I've been getting my suitcase ready for the hospital this past weekend as I am about 5 weeks away from my due date and, knowing that my mom delivered both my brother and myself early, I do not think I will be waiting the full 5 weeks before little Dante makes an appearance. So I want to be ready.
In order to pack my back successfully, I had a little list that I got at my Lamaze class so I was going through everything step by step. Everything was fine until I got to the underwear part. You see, since I started to be obviously pregnant (and not the sexy gal I was before), my underwear has changed drastically. As I was searching through my underwear drawer for things to pack, I came across these strange and wonderful objects that I hadn't seen in almost 7 months. They were silky! They were lacy! They were skimpy and thongy (is that a word?)! They were sexy! But most of all they were panties! You're probably saying, "Hey don't you still wear panties?". To which I must simply reply, "Hell, No".
One cannot allow themselves to describe what pregnant women wear as undergarments as "panties". "Panties" insinuates a sort of playful coyness; a certain girlish innocence; a small sexy little undegarment meant more to tantalize the viewer than to actually be an undergarment. What I, as a fully pregnant woman wear, CANNOT be considered a "panty". I think more appropriate words for what I wear these days are "parachute", "tent", "blanket", "behemoth", or just "holy shit did you borrow those from Andre the Giant?". NOT sexy. NOT skimpy. NOT thongy. NOT lacy. NOT silky. NOT PANTIES.
And I love how these companies market these dreadful undergarments. Do they actually think that by making them pink with hearts on them that you'll feel better wearing them? NO! It's more like, "Hey look at my fat ass in these pink heart gigantor grandma underpants...ain't I super sexy?". I tried to put on one of my pre-pregnancy pair of "panties" and almost killed myself on the spot. I have to wonder to myself if I will ever be that sexy hot mama that got knocked up in the first place.
So I finished packing, even after my terrible ordeal in my underwear drawer. The parachute underpants are packed and I'm sitting comfortably in a pair right now. Someday, somewhere, somehow, my "panties" will return to me and I can use these pregnancy underpants to dust the house and/or help some boater out with a new sail.
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2 comments:
This article is very good, I learned a lot.
Honest question: Did you never wear sexy panties during the whole pregnancy? Not even for a fun night? I'm genuinely asking as I thought a thong might be fun now and then, if not for daily wear. I wrote this: http://theenclosed.com/pregnant
Am I wrong?
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