It's Vaccination Time Again!

That's right, it's that time of year again where we all need to get our shots. I know, I know, they are annoying and a bit painful but we all want to stay healthy don't we? "It's just a flu shot" you may be saying, but first understand that I am not talking about the flu shot. I am actually talking about the vaccinations one receives before being able to watch my favorite show: Bret Micheal's Rock of Love. You may all remember my stunning commentary regarding his last foray into "television dating", but now I am back and so is he and his gaggle of venereal disease stricken whores he likes to call his "babes".

This time, though, the premise is different. Rather than spend a couple of months festering in a disease filled house in the Hollywood Hills, Bret and the Petri Dish Gang have decided to take the "dating experience" on the road in the Rock of Love Bus and spread their syphilitic and herpes ridden awesomeness to all the stops in Bret Micheal's "tour" across the USA! YAY!

So without further ado, I give you, Rock of Syphilis, part 3:


Where do I begin? Seriously. Where. do. I. begin. First and foremost, let's get the elephant out of the room and just say that Bret Micheal's is looking more and more like a douche with every plastic surgery he is getting. What's with the pursed lips dude? And the lip gloss? Are these all really trannies and you're just not telling us? Secondly (no pun intended) but do these women really think they look good with balloons on their chest? Do I even need to point out that a breast that is a PERFECT CIRCLE is really ugly? Do you think you look hot? I cannot imagine how our image of "beauty" evolved to this.

Let's take a look at my favorite cast member who (SPOILER ALERT!) sadly gets eliminated on the first day. This is Nikki and she is a skank.
And I mean that in most truest sense of the word. She is a skank. Her claim to fame and, I think, one of the reasons she got eliminated, is doing a shot out of Gia's vagina. I'm not kidding. She did a shot out of another girl's pussy. Correct me if I am wrong here, but if you're on a first date (as this is technically a first date), I really don't think that eating out another chick is a good way to tell your date you're really into him. Just my opinion, but what the hell do I know.

This here is our veteran "Porn Star Wanting To Find A Man Who Loves Her" story. Jasmineva here, just wants someone to "hold her at night". How sweet. Jasmineva is tired of getting Bukkake'd and paid for it and now just wants someone to spoon with at night who will Bukkake her for free and love her, cherish her and dick slap her without the cameras rolling. Seriously. It brings a tear to my eye.

This is Constandina. She's "spritual" and a belly dancer. Personally I think she's inhaled too much incense and looks like an anorexic Pete Burns. She tried to cleanse Bret's chakra or something and succeeded in just looking douchier than Bret which is a feat in itself.

Believe it or not, in the train wreck that is the new cast of VD On The Move, there is a voice of reason. A shining bastion of intellect who has refrained from getting piss drunk, taking off all of her clothes, puking, engaging in girl-on-girl action, and who is ACTUALLY on the show because she wants to get to know Bret and start a relationship with him. This is Taya. She was recently voted Penthouse Pet 2009. Penthouse Pet. A Penthouse Pet is dictating decorum and etiquette. Now do you see the bar that has been set here?

Now go get your shots!

Rock of Syphilis

I have come to the conclusion that a million years from now, whatever humanoid creature that inhabits this planet, will find that the only artifacts that have survived from the 21st century are old tapings of Rock of Love and Rock of Love 2, thereby assuming that our civilization died out due to idiocy, exposure to toxicity in silicone and plastics, sexually transmitted diseases, and too much eyeliner in grown men pushing 50.

Seriously, why is it that Bret Michael's face always looks like it is oiled and wet? Why is that a feature on men with plastic surgery. Oh please, let him deny he's not "had work". The man looks Asian for christ's sake! He's almost to the point of looking like Joan Rivers, except he wears more makeup and she doesn't sport the bandana too often. Also, while he was sucking face with Tramp #7 or whatever Bimbolina's name is, the camera panned to the back of his head, and honeys let me tell you, the man's hair is not real. I've seen enough, hell I've worn enough, fake hair to know a realsie and a falsie. His hair is not real. I betcha he's balder than Bruce Willis under that cowboy hat-bandana-wig combo he's got going on.

Anyhow, this show is a train wreck and I likes me some train wrecks. Between this show and Flavor of Love (what is he on now, 3? 4? 12?), my yearning to conceive a daughter lessens by the millisecond. THESE are what women aspire to be? Some boobed up, siliconed hoochie on a reality show where you're sucking face with an 80's has been? (Well, in Flavor Flav's defense, I don't think of him as a "has-been" because the impact Public Enemy made both in the hip-hop world and in the "white girls who listen to revolutionary rap music while riding the bus to school" is still evident today). Anyhow, these women are D.U.M.B.! Dumb with a capital DUMB. Sure, you look like a Barbie now at 23, but what about 43? 53? 83? What are they going to do when gravity eventually wins and everything droops, hips widen, Father Time pays a visit, and plastic surgery just isn't going to cut it? That grey matter between your ears ladies is useful! Try it out sometime!

Ugh! I also love how these women are "like totally in love with Bret like oh my god like he is my man like forever" (<----actual quote spoken by Trampoline #4). They love him? As in love love? Hell, I'm not even sure I love Randy and I married him (kidding honey, I love you, just in case you are reading this, I was just being facetious). Methinks the Trampolines are mistaking "love" with "lust" with "how can I further my carreer in Playboy and/or movies on Skinemax".

If you think about the legacies our predecessors have left us, we think of things like The Great Pyramid of Cheops, Macchu Picchu, the Roman Aqueducts, Shakespeare, Caravaggio, DaVinci, Michelangelo, Copernicus, Chaucer, and so on and so forth. What is our legacy? George W. Bush, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and the Bedazzler?

Hooboy, that sounds promising.