For those of you who know me, you know that "prude" and "easily offended" are not words that really describe my personality. Hell, when you've worked at some of the clubs I've worked at, you have to lose certain inhibitions and realize that yes, sometimes I'm going to have to see a grown man in a diaper getting spanked while sucking on the 9 inch stiletto heel of a she-male named Bitzi. These things don't phase me. It's like watching ants and an anthill. Boring. But I digress. What I really want to talk about is my Xbox 360. I subscribe to Xbox Live, where I can play games with people all over the world. Sometimes I play war games, like Gears of War, where me and a team of others unite to save the world from alien invasion. It's fun and pretty neat to have my headset on, barking commands at some guy in Ireland to "Get my back while I check for ammo over here!". It's a rush to be in this co-op mode; almost as though we are actually in this war for humanity.
There are also other Xbox Live games I play with other people: 3D Golf, Billiards, Texas Hold 'Em, and my current favorite UNO. Yes, yes, I know. Why the hell did Randy and I shell out $500 for an Xbox 360 if we play a card game we can buy for $2.99 at the gas station. I don't know, it's just fun. UNO, not only is Xbox Live enabled, it is also Xbox Webcam enabled which allows for players to see eachother and chat while playing UNO. Fun right? Not really.
You see, the webcam feature, I've noticed, is a perfect tool for the Xbox Live pervert. I can't count how many times I've logged into a game, expecting a friendly card game, but instead am thrown into Porn Central 101. No joke! Tonight, for example, I joined an UNO game and the second I entered the room was met with hoots and hollers and "fuck yea"s. Upon fully entering the room, I saw that Player 3, or the Red Player, had his webcam on. Instead of seeing a friendly face, I was greeted with a penis being deep throated by a woman. Live. Not a picture. Not a cartoon. This guy had his webcam trained on his girlfriend/wife/neighbor/sister/who knows giving him a blow job! Um, I just came in to play UNO dammit! And worst of all, I call UNO and then get a damn draw four card passed to me!
There have been other things I've witnessed while playing UNO. The other day, a woman joined my game and immediately trained her webcam onto her vagina. CLOSE UP. Spread eagle, fingering herself like there was no tomorrow. Um, again, I just came to play some UNO. Then there was the lovely couple who decided to have sex on their webcam while playing UNO. Full on sex. They really went at it. And surprisingly, the didn't miss a hand either. I'm pretty sure they won the game as well. I don't know how I'd feel if my mate came up to me and said "Baby, let's play UNO and make love and share it with the rest of the world". Again, what ever happened to just playing UNO? I've seen more breasts, penises, vagina, and sexual acts playing this damn UNO than I have at any Gomorrah party (NYC people you know what I'm talking about.) Seriously! I don't need to rent porn! I can just go play UNO!
Listen, I have no beef with exhibitionists. I do have a problem when they do it in the public rooms and kids are on there. Remember, this is a video game system. Most of the people I play UNO with are under 18 and/or are parents with their children in the room. Xbox Live has private rooms for more "adult" conversations and I wish these people would take their performances there. But, I guess if they did, what kind of exhibitionists would they be? I don't want to sound like a prude, but I'm a mom now and I certainly wouldn't want Dante to be playing UNO and seeing this. Not because I think the naked body is dirty and sex is dirty, but because there is a time and place for everything. If exhibitionists want to do this sort of thing on Xbox Live, let them in rooms designated for over 18. Or am I wrong here?
I don't know. I just want to play UNO.
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