Arachnophunny?

I'm Arachnophobic.
I am scared of spiders.
Yes, yes, I know the irony: An admitted "goth chick" who is afraid of spiders. I mean, aren't I supposed to love everything creepy, crawly, and Halloween related?
No. I don't. I am afraid of spiders and anything related to the arachnid family. This includes scorpions, ticks, crabs (not arachnids but scary nonetheless), etc.

Now you might think that when I say "scared", I mean something to the effect that I see a spider and say "eek!" and run away or grab a shoe and kill it.

Not even close.

Let me explain to you what happens to me when I see a spider. First of all, I lose the ability to speak. You ever have those dreams where something bad is happening to you and, in the dream, you try to scream, but nothing comes out? That's what happens to me in real life. Secondly, I lose the ability to move. My legs lock and I cannot run, walk, hop, skip, or jump away from the thing that is frightening me so. My hands also will clench into fists to the point where I have made my palms bruise and bleed from my nails digging into them. I will begin to shake uncontrollably and hyperventilate. Crying hysterically is also part of the deal. But the "best" part of my fear of spiders is that lovely fact that I lose all bladder control. It doesn't matter if I am in private, in public, with friends, with strangers, children or adults, I will pee my pants.

This has happened to me in the middle of Target, in the privacy of my own home, in a park, at birthday parties, at work (before I was a mom), and everything else in between.

It's not funny.

It's humiliating and embarrassing.

Let me reiterate in case you didn't get it: I PEE MY PANTS and I can't control it.

This doesn't just happen with actual spiders in front of me. It happens with pictures of spiders, movies with spiders, real spiders, fake spiders, and even the robotic spiders from the 80's movie "Runaway" with Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons. In fact, I had to skip the entire chapter in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets dealing with Aragog. Those pages are actually ripped out of my Harry Potter book. When I saw the movie, I had to leave the theater and come back when I got the "all clear". And to tell you the truth, just writing this blog has made me uncomfortable.

So, to the people who giggle and laugh and think it is funny to send me pictures of spiders or walk their fingers on my shoulder and say "oooo I think there's one on you now!", I would like to say, very politely, and with love, "STOP IT".

Do you think I like being like this? Do you think it is enjoyable to feel this way? Do you think it is fun to turn down trips and gatherings with friends because I know there are spiders there? Do you think I like being laughed at? Do you think I enjoy knowing that people can lose all respect for someone after seeing them act in this manner over a spider? Do you think it is funny when people exploit this weakness and think it is funny to hide toy spiders knowing that they will scare me?

I don't. Not one bit.

So here's a memo: It's not fucking funny.

The Empathy Belly: Suck it Up!

This weekend I worked the It's A Baby and Family Expo and one of the booths was the Miami Birthing Center (I think that was their name). What made this booth really special (other than ours, of course) was the fact that they had an "Empathy Belly" with them and were letting all the dads, dads-to-be, and new dads put it on.

If you don't know what an Empathy Belly is, it is basically a huge frontal piece that fits on the torso and belly and consists of breasts and a pregnant stomach all weighted accurately as though the person was between 8 and 9 months pregnant. In other words, it is supposed to made men (and non pregnant women, but mostly men) understand what it feels like to walk around with huge boobs and a person living inside you.

Let me just say that most of the men I saw participating in this activity were BIG WUSSES. Before the suit was even securely placed on them, half of them were complaining that it was "too heavy" or that it "hurt my back" or that "they felt stupid". Really? Really buddy? Try walking around like that FOR REAL! Guys get the extremely easy end of the whole "making babies" deal. Their "job" in making said baby lasts all of 5 minutes (7 if you're lucky) and then for the next 40 weeks they go off and tell everyone "WE'RE pregnant"!.

Um, excuse me. WE? WE are pregnant? No. Wrong. Sorry. I. Me. The Woman. The fat chick over here is pregnant. You are just walking around as though you are King of Fertilization and you scored some sort of miraculous goal or something.

Sorry guys but you're not the ones waking up every hour on the hour because you have to pee. You're not expanding to the size of Texas (unless you are my husband and gaining "Empathy Weight), and you're CERTAINLY NOT, at the end of this whole process, going to push a 7-9 pound human being out of a SMALL OPENING or get cut in half, have your insides moved around and pulled out and then get STAPLED back together like you're a 10th grade English Book Report (that would be my scenario).

So I would like to say to all the men who tried on the "Empathy Belly" at the Baby Expo this past weekend, "Shut Up and get over it". You were in the suit for all of 5 minutes. Seriously. Shut Up. Anyone who is still under the misguided, archaic notion that women are somehow "the weaker sex" needs to go visit a Baby Expo and watch all the men put on "Empathy Suits".

Ok, granted, when it comes to spiders, I am like a baby and need a big strong man to come rescue me before it jumps on my face and eats my eyes, but when it comes to being pregnant and having children, please.....Let the big girls handle it, mkay?

A Bug's Life

Dante and his new friend, Jader A. Beetle

Dante and Jader became instant friends when they met as Jader was walking across a park bench. After a few minutes of walking all over D's hands and arms, and being annoyed by the bigger boy who insisted Jader was a girl, Jader expressed his wishes to be put back in the bushes so he could return to his mommy that missed him very much. Needless to say, Dante and Jader exchanged contact information and will meet up again next time we go to the park. D told Jader he looked forward to seeing him but to please not bring any SPIDER friends with him next time or else mommy would cry and pee her pants from fright. Good times, good times.