Don't....

DON'T apologize or make excuses for me. If you don't like the way I dress; the way I look; my tattoos; the color of my hair, then don't invite me to your social gatherings.

DON'T tell people that I'm "normal in other ways" when introducing me. As far as I am concerned I am "normal" in every way and you're the one with a few screws loose.

DON'T use me as your comic relief. I can guarantee you that I am always smarter than 95% of the people in the room no matter where I go but am dismissed as the "weird chick" and written off as an idiot because assholes like you need to trivilialize my degrees of study, my appearance (yet again) or my political ideals. (Just for your sake, G.W. Bush in NOT the greatest president; abortion is NOT murder and even if you believe it is and are against it, then just don't fucking have one but leave the CHOICE up to everyone else; the war in Iraq is NOT justified and 3,000 lives are NOT worth it; Islam is NOT a terrorist religion; not all black people are on welfare; and your life does not suck because the immigrants and affirmative action made it that way.)

DON'T inform a table full of people that you're going to be the "one to change" me and bring me to god, and that you pray for my salvation every night. Pray for me all you like, but face facts that I am an atheist and the threat of hellfire and brimstone means about as much to me as a grilled cheese sandwich. (Although a grilled cheese sandwich sounds really good about now.)

DON'T inform me that if I don't plan on taking my son to church that I am a horrible mother and that you're going to "kidnap" him and take him yourself. First of all, touch my kid without permission, be prepared to lose your life. Second of all, if and when my son asks questions about god and religion, Randy and I will be the ones who teach him, NOT you. Also know that my son will learn about ALL religions, from Christianity to Judaism to Hinduism to Islam, all the way to those who worship the Great Pumpkin. He will not be taught that anything other than Catholicism is evil and if he so decides to explore a faith, I will support him 1 million percent and give him every avenue to see where he fits in. Until then,

DON'T push god on my kid, OR on me.

DON'T make fun of gifts my husband buys me and imply that I'm "turning him into a freak like" me. If Randy wants to buy me a coffin purse because he knows I am the Queen of Halloween and I would like it, then that's his business.

DON'T roll your eyes and degrade him, me, or his gift giving.

DON'T tell me that taking my son swimming naked (him, not me) and then taking pictures of him in the nude constitutes child pornography and that I should be ashamed of myself and that you don't "ever want to see those disgusting pictures". He's a fucking baby. His penis is the size of a pencil top eraser (even less as the water was a bit cold...guys you know what I mean), and you're sexualizing it? Give me a break. 99.9999999% people in the entire world have baby pictures of themselves and/or their children naked. Holy shit, my baby book and my pictures from childhood would be scandalous according to you! There's even ones of me and my brother taking a bath together!

DON'T sit there and goo-goo gaa-gaa over how much the birth of my son means to you and how you're this and you're that when you've not lifted a goddamn finger and given us anything for him. Not even a box of diapers. People who I have not spoken to in years, our new neighbors, the lady down the street, all who have no relation to my son have opened their hearts and generously given us gifts. People at the grocery store made us a gift basket for chrissakes! All you've done is talk about how my son's birth is all about YOU. It's not that these people gave us gifts, the gifts are not important, but you have done absolutely nothing. Our nursery is furnished by Randy and me and everyone else but you. Dante's closet is filled with clothes we bought and that everyone else gave but you. The bank account we opened for him has been deposited into by everyone, but you. Oh sure, you're there when it's time to snap pictures or to brag to everyone, but where are you otherwise?

DON'T say you're going to get us a certain gift and then wait so damn long to get it that someone else gets it and then use that excuse as to why you didn't get it. I can understand that happening once, but 4 times?

DON'T be such a fucking hypocrite.