Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Apocalypse Now

The end of the world is nigh.  No, not because the Mayan calendar is ending and not because asshats like Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney are running for president.  Not because Whitney Houston died (although you’d think so by the reactions of the media), not because Davey Jones died, and certainly not because Pat Robertson claims that the tornadoes are a sign of it.

The world is ending because of me.  Yes, that’s right. I take full responsibility for Doomsday when it comes.  And it’s coming.

Why, do you ask?  It’s simple.

I bought a Kidz Bop CD……………………………..at the mall………………………………………….on purpose.

Now before you shake your head in bewilderment and wonder why that would cause the end of the world, let me explain to you what Kidz Bop is (other than the tool of the devil to indoctrinate children into evil).  Kidz Bop is a company which started back in 2001 which takes popular music and releases it in “kid-friendly” versions to CD.  The "”questionable language and innuendo” is cleaned up and you even have a gaggle of pre-pubescent singers belting out tunes.  So far, there have been twenty-one Kidz Bop album, the last one being the one I purchased recently.

The kids LOVE it.

Me?  Personally?  Would rather stick a needle full of spider eggs into my eye and let them hatch into my brain.

For me, the “kid-friendly” censorship is hysterical. I find it very presumptuous of this company that runs Kidz Bop to assume that I would find certain words offensive.  For example, LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” lyrics have one part where the music stops and the sample voice says, “Shake That”.  Apparently, in some alternate Kidz Bop Universe, this means “kill your parents and give BJ’s to all the boys in third grade” because the Kidz Bop version CENSORS that lyric and replaces it with “Dance That.”  I’m not kidding.  How the frig is “shake that” offensive or not “kid-friendly”?  The Wiggles have an entire song dedicated to “Shake the Sillies Out”.  Am I now to assume that the Wiggles are now some sort of purveyors of secret sex language for children?  I mean, according to Kidz Bop, does “shake the sillies out” really mean “show me your tits?”.

Another example on this CD I bought is Alexandra Stan’s “Mr Saxobeat”.  One of the lyrics reads “Playing sweet, make me move like a freak”.  Apparently, moving like a freak is unacceptable and therefore the Kidz Bop lyric reads “Playing sweet, make me dance to the beat.”  Really?  Really?!?! Am I just a crazy parent that doesn’t care about the word “freak”?  Am I a crazy parent because I don’t care what the lyrics are?  Ok Ok, I’m not going to let the kids listen to gangsta rap because the cursing and violent misogyny are pretty loud and clear, but “freak” and “sexy” (another word censored in this song) really don’t bother me.  Plus, you can hardly understand what these singers are saying to begin with which makes censorship really unnecessary, doesn’t it?.

For me though, the clincher was the censored version of Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away”.  After hearing the censorship in the earlier songs, I had a gut feeling that this Kidz Bop version was going to be deconstructed into this “kid-friendly” mishegoss that would make me laugh.  And it was.  In exactly the place I knew it would be.  The Katy Perry line goes, “Summer after high school when we first met, we make out in your Mustang to Radiohead and on my 18th Birthday, we got matching tattoos.” MAKING OUT AND TATTOOS?!?!?!?! For the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the children!  Save the children from this witchcraft!!!  And they do save the children, with the censored lines reading, “Summer right before school when we first met we'd listen every day to Radiohead and when it was my birthday you bought me some balloons”.  Balloons.  FUCKING Balloons?  What high school guy is buying BALLOONS for a girl? It gets better, the Katy Perry line following reads, “Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof”. Ok, I agree that’s not-so-kid-friendly, but any intelligent parent, if asked by their child what “liquor” is could easily say something like, “Oh it’s candy” and move on.  But no, Kidz Bop assumes that if your kids hear this they are going to become raging alcoholics that make out and listen to 90’s Indie bands while getting *gasp* tattoos, so they changed the lyric to “Used to eat your favorite ice cream and hang by the pool”. 

Did you hear that? That’s my head hitting the desk. Ice cream?  ICE CREAM?!?!
I don’t know many of the other songs on the CD well enough to know whether they were censored or not but based on those above I really don’t understand what the big deal is.  I mean, it’s not like Kidz Bop is covering Ice-Cube or Wu-Tang, so what’s the problem with a couple of “shakes” and “sexy” and a “tattoo”?  I’m really not a fan of other people telling me what my children can and cannot watch or listen to.  Honestly, when I bought the Kidz Bop CD (after Hell froze over), I simply thought that they were popular songs sung by children.  I didn’t know I was going to be told that certain words and themes were not appropriate for my own children and thus they were going to be changed.  I don’t know if I like that.  I’m a responsible parent and I make responsible choices that suit ME and MY FAMILY.  If you want to let your kids listen to Ice-Cube and Wu-Tang that’s your choice, just like it’s my choice to let them listen to songs with the words “tattoo” and “liquor” in them.  Sure, and once in a while my kids will hear a song that may have a “shit” or a “damn” or a “fuck” in it.  Doesn’t mean they are going to run around screaming it.  Why?  Because as THE PARENTS we are the ones who guide them, not some dickheads at some idiot record label.

So prepare for the end of the world.  I bought a Kidz Bop CD that smells suspiciously of “moral majority”.

I’m shaving my head into a mohawk in preparations.


Anonymous said...


krissiecook said...

I support the shaved head, no matter what the reasoning.