) I would be blogging every 10 minutes
B) It would stop being funny after the first 5
C) I don't get paid for keeping track of asshats, racist or not

Anyhow, I get a phone call today from my next door neighbor, Blondie (not her real name) who is in an absolute panic. Backstory on Blondie: pushing 50, tries to look 20, daisy dukes, bottle blonde, more make-up than Tammy Faye (dead or alive), talks like a mouse, and is so dumb that she makes Sarah Palin look like Albert Einstein in a $15,000 outfit. Seriously, this woman is dumb with a capital DUMB.
So she calls me this morning and says, "Alessia are you home" (First indication of her intelligence since she's called my HOUSE and asks me if I'm home. duuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh) So I tell her that I am indeed home and what can I do for her. What follows is pretty much the actual conversation we had:
Blondie: Alessia are you home?
Alessia: Yes I am, what's wrong.
B: Do you see what's going on outside?
A: What do you mean? Across the street?
B: Yes! I am freaking out! I am so scared! What are they doing?!
A: Well B, it looks like a few guys set up a table in their front lawn and are playing dominoes.
B: I know but who does that?
A: Um......ok, lots of people? It's gorgeous out today.
B: Look, I'm Not Racist but when I see a bunch of black guys outside like that I am scared that gangs are going to show up.
A: B, they're just hanging out. I don't even see any of them drinking or smoking anything and they're not even being loud.
B: But there were so many of them this morning! And all these different cars were there and now they're just sitting there.
A: Well my only concern is why the teenager isn't in school, but it's probably because it's spring break for them.
B: But what if they start shooting? I mean I have Sara (her Rottweiler) here that I've trained to attack them, but what about you and Dante? What if they try and break into your house and rape you?
A: B, are you serious?
B: I'm sorry. I'm Not Racist but it's always those people that start problems! White people don't do this sort of thing! I mean, who does things like this!
A: You mean, play dominoes?
B: Oh, and what about the one next door who just sits on his porch and watches all day! I thought he was disabled so I felt sorry for him, but he's NOT and I always see him hiding things in the grass. I bet it's crack!
A: Um.....actually B, he's a nice guy. His son plays with Dante.
B: Well, you just better be careful.
A: Well I appreciate the call, I'll keep an eye out.
B: Lock your doors!
A: Bye now.


Really. Really? No, Really? Did I just set foot in the Idiot Twilight Zone? Is she fucking kidding me with that bullshit? Freaking out because a bunch of dudes, who happen to be black, decided to set up a card table under a shady palm and play dominoes on what is probably the LAST cool day we have here in Florida before the summer sets in. And then to preface half her comments with the aforementioned I'm Not Racist junk! Seriously. Seriously!!!!! You would have thought The Rapture (Hi Krissy) was coming and that she had suddenly sinned and couldn't take it back. That was the tone of her voice. She was seriously panicked because of a dominoes game that was going to lead to shoot-outs and gang warfare akin to the movie Colors and a Tupak/Biggie rivalry thing.

So once again, my theory of I'm Not Racist has not been disproven. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.