Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm 1000 percent positive........for the 13th time

You know what scares the hell out of me? Not global warming, or nuclear holocaust, or Sarah Palin 2012 (although all of these are legitimate fears of mine). No, you know what really scares me? It's the notion that 1000 years from now, our society will be studied based on old video tapes of Maury Povich paternity episodes.

Can you imagine future archeologists analyzing these episodes? What the hell will they think of our society as a whole? That women were idiots and men were sperm jockeys?

My favorite episodes involve the women who are appearing for the 13th time to test the 23rd man to find out if he is the father of her 6th child. Honestly, maybe future mathematics will be based on the statistics and ratios of these episodes. We are presented with Shantay, Mary Beth, Mercedes, or any other name you can think of who is always 1000 percent sure that her sister's brother's cousin's best friend from the neighborhood across town is her "baby daddy". And then, of course, said gentleman (and I use the term extremely loosely) comes out stylin' and profilin' claiming he's not, she's a whore, and that when "Murry" reveals the results, everyone will know he did not "hit that".

Then, the moment of truth. Will this woman, testing the 23rd man on her 16th appearance on Maury for the paternity of her 6th child, finally find a father for her child?

Nope. You are not the father, Mr. 23. And the most hysterical part of all of it, is the woman becomes "shocked" and hysterical, throwing herself on the floor and running out of the studio humiliated.

Really? Really? She's humiliated? Wouldn't she be humiliated after the 22nd guy? After the 2nd guy tested? Maybe after the 10th? And the kicker is always this: When Maury goes backstage and extends sympathy to this "virtuous" woman, she always says, "I know who it is, for sure now, I know who it is". Really? You sure about that there missy?

I also love the ones that result from threesomes. Wendy here had a threesome with her husband and her husband's best friend. Uh-oh! She got pregnant! Which one is the daddy?!?!

Are you kidding me? What ever happened to CONDOMS and birth control? Are these people that stupid that they don't know that AIDS will kill you? WTF is wrong with these people? Pregnancy is one thing, between adoption or abortion, there is a "solution" to pregnancy, but there is no "solution" to AIDS (and being a whore on national TV for that matter).

So will future historians remember us for Francis Crick, The Beatles, Barack Obama, and Woodstock? Or will the 20th and 21st centuries be known as The You Are Not the Father Epoch?


Kristy said...

The part that I like is where said gentleman (used loosely) proclaims that he knows he ain't the daddy because (ahem) "She like the neighborhood bicycle; errybody takes a ride."

People, please! How can you have sex with someone and a year later feel so badly about them. Even if she is the biggest ho on the planet, in my opinion, the fact that you bangeed her with no condom says a LOT about YOU!

Jaque said...

Hey! Don't be knockin Murry!! I DVR him and love, love, love the baby daddy episodes! Those women make me feel so good about myself!

inkelywinkely said...

We LOVE the is it a man or woman episodes. LOL.. I actually KNOW someone who was on one of the baby daddy episodes..

(to elaborate, I am not friends with this person. Her brother co owned a company with my DH.. Crazy family. LOL)