Silence in the Librar....er, Living Room

I am a horrible mother.  Yes, I said it.  I am a horrible mother.  No, I don't beat or spank or hit my children. I don't keep them locked in the basement tied to a radiator wallowing in their own filth.  No, I don't starve them or pray over them when they have life threatening illnesses.  I don't teach them hatred or intolerance or how to vote Republican.  I am a horrible mother because (dramatic pause for emphasis)...

I love it when they go to school.

There.  I said it.  My children, who I carried in my body and who I spent 9 months cooking then devoted 4 years to each of them as a stay at home mom, who I love more that the infinite Universe plus one; my children for whom I would step in front of a speeding train, for who I would climb Mount Everest in a bikini, for who I would ACTUALLY TOUCH A SPIDER (wait, maybe not that one).  Yes, I LOVE IT WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE NOT HOME ALL DAY AND AT SCHOOL.

I feel so terrible for saying that, but it truly is a wonderful thing.  I have had a child or children following me around every second of every day of every minute for the last 8 years, and while I was very anxious and weepy to see my littlest go off to Pre-Kindergarten this year, that sadness lasted all of about, oh, give or take, six minutes.

Let me explain why.

• Bathroom Use. - I can now actually use the bathroom for more than 5 minutes without someone knocking on the door to ask me if Optimus Prime has parents (no, he doesn't) or if killing a mammoth while walking through Skyrim is a good idea (no, it isn't).  I can sit and "ponder the universe" for as long as I like.  Seriously, it has been 8 years since I took a shit alone.

• Showering - Pretty much the same as "bathroom use", but in this case I can comfortably remove my clothes without having to lock 3 doors and run the risk of one of my boys coming in to ask me "why are your boobs so down low" or "is that your vagina? does it hurt?"  Showering has now become a pure art form.  I can actually savor scrubbing my hair with that awesome shampoo I spent too much money on.  I can sit and let the hot water soothe my aching back and let the bathroom steam up so I feel like I'm in a cocoon.  It's wonderful to be able to SHOWER again, instead of that five minute lukewarm water "pits and slits" routine I was doing for so long.  I feel like I am in a spa now!

• Exercising - My yoga in the mornings is now relaxing.  No longer is my Downward Dog seen as an invitation to body slam me.  My Sun Salutation is met with peace instead of "mom watch this, I'm a Ninja (something breaks)".  My final Savasana is restful and introspective, not "Look mom, I can be dead too!" followed by screaming and swords.  Yoga now, in the mornings, is what it is meant to be.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Savasana with Sword, Dodie -Age 4

Savasana with Sword, D Age 8

    

• Household chores - It used to be that folding clothes meant I would fold the laundry, leave the room, and come back to my children "helping" me fold by mixing everything up and dropping half the laundry on the floor or the dog.  The dog would then try to eat the clothes and end up slobbering all over half of them.  Yea kids, thanks for the help. Same with dusting and mopping the floors.  Please, just....dont help.

• Watching TV/Movie -  I can watch the most inappropriate TV or Movie I want without little pitchers hovering.  To date, while I have been folding clothes or dusting, I've watched, um, ok, um.....no that's not bad, no that's a kid show, OK!  I've caught up on Drunk History AND Mistresses so HA!  I am so rocking that TV time.  Today, for example, I watched a whole hour of The Adventures of Gumball before realizing that there were no children home and that I was the only person (read: adult) in the room.  Laughing.  Hysterically.  At Gumball

• Grocery Shopping - There is nothing more beautiful in this world than going shopping alone.  Especially grocery shopping.  Mysterious items like "Crap on a stick full of sugar that will kill you" do not end up in your cart after you turn your back to pick up broccoli.  Tantrums aren't being thrown when you accidentally walk past the toy aisle and screams of "I want that!" when pointing to some plastic knock-off "Tony the Train Engine" made in Crapzbekistan by blind infants in wheelchairs who are paid ten cents a year. There's none of that.  There's just me and the list and I'm out within the hour with time to spare.  It's amazing. 

• Gaming - I hate to say it, but I wish I had more time to do this.  For those folks who think that Stay at Home Moms have it easy, they don't.  And now that my kids are in school until 2:30, you'd think I would guiltily take some time to put my feet up and play some Dishonored or Assassin's Creed or finally finish my quests in Solstein and Skyrim.  I would so love to do that, but by the time I'm done with all the other things, there's really no time and I don't want to sit down and start something that I can only do for ten minutes.  Sure, I've taken a few minutes to check out Terraria (still don't get it), and kill a few skeletons in Minecraft, but if anyone thinks I've got a solid 8 hours to sit on my ass and play (like I'm sure some people think SAHMs do), you're wrong.  Gaming is still reserved for late nights, and because I'm so busy during the day, those "late nights" are few and far between.

• Me - Lastly, and not least, I've found this person again.  You lose yourself in your kids when you're a mom.  I haven't seen me in 8 years.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still a mom and still completely devoted to those boys I love so much.  Just, for a part of the day, I can just be "me" for a while.  I'm not "Mooo-ooommm wipe my butt!" or "Mommy help me with my math!" or "Mama he hit me!" or "Ma, I'm bleeding and my leg is falling off".  While, I love being all those versions of "Mom", it's still nice to discover "Alessia" is still around, lurking about in her Skinny Puppy T-Shirt and combat boots.  

So there you have it, all the reasons why I am a terrible mother.

I can't wait until tomorrow.

Namaste, bitches!

I recently joined the YMCA in my 'hood and after a few trial of "low impact" aerobics classes, I realized I was too out of shape, too fat, too old, and too uncoordinated to keep up with the Mitzys, Bitsys, Boopsies, and Chickies, in those "look at me I'm so cute in my workout pants dancing to Britney" classes.  So, on a whim, I decided to check out Yoga, because I had heard that it was perfect for people who needed to train their bodies back into excercise and because it only had one star next to them in the brochure, indicating that I wasn't going to have my ass kicked in 2 minutes.

Now for those of you who know be, either in the "real world" or the "twitterverse", know that I can be easily labeled as a "Cranky Atheist", "Unforgiving Skeptic" or plain ol' "Bitch".  When it comes to magic, superstition, being "one with mother earth", healing chakras, or "the healing power" of basically anything, I will give you the biggest eye roll this side of the solar system.  To put it plainly, I live in the real world.  I don't have a "spirit" or a "soul".  My "chi" does not need to be centered and my "aura" is basically telling you to shut the fuck up. In other words, "Spirituality" does not apply to me in any way shape or form.  I'm the Ebenezer Scrooge of Spirituality, except instead of saying, "bah humbug" I'm usually just calling bullshit on you and accusing you of being a hippie who smoked too much pot.

Suffice it to say, I was a bit apprehensive about going to my first yoga class, but I tried to "open my mind" (and not laugh) and in I went.  That was three weeks ago and since then, I have upped my yoga-ness to 3 times a week (with Pilates thrown in between).  I have even purchased my very own yoga mat, complete with peace dove, bamboo, and heart decoration on it.  And it's NOT BLACK.  It's purple.  My body is not thinner, but I have lost inches everywhere and I am night and day on how I move.  And, if I can even say this without revoking my "Cranky Atheist" card....

I feel "connected" to my "spirit" when I am doing the practice. 

Between the breathing and the names of each pose, it's hard not to feel the thousands of years of  history in these ancient motions.  It's hard not to secretly be proud of yourself as you do a complete backbend with your hands behind your head FLAT on the mat.  It's hard not to channel the strength of the Buddha while balancing in a perfect "tree" position.  It's amazing to go from Child's Pose, to Plank, to Downward Dog and feel the sweat dripping off my face as my arms start to shake from exhaustion.  At the end of the practice, my abs are screaming, my arms are noodles, and my legs feel like jello.  But I am so proud of myself that as we end the practice in the Savasana (Corpse Pose), I really do allow the pose to affect me and .....dare I say it.....my spirit.

So what the hell is happening here?  Is this "Cranky Atheist" becoming "Spiritual"?  Do I need to check "Buddhist" on forms now when asking me about my religion, instead of the big black, upper case NONE/ATHEIST that I normally scrawl?  Could it be that in "opening up" my body during yoga classes, I'm kind of opening up to the idea that maybe I am connected to this pale blue dot that's spinning aimlessly in space?

Now before any of my more religious readers start planning a "Come to Jesus" party for me, let me tell you that this in no way makes me believe in a higher power or god or creator or anything superstitious.  If anything, Yoga has enhanced my belief that human beings are amazing products of evolution and that we are simply connected to our planet in such a way that we are connected to eachother.  Neil DeGrasse Tyson, my astrophysicist, atheist, secret boyfriend, said it best when he said, "We are all connected; To each other, biologically To the earth, chemically To the rest of the universe atomically."

Who knew that I would have a "spiritual" experience?  In a Yoga class.  At the local Y.

So what am I if I am not the "Cranky Atheist"? Can I be a Buddhist Atheist? If atheism is the absence of belief in gods, then many Buddhists are, indeed, atheists. Buddhism is not about either believing or not believing in a god or gods. Rather, the historical Buddha taught that believing in gods was not useful for those seeking to realize enlightenment. I guess then that I am becoming enlightened. Not to a higher power, but rather the power that is within me to push myself and feel better about myself. 

So, Namaste, bitches!  With a side of "Ohm" as well.