Standing Room Only

If you follow this blog or any other web space I happen to occupy, then you know that I had spinal surgery back in May 2012 and the road to recovery has been a long and difficult one. I haven't blogged about a lot of what I am dealing with as far as mobility, pain, weight issues, etc. because I think it would just be one complaint after another and bore everyone to death. Suffice it to say, I have a tough time some days while others I feel like I could ballet dance across the world. So it wasn't without some trepidation that I booked our yearly Disney trip, not entirely sure if I was going to be able to hack it.

The fact of the matter is that I have trouble walking if I'm not leaning on something. A shopping cart is usually my best friend and sometimes I rely on a cane.  I've been exercising at the gym four days a week but I think I'm doing more harm than good and have backed off. Standing still is agony and the pain shoots down my legs after about five minutes so the prospect of walking around Disney and then standing on a line for an hour made me want to cry.
"So why go to Disney" I can hear some of you saying.  And I just have to answer that 1. We go every year and it's our family vacation and 2. I'm not putting my life on hold simply because something hurts.  I'll work it out.
I did a whole mess of research before embarking on our vacation and found that along with wheelchairs, I could also rent an ECV motorized scooter at the parks for a whopping $50 A DAY. (We were there 5 days, do the math).  So I decided to swallow my pride and rent a scooter.  Walking from our hotel room to the restaurant had put me in tears so I knew I had no other option. And so, it began.

Scooter, Magic Kingdom, Day 1:

When I walked up to the ECV rental kiosk, I was filling out the paperwork for the scooter and happened to glance over at other folks renting the same thing. Some of the people were elderly folks with canes, adults in casts, or people with crutches, but a majority of the people renting them were these ENORMOUSLY fat people who just didn't feel like walking.  And before anyone tells me I'm "judging", I'm not.  I flat out heard at least five people on scooters say something to the effect of "so glad I rented this, I ain't walkin through this damn park".  Ok fine you don't want to walk, but ECVs are in limited quantity (unlike wheelchairs which they have millions of) and by "not wantin' to walk this bitch", you're essentially making someone who actually needs a scooter, have to put their name on a waiting list and then struggle until their name is called.  So I got on my scooter and I instantly felt like an idiot.  Then I began second guessing myself. "Do I need it?", "Should I just walk?" "Do I look like Kendra Krinklesac?"

 

So I proceeded to enter the park with Randy pushing the double stroller next to me and that's when all hell broke loose.  People just don't look or care that someone is on a scooter and I was bumped and bashed and eye rolled at more than I could count, but the worst parts were the comments.  Because I am not visibly "disabled" people assumed I was just ridin' dirty and the things that came out of some of their mouths was certainly NOT what the "Happiest Place on Earth" would deem appropriate.  "You're one fat, lazy bitch", "Looks like they'll give any fat fuck a scooter here", "Wow could you be any lazier?", "Hey instead of dyeing your hair freakish colors why not hit the gym?", and so on and so forth.  It was horrible and it certainly did not make the start of my vacation pleasant.  So I decided to return my scooter and go with just pure adrenaline and use the stroller as my leverage.  But, I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle standing on long lines so I opted to get the Guest Assistance Card (something I had researched and heard about prior) which would not automatically move me to the front of a line for an attraction, but would allow me Fast Pass entry to the rides that offered it.  Most people who use the GAC are folks who have back problems, joint issues or children with special needs that don't require a wheelchair.  I brought my medical records in the event that I was going to use the GAC but it turns out that I didn't need them because by law, Disney is not allowed to ask why you are asking for the pass.  Bad move, Disney.

As it turns out, the line for the GAC was longer than the line for Pirates of the Caribbean.  Every Tom, Dick, and Harry was on line asking for one of these cards. Some folks visibly needed one (like the family with the "Make A Wish" package and their little boy), others didn't, but because I wasn't walking around with a hole cut in the back of my shirt showing off my neat scar, I naively assumed that they had back and joint issues as well.  So I got my card and they wrote my name on it and how many people were in my party and stamped it with the "use alternate entrance" notation and we were on our way.

Let me say that the GAC, for people who really need it, is a wonderful wonderful wonderful thing.  If lines were more than 20 minutes long, I used mine.  I didn't want to abuse it so I gave myself that 20 minute window to stand.  As it was, 20 minutes was ROUGH for me to stand in line for, but I did it because I saw so many people abusing the GAC that I felt bad.  For example, Dante and I went to the line for Soarin' at Epcot.  The Stand-by line was 90 minutes long. There was no way I could do it. The Fast Pass was 5 minutes. I showed my card, they asked my name and how many people, and we were whisked through.  In front of us though, were four girls, the oldest was twelve.  They had a GAC pass and were put through as well.  All four of them SPRINTED through the maze of tunnels leading to the ride, then proceeded to sit on the floor, gossip, and put on makeup while waiting the whopping 5 minutes.  It took me TEN MINUTES to walk to the ride from the entrance by taking baby steps and holding on to the railing.  We were letting old ladies with canes pass me.  Yet, these little girls had a GAC and ran the Olympics to get to the ride?

 

I saw so many more instances of the GAC being used by people who didn't really need it that I really think Disney needs to change its policy on getting one.  I don't mean that they should have to ask for a full medical history, but at least a doctor's note explaining why you should get one or what problems you have.  We would not have been able to do most of the rides at the parks had we not had the GAC because it was busier than normal (dance competitions, twirling competitions, soccer teams, and Kelly and Micheal were taping their show there) as I would not have been able to stand on line for that long.  In some instances where the Fast Pass or alternate entry was not available, I was allowed to sit and wait for Randy and the kids to catch up.  I thought that was fair.  

Because the Guest Assistance Card is a "Disney secret" that some people use to their advantage, I did get some inquisitive looks from Disney cast members when giving them my pass. No one was ever rude to me, but you could tell that sometimes they were saying to themselves "Oh great, another one of these" when I showed it to them.  Their doubts were soon allayed, though, when they saw that it took me 6 years to get from point A to point B and I needed to lean on walls in between.  Nevermind getting into the ride itself with the whole stepping down into the seat thing taking me another 5 years.

I also found that in talking to other folks who had a GAC card, that they would instantly get defensive with me and start rattling off their many ailments.  While my initial motive in bringing it up in conversation was to find out if they had been getting any slack from people calling them "line cutters" (since I had), they thought I was questioning them as to their validity of owning one.  Which I wasn't, but in thinking back on it, why would they get so defensive if they weren't hiding anything? But then again, I did the same when someone would comment on mine.  One man even went so far as to lift his shirt up and show me all of his bullet holes and scars from his surgeries.  I was like, thanks dude, I believe you.

I never did use a scooter again on our trip and we did a lot of walking.  The double stroller was very helpful in aiding my walking but I was in constant pain (thankfully I remembered to pack my muscle relaxants for the end of the day), but the added privilege (and it really should be a privilege and not a "perk") of having the Guest Assistance Card made my experience at Disney so much more bearable and manageable.  I just wish people had more integrity to not abuse such a necessity for people who really need it. 

By far, the "best" example of the "disability abuse" that we saw had to be the woman in a scooter on our bus ride back to the hotel one night.  She was in a rented ECV and used the handicapped ramp to board the bus.  In order to do this, the bus driver has to lower the bus, then open the special doors, lower the ramp, close a section of the bus and strap the scooter (along with the rider) into a special set of buckles and belts to keep the ECV and its rider safe.  This takes about 6 minutes to do. While he was doing this for her, she, in a very frail voice, thanked everyone for their patience and apologized that we had to wait.  Everyone on the bus, of course, was accommodating and kind. I mean, this woman is disabled. What are we going to do, yell at her because we want to get back to the hotel now?  Of course not.  So she gets strapped in and the bus gets to her stop (we were getting off there too) and the process of letting her off begins again.  And again, she in her frail voice apologizes for the delay then scoots off on her ECV into the building.  About 30 minutes later, we are sitting at the same bus stop waiting for the bus to take us to our hotel room (we were at the resort restaurant) and as it pulls up, we see a woman and child SPRINT to catch the bus.  I mean, full on running at full speed.  They get to the bus and then start jumping around like crazy.  Randy turns to me and says, "Look at the lady". And I say, "Yea so?" and he says, "Look closely at her".  Wouldn't you know it.  It was the frail "disabled" woman from the bus ride earlier.

Addendum to the Disney Do's and Don'ts post

I would like to add a few very important other DO's and DON'T's for a Disney Family trip:

DO pack drinks, snacks, cold cuts and bread to make sandwiches and any other type of food you can think of.
- If you hotel room has a fridge, TAKE ADVANTAGE of this and get there with a cooler full of food to store for the days you are visiting the parks. This way, every morning, you can pack lunches for everyone and avoid paying $5.45 for a hot dog and/or $4.50 for a small bucket of popcorn. Prices for food at the parks are expensive, even if you are just buying off the cart. Make sure to also pack lots of water or juice since drinks are just as expensive. Disney doesn't mind that you do this. Your bags will be searched at each gate before entering, and no one ever told us that we couldn't bring in our food. We had sandwiches, sodas, juices, chips, goldfish, you name it and we saved a ton on eating.

Speaking of eating DO give yourself some extra cash just to eat a funnel cake.
- Seriously, if I have to explain this, then you don't deserve to enjoy the heaven on a plate that is a funnel cake.


And now a few more Don't's:

DON'T plan on keeping any sort of nap schedule.
- You're fooling yourself just as I was. I had it all planned. We'd go to the parks early in the morning, leave at about 1pm and go back to the hotel for naps. Fat chance. We got to the parks early sure enough, but with all the excitement and fun and "look at that!" and "let's do this", by the time we looked at our watch for the first time it was already 2:15 in the afternoon. Time is irrelevant in the parks. It's not your friend. It's got its own mind and before you even realize it, you've spent 6 hours wandering around the Magic Kindgom having a great time. You'll only realize it when you get back to your hotel and your feet are either bleeding, on fire, or missing altogether. So don't even think about naps. Bring a stroller. They will nap there.

Speaking of strollers, DON'T forget to bring one, and DON'T forget to bring a child leash because the stroller is basically going to be used to carry everything BUT your child or children.
- At one point, I think we had about 4 bags, 3 umbrellas, 4 jackets, empty water bottles, a bag of Jack and Sally dolls, 3 swords, 1 gun, and extra socks in the stroller. No child.
- The child leash is also a must (thanks Kristin) because your child will think that the best game ever is "hide behind something while a crowd of people walks by and give your parents a heart attack". Sure, the more uninitiated parents and/or childless folks will give you "the look" for having a kid on a leash, but the amount of people who DO carry their kids on leashes outweighs the judgmental idiots.

Oh, and last but not least...

DO expect this to happen:

Disney Don't, Disney Do: Toddler Edition

As we have just returned from a vacation in the Walt Disney World Resort area in Lake Buena Vista, Florida I thought it would be helpful for all you moms and dads out there reading my blog (all 3 of you) to get some quick "do's and don't's" for your Disney trip. Now mind you, my list here will be from the perspective of being 1) the proud owner of a 3.5 year old, 2) the proud owner of a first-time Disney husband, and 3) almost 5 months pregnant. So keep in mind that some of these things may or may not apply to your trip. Regardless, I hope you can take some new and useful information from this. Let's begin with the Don't's.

DON'T presume to think you are going to stick to any type of "game plan" you mapped out in the days before you planned your trip or the hours you spent traveling to get there.
- Your "game plan" is worthless. Don't even try planning one. You'll be all gung-ho about how "organized" and "smarter than everyone else" you are, but in reality, you are only fooling yourself. Said plan is only worth taking up the time and filling in the conversation gaps between your child screaming in the back seat of the car that he wants to listen to (insert childrens' music CD name here) for the hundredth time and arguing with your husband that Route 27 is NOT the Daytona Speedway and going 95 miles an hour is not exactly the smartest thing to be doing. Especially when we've got a trucker from the movie "Duel" (look it up) on our tail because he doesn't like my bumper stickers. The "game plan" will dissolve the moment you set foot in the hotel or the parks, depending on what kind of plan you have planned.

DON'T think you're going to be able to do one park in one day.
- No way, no how, no sir. Between the crowds (which weren't bad at all this time of year), the walking, and the resting, you'll be lucky to get HALF of a park done in one day. Nevermind all the stops to pee (that applies to both toddlers and pregnant moms), the "I want to do this ride again!" events (We rode Buzz Lightyear's Adventure about 5 times in a row), and the "I want a snack" or "I'm thirsty" (again applies to toddlers and pregnant moms) every 10 minutes, you'll be lucky to get past Main Street in the Magic Kingdom in 3 hours.

DON'T assume that just because you love a ride, your child will love it too.
- This was a hard lesson to learn for me. Seriously. Here I was, thinking "Hey, our house is filled with skeletons and gargoyles and spooky stuff. My son is the son of the Queen of Halloween! He's not scared of anything! He'll love the Haunted Mansion!" WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. The Aging Goth Mom that I am had to hang her head in sadness as my child was horrified of the Haunted Mansion. He was terrified of it and clung to Daddy as though he was glued to him. We tried our best to get him to see the cool dancing ghosts or the singing statues. We tried explaining to him that it was just like our house. But no, the kid was scared, so we just let him hang on to Daddy and then we were done. Although, as we exited and he walked out, he said, "That was scary mommy but it was cool". There is hope.

DON'T forget the little things like umbrellas, overnight diapers, Q-tips, and socks.
- If you do, you'll be forced to either use the hotel shop which charges an arm, a leg, another arm and another leg, or go out and find a Walgreens in an unfamiliar area with unfamiliar traffic and unfamiliar roadsigns, all the while losing your cool parking spot right near the elevator to your room. So check 3, 4, 75 times for everything before you leave your house.

And now, some DO's.

DO plan on checking out the Downtown Disney Area at some point on your trip.
- The Downtown Disney area, which I initially thought would be lame, is really pretty awesome even if you're not into shopping or buying overpriced Disney collectibles. There is a show in center stage every night that involves a guy going through the history of popular dances and you can join in and try to win a prize. It was hysterical and also made me feel really old because at one point he yelled out "Ok, kids this one is for you" (and I'm thinking I'll know it) and on comes "Soulja Boy" and I didn't even know it was a dance. I just thought it was a bad song. As I look around I see all these teenagers doing what I assume to be is the "Soulja Boy" dance. Then, to make matters worse, the host yells out "Ok moms and dads, this one is for you" (and I of course assume it's going to be some type of Glen Miller swing dance thingie), and lo and behold, on comes "Maniac" from the movie Flashdance and I find myself "doing" the maniac and saying, "I love this song!" *sigh* Although, all my coolness was not lost as House of Pain's "Jump Around" came on next and all of us "moms and dads" schooled those kids on early '90s hip-hop.

Speaking of Downtown Disney, DO make a point to visit and eat dinner at T-Rex.
- If you've only allotted yourselves to one "fancy night" out for dinner as we have, go to T-Rex. It's beyond awesome. Dinosaurs all over the place, a meteor shower every 15 minutes that darkens the restaurant and consists of boomings and flashing lights in the "sky", really good (but really expensive) food with dinosaur-like proportions, and best of all, a dinosaur excavation station for kids to dig for dinosaurs. By far, I think this was Dante's favorite non-Disney Park experience. We had to come back a few nights in a row (not to eat here) but just so he could "dig" for dinosaurs.

DO get Fast Passes whenever you can.
- A Fast Pass allows you to return to a ride rather than stay on line and wait. Granted the lines weren't that long when we were there, but because Dante wanted to ride Buzz Lightyear about 5000000 times, the Fast Pass allowed us to bypass the lines and enter at our assigned time with no wait. Sure, you have to wait for your appointed time, but there is plenty of other stuff to engage your young person while you wait.

DO visit Epcot, just so you can do the Soarin' and Talking with Crush rides.
- Seriously. Even if you HATE Epcot, you MUST visit only because Soarin' and Talking With Crush are the best things EVER! Soarin' is a flying ride in which you are suspended in air and "flown" over gorgeous landscapes. In our case, the both times we did it, the landscape was California. It was breathtaking and unforgettable. You are literally flying as though you were operating a hang glider and each dip and drop feels just like flying.
- Talking With Crush is just as amazing, more so for your children. Crush is the "surfer dude" sea turtle from the movie Finding Nemo and in this show, he interacts with the children in the audience: asking them questions, taking their questions, talking to their parents, and generally being completely "real" for the kids. Your child's expression is worth the wait.

And finally,

DO have the time of your life.

We had a blast and still have one day left on our passes. It doesn't expire until May, so I am sure we will trek up to Orlando sometime before then and get our Disney fix in one more time.