Thursday, April 22, 2010

Two's Company, Three's a Brother

For almost four years now, Dante and I have been a team. With the long hours that Randy works and goes to school, Dante and I have been a duo since jump street. When he was a baby, the bond was there but it wasn't as strong as is it now. He couldn't talk, walk, and was just a sleeping, feeding, pooping machine. As the years went on, and he grew and developed, we became "Two" and our bond definitely became stronger and solid. He's not only my son, he's also my partner in crime, my partner in adventures, and the person I spend 98% of my time with on a daily basis. We have conversations about anything and everything, we talk about monsters or dogs or feelings or space, we read together, sit on the couch and do puzzles, go for walks, swim, play, snuggle and fall asleep. Anything and everything, it is always just the two of us.

With the impending arrival of the new baby, my biggest fear is that my relationship with Dante is going to change. I am so worried that this "partnership" that he and I have developed is going to suffer. I know that it's not longer going to be "just the two of us" and it makes me very sad. No, I am not going to hate the new baby or resent it, I just know that the second this baby is born, my relationship with Dante will change forever.

And it breaks my heart.

Are we still going to have our chats? How can we, when I have to get up to nurse or focus my attention on the baby? Are we still going to have our special adventures into the Secret Place? I don't know. Are we ever going to get alone time to have our "dates" at Starbucks? Is he going to drift away from me as he sees me focusing more attention on the new arrival than him?

These are questions that plague me. I remember when I was pregnant with Dante, Randy and I would talk about that we would not longer be "two" and that our world would be "three" from then on. I couldn't fathom it. How was I going to share my affection and time with both? Of course, my feelings for my husband differ greatly than those for my son, but how is it going to be for another child? Is it different? Do you love one more that the other?

How do I not lose this incredible relationship I have with Dante? (Knowing that by the time he's a teenager I'll embarass him just by walking into a room).


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean! When I was prego with # 2 (Cameron) I was worried about the same stuff. Garret was 2.5 when Cam was born. I had him at home, so Garret was present for the whole thing - except the bloody parts. When I was in labor in the Roman tub of our master bathroom, Garret sat next to me on the lid of the toilet and worried. I was swearing and crying in agony, and here's my little man trying to comfort me. Daddy could hardly get in the room with Garret sitting there asking if I was OK.

Throughout that pregnancy, Garret went to the midwife appointments, listened to the baby's heartbeat, got excited about OUR baby. I tried to make sure he knew that this was an adventure that he was a big part of.

When Cam was born, Daddy let Garret into the room where the midwife and I were. He ran over to her and plopped on her lap. SHe said "Look Garret, there's YOUR baby." He looked at Cam (all slimy and sucking his thumb) and his chin crumpled up. He reached over and touched him gently and said "My baby."

I tell ya, there were times (still are) when I ounted on Garret to help me understand what Cam wanted or needed. When Jimmy was born 2 years later, it was the same story although, Garret was much more articulate ;)

My point is that your relationship will change, but it will get SOOOO much richer than you ever dreamed. Everything you have described about Dante tells me you have a special little boy there. Garret is almost 13 now, and I know I can count on him when crunch time comes. He is still very special to me. Cameron and Jimmy are too! That is the miracle! You look at your kid when you are waiting for the next one to arrive and you think "I love this child so much! How can there be room in my heart for me to love another kid the same way?" But when that second - third - etc. baby arrives, it is almost like your heart doubles - triples -etc. in love capacity. I know you don't believe in God, but to me . . . that is God's hand through and through.

Cheri said...

I felt the same way when we had our 2nd baby. Kylie was 4 when Aiden was born. I kept her very involved in the pregnancy, she was there for the ultrasounds and my Dr. would let her check the heart beat for him. She was the first one in the room (much to my m.i.l's dismay) after he was born, we wanted her to get a chance to bond with him before anyone else saw him. His blood sugar was low and was making him too tired to latch on, so she was the first to get to feed him.

Here we are 2 years later and yes, there are some differences, we can't do some of the things we used to. We've improvised...we now have our special time together during his naps. She gets to stay up 1/2 later on Fridays to watch her favorite show with me, after Aiden goes to bed and before daddy gets home. I usually buy a dessert for she and I to share, and it's our special time. We also TRY to get some time alone with each of them, even if it's only grocery shopping.

It's going to be difficult at first because the majority of your attention will be on the baby, but know that with time it will become easier.

P.S. They are now best friends...he asks for her help before he asks us.