Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm not Racist.....The Saga Continues

I'd like to think that I am not writing these blogs to myself, and that I actually have a miniscule reader following out there. With that being said, readers you may remember a post I wrote way back in November of 2007 called I'm Not Racist which expanded on my theory that the phrase I'm Not Racist, when uttered by ANY person, is usually followed by something completely and utterly racist indeed. If you don't remember reading it, or want to refresh yourself of how funny I am, I urge you to read the original blog post HERE before reading on in this new one.

Ok, done? Good.

Well, it happened again today. Sure, it happens all the time but I was never really inspired to write down everytime someone acted like a racist asshat, because:
A) I would be blogging every 10 minutes
B) It would stop being funny after the first 5
C) I don't get paid for keeping track of asshats, racist or not

Anyhow, I get a phone call today from my next door neighbor, Blondie (not her real name) who is in an absolute panic. Backstory on Blondie: pushing 50, tries to look 20, daisy dukes, bottle blonde, more make-up than Tammy Faye (dead or alive), talks like a mouse, and is so dumb that she makes Sarah Palin look like Albert Einstein in a $15,000 outfit. Seriously, this woman is dumb with a capital DUMB.
So she calls me this morning and says, "Alessia are you home" (First indication of her intelligence since she's called my HOUSE and asks me if I'm home. duuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh) So I tell her that I am indeed home and what can I do for her. What follows is pretty much the actual conversation we had:
Blondie: Alessia are you home?
Alessia: Yes I am, what's wrong.
B: Do you see what's going on outside?
A: What do you mean? Across the street?
B: Yes! I am freaking out! I am so scared! What are they doing?!
A: Well B, it looks like a few guys set up a table in their front lawn and are playing dominoes.
B: I know but who does that?
A: Um......ok, lots of people? It's gorgeous out today.
B: Look, I'm Not Racist but when I see a bunch of black guys outside like that I am scared that gangs are going to show up.
A: B, they're just hanging out. I don't even see any of them drinking or smoking anything and they're not even being loud.
B: But there were so many of them this morning! And all these different cars were there and now they're just sitting there.
A: Well my only concern is why the teenager isn't in school, but it's probably because it's spring break for them.
B: But what if they start shooting? I mean I have Sara (her Rottweiler) here that I've trained to attack them, but what about you and Dante? What if they try and break into your house and rape you?
A: B, are you serious?
B: I'm sorry. I'm Not Racist but it's always those people that start problems! White people don't do this sort of thing! I mean, who does things like this!
A: You mean, play dominoes?
B: Oh, and what about the one next door who just sits on his porch and watches all day! I thought he was disabled so I felt sorry for him, but he's NOT and I always see him hiding things in the grass. I bet it's crack!
A: Um.....actually B, he's a nice guy. His son plays with Dante.
B: Well, you just better be careful.
A: Well I appreciate the call, I'll keep an eye out.
B: Lock your doors!
A: Bye now.

Really. Really? No, Really? Did I just set foot in the Idiot Twilight Zone? Is she fucking kidding me with that bullshit? Freaking out because a bunch of dudes, who happen to be black, decided to set up a card table under a shady palm and play dominoes on what is probably the LAST cool day we have here in Florida before the summer sets in. And then to preface half her comments with the aforementioned I'm Not Racist junk! Seriously. Seriously!!!!! You would have thought The Rapture (Hi Krissy) was coming and that she had suddenly sinned and couldn't take it back. That was the tone of her voice. She was seriously panicked because of a dominoes game that was going to lead to shoot-outs and gang warfare akin to the movie Colors and a Tupak/Biggie rivalry thing.

So once again, my theory of I'm Not Racist has not been disproven. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.


ZenMom said...


Please refer to my ever popular mantra: People are Stupid.

To your credit, you were much more composed than I'd have been. I would have laughed. Later, I would have vented. But, at the time, I'm pretty sure I'd have laughed at her.

Hmmmm. Maybe there's a lesson here about why I don't talk to most of my neighbors.

Eh, whatever.

For the record, my own anecdotal evidence supports your theory. The only way to properly end a sentence that begins, "I'm not racist" is with a period right there. If you keep going after that, your are probably putting your foot in your mouth.

Beth in Jupiter said...

Well, I'm not a racist, but I feel ALL people who make that statement and then continue on with their point identifying why they are indeed racist, should be locked away in their own little 'Not A Racist' facility, so the rest of us can live our lives not having to worry about when we will be assaulted by their asshatery, and...frock, I just did it!

Please, don't make me go with them. Please, don’t!

You know it might not be a bad idea if you took a cue from Blondie and trained Salad to attack any domino wielding hoodlums and I’ll make a note never to send D any dominoes. You would also have to quit ordering from Domino's Pizza, to avoid any innocent delivery guy maulings, but as long as you’re OK with Papa John’s, you would be able to sleep better at night. Just saying…

Glad to see you and Dante survived the near domino slayings and are still here to blog about it. =0)

krissiecook said...

Another of my favorite phrases, although one usually goes at the end of an incredibly offensive statement, is "...not that there's anything wrong with that..."
As in, "I was just walking my son through our supposedly safe neighborhood and I saw these two women walking together. At first I thought they were just friends, but then they started holding hands. In public! I think they must be (gulp) lesbians...not that there's anything wrong with that..."

Anonymous said...

So...when one of the studio owners and I got drunk one night and played dominoes and argued about the existence of a Christian God until 2 a.m., that would have freaked your neighbor out? Or, only if I had more of a tan?

(book club drew)

Dylan said...

hay dumass! hows come wen Ucan talk abowt it its not racist but wen she doz it is then? mayB cuz UR not in the NOO WYTE MINORITY RYTE!?!?

Arlene Green said...

Oh my. I've been there, done that. About 10 years ago give or take I was in WalMart (that was my first mistake) buying lice shampoo. This woman in line asks me if my children have lice.

Well, duh. I don't snort the stuff.

I explained to her that there was a huge outbreak in the schools and that yes, one of my children had them.

We chit chatted for a bit and then she says to me, "You know, I'm not a racist but, black people are carriers."

I thought surely I had misheard hear so I said "What?"

"Black people carry lice. They don't get them but they spread them. That's probably why there is an outbreak. We have more black people here now."

That's right, in her little racist head, blacks as a race functioned as the equivalent of Typhoid Mary for lice. What the fuck.

Nevermind that if you know anything about lice you know that isn't even possible.

I was stunned. I just let her natter on. I didn't get inspired until I had paid for my Rid and was ready to leave.

I looked her in the eye and informed her, "My children are half black."

And turned on my heel and walked away. Now, this was a lie, but it was worth it to see the look on her face.

Eleanor following the path through the forest said...

I believe this continuing saga will carry on for a very long time. People seem to find it necessary to fear others for different reasons - colour, belief, disability etc. etc. So if we look at racism as a manifest fear of difference, it begins to make a lot more sense.

Your blog is brilliant, thoughtful and humorous.

Sherrie said...

Just wow. You really know how to bring out the loons, eh?

YogaforCynics said...

Kinda like the classic line used by Ann Coulter and countless denizens of right wing talk radio and Fox News: "of course I'm not allowed to say this since it's not politically correct, but...." followed by saying the thing that supposedly can't be said...repeat countless times a day....