Monday, March 2, 2009

Let's Get Personal

This post is going to be talking about girl parts and things that happen to them. This post will also be talking about guts, uteruses (i?), blood, bleeding, farting, belching, anal leakage, general crankiness, and maybe the new show on VH-1, For the Love of Ray J. If you think I am incredibly awesome, sexy, pretty, intelligent, or any other positive attribute you would like to attach to me, you may not want to read on as my goddess like, chaste and pure image of me might be shattered.

That being said, let's get on with it.

So I've had my period since January 11th. Yes. JANUARY 11th. That J to the A to the N to the UARY. Notice the date of this blog? Notice it does not say January 12th or January 17th or nothing remotely close to a January. It's March. March fucking 2nd and I'm still riding the cotton pony. I'm still hosting a visit from my Aunt Flo. I'm still on the rag. I'm still surfing the crimson tide. Isn't it fucking great being a girl? I went to the doctor for this and, aside from discovering that I suffer from a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome (which I will delve into later), I now have NO ESTROGEN in my body and more testosterone than Imelda Marcos has shoes. (Wow, look at me inserting 20 year old jokes into my blog, how extremely retro of me.). So, on top of shedding copious amounts of blood for the past 60 days, I am now a dude. Oh, and I'm not just shedding copious amounts of blood (here comes the icky part), I am also shedding copious amounts of MYSELF along with it. Everytime I go to the restroom I end up looking like something out of a B-level slasher film. Come to think of it, maybe I should call up the editors over at Fangoria and ask them to do a photo shoot of me changing a tampon. No special effects needed here folks! That's pure unadulterated grossness right there!

I'm sure that after reading that you're wondering, "Gee well, how's your sex life" to which I will nicely answer, "FUCK YOU". What sex life. I don't want to go near my "area", how the hell would I expect my husband to come within 10 feet of it? Plus, the medication I'm on makes me bloat (which as a Plus Sized girl already is just pretty much adding insult to injury.), and it also gives me the Louisiana Quick Step, the trots, diarrhea, Oops I crapped my pants. So again, why would anyone want to come near me?

So let's review. The front of me is an oozing bloody mess while the rear is a sewage plant that leaks. I AM SO FUCKING HOT! You know you want me right now.

But let's not forget the cause of all this mess. The source of the issues here with my hormones and orifices. I have PCOS. A really neat little disease that fucks with my entire system and prevents me from ovulating, getting pregnant, and functioning as a normal human being. Let's go directly to the source shall we?

"If you have PCOS, you are more likely to develop high blood pressure, high cholesterol or type 2 diabetes. This means you have a greater risk for strokes and heart attacks.

Problems with menstrual periods may also cause women who have PCOS to be infertile (unable to get pregnant). They may also have a higher risk for cancer of the uterus or breast."

YAY! Thank you very much Universe! Thanks for that. I was already at a high risk bracket for cancer, but now you just bumped me up a notch! You are so awesome.

But wait! There's more! My thyroid doesn't work right either and now I have to see an Endocrinologist to get EVEN MORE medicine into my system. Looks like sex and baby number 2 are just a fantasy at this point!

*************************************************************end of rant******

So who is watching For the Love of Ray J?


Amy/Autodidact said...

aw, shit, Alessia, that truly blows. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what else to say. I miss you, though, and hope to catch you on FB one of these days, it's been ages since we "talked."

Anonymous said...

Damn! I'm sorry.

I caught Ray J once and he was in the middle of telling off this one girl for admitting to some friend of his that she was only there for the publicity.

I then watched about 10 minutes of Bret's show. My hair hurt afterwards.

AngieC said...

so sorry bunny. hope you are feeling better soon.