Thursday, April 22, 2010
Two's Company, Three's a Brother
For almost four years now, Dante and I have been a team. With the long hours that Randy works and goes to school, Dante and I have been a duo since jump street. When he was a baby, the bond was there but it wasn't as strong as is it now. He couldn't talk, walk, and was just a sleeping, feeding, pooping machine. As the years went on, and he grew and developed, we became "Two" and our bond definitely became stronger and solid. He's not only my son, he's also my partner in crime, my partner in adventures, and the person I spend 98% of my time with on a daily basis. We have conversations about anything and everything, we talk about monsters or dogs or feelings or space, we read together, sit on the couch and do puzzles, go for walks, swim, play, snuggle and fall asleep. Anything and everything, it is always just the two of us.
With the impending arrival of the new baby, my biggest fear is that my relationship with Dante is going to change. I am so worried that this "partnership" that he and I have developed is going to suffer. I know that it's not longer going to be "just the two of us" and it makes me very sad. No, I am not going to hate the new baby or resent it, I just know that the second this baby is born, my relationship with Dante will change forever.
And it breaks my heart.
Are we still going to have our chats? How can we, when I have to get up to nurse or focus my attention on the baby? Are we still going to have our special adventures into the Secret Place? I don't know. Are we ever going to get alone time to have our "dates" at Starbucks? Is he going to drift away from me as he sees me focusing more attention on the new arrival than him?
These are questions that plague me. I remember when I was pregnant with Dante, Randy and I would talk about that we would not longer be "two" and that our world would be "three" from then on. I couldn't fathom it. How was I going to share my affection and time with both? Of course, my feelings for my husband differ greatly than those for my son, but how is it going to be for another child? Is it different? Do you love one more that the other?
How do I not lose this incredible relationship I have with Dante? (Knowing that by the time he's a teenager I'll embarass him just by walking into a room).