Sunday, March 16, 2008

Rock of Syphilis

I have come to the conclusion that a million years from now, whatever humanoid creature that inhabits this planet, will find that the only artifacts that have survived from the 21st century are old tapings of Rock of Love and Rock of Love 2, thereby assuming that our civilization died out due to idiocy, exposure to toxicity in silicone and plastics, sexually transmitted diseases, and too much eyeliner in grown men pushing 50.

Seriously, why is it that Bret Michael's face always looks like it is oiled and wet? Why is that a feature on men with plastic surgery. Oh please, let him deny he's not "had work". The man looks Asian for christ's sake! He's almost to the point of looking like Joan Rivers, except he wears more makeup and she doesn't sport the bandana too often. Also, while he was sucking face with Tramp #7 or whatever Bimbolina's name is, the camera panned to the back of his head, and honeys let me tell you, the man's hair is not real. I've seen enough, hell I've worn enough, fake hair to know a realsie and a falsie. His hair is not real. I betcha he's balder than Bruce Willis under that cowboy hat-bandana-wig combo he's got going on.

Anyhow, this show is a train wreck and I likes me some train wrecks. Between this show and Flavor of Love (what is he on now, 3? 4? 12?), my yearning to conceive a daughter lessens by the millisecond. THESE are what women aspire to be? Some boobed up, siliconed hoochie on a reality show where you're sucking face with an 80's has been? (Well, in Flavor Flav's defense, I don't think of him as a "has-been" because the impact Public Enemy made both in the hip-hop world and in the "white girls who listen to revolutionary rap music while riding the bus to school" is still evident today). Anyhow, these women are D.U.M.B.! Dumb with a capital DUMB. Sure, you look like a Barbie now at 23, but what about 43? 53? 83? What are they going to do when gravity eventually wins and everything droops, hips widen, Father Time pays a visit, and plastic surgery just isn't going to cut it? That grey matter between your ears ladies is useful! Try it out sometime!

Ugh! I also love how these women are "like totally in love with Bret like oh my god like he is my man like forever" (<----actual quote spoken by Trampoline #4). They love him? As in love love? Hell, I'm not even sure I love Randy and I married him (kidding honey, I love you, just in case you are reading this, I was just being facetious). Methinks the Trampolines are mistaking "love" with "lust" with "how can I further my carreer in Playboy and/or movies on Skinemax".

If you think about the legacies our predecessors have left us, we think of things like The Great Pyramid of Cheops, Macchu Picchu, the Roman Aqueducts, Shakespeare, Caravaggio, DaVinci, Michelangelo, Copernicus, Chaucer, and so on and so forth. What is our legacy? George W. Bush, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and the Bedazzler?

Hooboy, that sounds promising.


April said...

AGM - it's April10 from CM! I've been spending more time in the Blogosphere than CM lately. I've added your blog to my Reader, even though I'm a total dunce when it comes to music.

It is scary to think of what future generations will think; at the same time, I at least want it on record that I did not support most of this!! Maybe I'll be appreciated when I'm dead.

KrisR said...

I can tell you as the mother of a 17 year old daughter in today's society we use these shows as an educational tool :) A "what NOT to do" scenario. Scary stuff. Hope all is well and big ol' cyber hugs, I miss ya already.