Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Stupid People Shouldn't Breed

I was inspired to write this blog by Susan, as she called me yesterday to comment on my previous blog and to ask me if I was serious about those two idiots not knowing that the Titanic sunk. Our conversation led me to tell her some other funny stories about Stupid People and, after laughing our asses off for a few minutes, I decided that when I had a chance I would share them with the rest of the class. Susan, I apologize in advance for boring you with this story you have already heard, but deal with it sister.

I just want to start off that either people have gotten more stupid or lost their complete and utter sense of humor lately. I swear, you can't even joke around anymore without someone biting your head off and taking it seriously these days. Case in point:

So I'm shopping at my local grocery store and there's this completely annoying cashier lady there. I do believe I have written about her in a previous blog; she was the one that told me I shouldn't drink if I was nursing and tried to put my booze back. Anyhow, I sidle up to the register with my stuff and she starts screaming down the aisle, "where's my baby? where's my baby boy?". Um, excuse me, but yes lady even though you look pregnant EVERY day coz you're a big fat ass does not mean that you pushed my son our of your nasty hoo-ha. I know, I know, technically neither did I (C-section, remember?), but I've got the scar, the stretch marks, and the pregnancy pictures to prove I birthed him lady, so quit screaming all this "my baby" crap or you'll get a nice baguette shoved up your ass. She shuts up finally about the "my baby" junk and asks me how he's doing and is he sleeping through the night. Me, being me, I tell her, "Oh yes he's sleeping just fine. I usually put a pillow over his face and punch him a few times to get him to shut up and then he goes to sleep. It's probably because he's unconscious but hey, whatever lets him get some sleep is what I say".The idiot took me seriously. No joke. Fat Ass McIdiot took me seriously and started yelling at me in the checkout line. I was so shocked that, believe it or not, had no clue what to say. So I finally said to her, "I was kidding you idiot! I only punch him once! No no no, really I am just kidding". I pay for my groceries and I think the whole thing is over, right? WRONG. Fat Ass McIdiot goes and tells the grocery store "security" guard that I abuse my child and I get stopped at the door!!!!! I then proceed to get a lecture from Deputy Douchebag from Scream about how in this "post 9/11 time we need to watch what we say". Um, what the fuck does 9/11 have to do with anything? Better yet, if I was abusing my child, what the hell does 9/11 have to do with that? Does the Taliban gain its power everytime a mother beats her kid? Did the terrorists carry pictures of women slapping their kids around to boost their evil-ness? Did the towers collapse because someone's mommy spanked them? Um, no. So again, I ask, what the hell does 9/11 have to do with it? So Deputy Douchebag issues me a "warning" and tells me to move along. A warning? What the hell is a "grocery store warning?" Does it mean that next time I come in, I can only go down the even aisles? Does it mean that I must stay away from all dailry products until a certain time that I am "unwarned"? Will my grocery bags be jailhouse gray and have serial numbers on them? Will I have to change my name to Stumpy and play the harmonica near the frozen foods? Seriously folks, if you had asked me how my baby was doing and I answered you in that fashion, would you really think I was serious? Do you actually think that someone who beats their kid would advertise it? As Susan said to me yesterday, who has ever heard of a mother announce, "Ok everyone, I just want you to know that the bruises on my kid here are from me beating the crap out of him with a shoe and tomorrow I plan on bashing his head against a tree and telling everyone he fell." Makes no sense, right? Yet Fat Ass McIdiot and Deputy Douchebag seem to have though I was serious. Give me break! Between political correctness and people just having sticks up their asses all the time, you can't even be funny anymore without having a GROCERY STORE WARNING put on you!!! Especially in this "post 9/11" world we live in.

Ok while I have it in my head, what the fuck is up with everyone starting their sentences with "Since 9/11...." or "In this post 9/11 world....". I mean, when the politicians were doing it, it annoyed me. Now it seems that everyone does it. "Since 9/11 I've gained 300 pounds and joined a cult"! "Since 9/11 I like to play with myself in the shower"! "In this post 9/11 world it's always better to brush your teeth from side to side instead of up and down"! Please! Enough already!

So that's about it in a nutshell. Either people have lost their sense of humor or I'm missing something. I don't know, but I thought it was funny. My dad and mom thought it was funny. Randy laughed his ass off and Susan thought it was hysterical. I guess Fat Ass McIdiot and Deputy Douchebag need a life.

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