Thursday, March 22, 2007

Ghetto Un-Fabulous Updated

***NOTE: My mom read this blog and said that I sounded racist. Let me STRONGLY disagree with that. I don't care whether you are black, white, purple, orange with plaid stripes, this blog had nothing to do with the ethnicity of the players. My beef is with their behavior, NOT their skin tone (or lack thereof in the case of Mr. and Mrs. Throw). If anyone reading this felt that I was being discriminatory in any way, I apologize as that was not my intent. As I said, my beef is with these individuals' actions, not their appearance. You could be Lurr from the Planet Omincron Persei 5 (insert random Futurama reference here) and blasting Stevie Wonder at 2 am from your spaceship would STILL not be ok. *******

Do you ever have those certain people in your neighborhood that just bring down the whole "value" of people in your hood? I mean, they just act so ignorant and classless that any attempts to try and make your street a nice environment go right out the window? I say this because this is the case on our street. Our side of the street is all people who care for their houses and lawns; who make it a point to get to know everyone around them; who help out and pitch in when someone on the street is in need; who are, and forgive me for quoting Mr. Fred Rogers here, Good Neighbors. The opposite side of the street is just that: Opposite.

Example 1: Drunkie McDrunkness
She is the neighbor who has all her windows open along with her front door and likes to blast her stereo. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, P-Funk, and the like, but I swear, if this woman continues to play her stereo at full volume with all her house's orifices open AT 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, I think I may have to move my speakers to her door, throw on B.Y.O.B by system of a down and blast her ass. Knocking on her door (those few times she has it closed) doesn't do any good, as her music is so loud that she can't hear us knocking. Calling the cops doesn't work because all they do is tell her to turn it down and drive away. Yelling at the top of my lungs that "not everyone in the neighborhood wants to hear your shit" doesn't work either. I mean, it's gotten to the point where we cannot have our windows open at night and I LIKE sleeping with the windows open when it is cool out. Reasoning with the woman is next to impossible for, as you may have guessed from the alias I have assigned her, she not exactly sober most of the time. Oh, and don't let me forget to mention the drunken tirades she likes to go on either on her cell phone or with The Invisible Man. And because she has all her windows and door open, we get to hear every word! Lovely.

Example 2: Mr. Woman Beater aka Thug Wannabe
This is Drunkie McDrunkness's teenage son. He's the epitome of an asshole. Uneducated, unmotivated, immoral and sags his pants so low, I want to just run over to him and pull his damn pants up and tell him to go to school. Fucking Loser. Most recently, we had to call the cops on him as he was beating the shit out of his girlfriend in the front yard, while his mother (see Example 1) was screaming up and down the street about "take em bof ta jail, I ain't takin' it no mo'". Seriously, the dude had his girfriend on the ground and was closed-fist punching her like she was Mike Tyson. And the kicker? We were at a BBQ a week later at a neighbor's house down the street and the two of them showed up all lovey dovey. I wanted to smack that girl, but judging by her taste in men, she may have wanted to be my best friend if I did that. Wonderful.

Example 3: Mr. and Mrs. Let's Throw Shit and Scream at Eachother on the Porch
This is the newest addition to our street. They, of course, are on the opposite side as they enjoy having HUGE verbal fights right out on their front porch. And they like to throw things. Tonight, for example, Mr. Throw decided to toss the motorcycle at the house for some reason or another. There I was lying peacefully in bed, doing Sunday's puzzle, when I hear a crash outside. Now, it sounded REALLY close to our driveway and my car so I run out to the front porch only to see, across the street, Mr. and Mrs. Throw going at it. Again. It's kind of sad, but not really, but a few weeks ago they had a "Just Married" painted on their van. Awww how cute. Hell, they've got 3 kids was about time no? Before they were just boyfriend and girlfriend throwing things at eachother, but now they can do it as husband and wife! Excellent!

Example 4: The I'm Too Lazy to Get Out of My Car, so I'll just Lean on my Horn
Ok, so this doesn't really constitute a neighborhood person, but it's the "friends" of a person so tough shit deal with it. Ok, what does it take to GET OUT of your car and walk the TEN steps to the front door of your pal's house, knock, and say hello. Why do you have to be such a lazy mother fucker that you just pull up and HONK continually until the person comes out. You can't even just honk once; like a courtesy honk; a little . NO! You have to drive up, bass blasting out of your car like you're the VH-1 Hip Hop Honors and LEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN on that horn. Are your pants too saggy that you can't get out of the car? Is the Hummer that you're driving too precious to leave parked for 10 seconds? And why is it always that y'all seem to go visiting right when Dante has gone down for a nap. Do you have baby radar that lets you know when children are asleep so you can go honk??!?!?! Bastards.

Ok, so I'm not saying that we're perfect neigbors. I mean, yes, we DO have skulls and gargoyles on our roof and we do keep most of our Halloween decorations up all year. BUT! We keep our house nice, we mow our lawn, we keep our noise down to a minimum, and most of all we are CONSIDERATE of the people around us. So many people in our neighborhood are trying to make this a nicer 'hood, and we've got these idiots who screw it up.

I think I'll bulldoze that whole side of the street and put up a playground.

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