This past Saturday I basically forcefully announced to Randy that we were going to the mall to "window shop" and test out our "emergency" credit card and that he had no means of backing out and saying no. People, I've been stuck at home for 3 weeks. I can't drive (something about pressing on the brake pedal would mess up my healing...don't ask me, ask my doctor), I can't lift anything besides Dante (once again; healing stuff, ask my doc), I cannot have sex and/or "relieve stress with a massage tool" (*ahem* you ladies know what I mean) and I literally cannot do anything besides whip out a boobie here and there and feed my child. So naturally I am going stir crazy. Thus I decided that I needed some sort of excuse to put on clothes that did not involve an elastic waistband and spit up all over the front of them and to put on some makeup and do my hair. Sure, it was just the Pembroke Lakes Mall, but I was dressed to the nines and it felt good. Plus, any excuse to test out the "emergency" (*ahem bullshit) credit card was fine by me as well.
I have to say, this having been my first official outing as a MOM, that I felt (and looked if I may say so myself) fantastic. I have already lost nearly 20 lbs. since Mr. Dante Lane was born, and I am actually thinner than my pre-pregnancy self. Now keep in mind, that when I say "thinner" don't start picturing some sort of toothpick chick. All of you who have known me longer than a year know FULL WELL that Alessia was never a toothpick, rather more "fluffy" in general areas. Thin on me is quite different than thin on a "normal" person. Anyhoo, with the 20 lbs. shed (and still going strong if I may add), I am now back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, albeit my stomach needs some work but again, no excercise until my 6 week checkup via doctor's orders (that bastard!!!). But I digress. In a nutshell: I felt like a smokin' MILF. 'Nuff said.
If you thought maneuvering through a crowded mall with just yourself was tough, try doing it with a baby in a stroller. When did everyone decide to walk .0000000000001 miles an hour and look into EVERY shop window? When did everyone who walks in front of you weigh like 500 pounds and take up the whole aisle? Even better, now the Starey McStarers who used to stop and glare and Randy and me for being such an odd couple (Queen of Halloween dates Blue Collar Frat Boy), now they have to stop and contemplate that this unholy union has spawned and brought some sort of devil worshipping Jack Daniels drinking baby into the world. The funniest is when people would say, "Oh it's a baby in there". I mean, were they expecting a pound of liverwurst? And I love people who say, "Let me guess, you named him Damien". Um, no we didn't you douchebag.
***side note: Do people read books anymore? Do you realize how many people have NO IDEA who my son is named after? If I had a nickel for everytime I've said, "my son's name is Dante" and someone says "like the football player", I would be richer that Bill Gates. Come on! Ok, I can understand having never read The Divine Comedy, but having never heard of Dante, the author? That's like never having eaten chocolate!!!!! So, if you have never read The Inferno, Purgatory, or Paradise...please...get off the internet...get a nice cup of whatever you drink and curl up and read!!!***oh, and also, I wish, that after telling people his name is Dante Marcello, people would quit saying "Damn that's like a pimpin' name". No, it's not. If you've ever seen an episode of Starsky and Hutch you would know that Dante Marcello is NOT a pimpin' name. Silky, Huggy Bear, Mr.Smooth, D-licious, those are pimpin' names. My son's name is classic and timeless and honors 2 very influential people. Pimpin' it is not.****
But I digress again. Sorry, I just don't get to have many adult conversations these days. Lately I've just been walking around the house singing songs about Mr. Yakkie McShitty or Smelly McFarto in my best falsetto to which said subject of these songs does exactly those things. Alaso, when Randy gets home from work, I'm usually waiting for him at the door to "hand off" the baby to him so I can get some semblance of sleep. Our conversations are limited to "hi how was your day", "I'm going to bed" and "No honey we still have to wait 3 more weeks before we can do THAT!". So bear with me while I branch out in every direction.
I actually started writing this blog today to discuss how impressed I was with how the view of parenting and families has changed. I say this based on the bathrooms at the mall that day. There's this thing now called a Family Restroom and it is fantastic. It's basically a separate area where bathrooms are non-gender specific and are big enough to accomodate both parents and child. Bathrooms are equipped with changing tables and sinks and smaller toilets for smaller children, along with a regular toilet for the grown-ups. There is also a separate Nursing Room which is nice for the shy moms, but as I see it, I should be able to nurse wherever the hell I want. I'm feeding my child and people who have issues with that should get over it. I say this because recently a woman down here was nursing her child in a bagel shop and WAS ARRESTED because people complained. To me, that's crap. She was feeding her baby, not auditioning for Tits on Parade. Anyhow, I really like the concept of a Family Restroom because it broadens the spectrum of what a family can be. There is no boundary here as far as who can go where (except the Nursing Room obviously). Family can now be defined as two moms or two dads or a single mom or a single dad. I really appreciated that. I am sure I am deliving much deeper into the meaning of the Family Restroom, but I am sure any alternatively compiled family would appreciate not having to figure out "Do I take my son into the ladies room? Do I take my daughter into the mens room?" and so on. Basically, it seems as though Family is no longer defined by mom, dad, and baby and I can appreciate that. Why I see this in the development of a restroom? Blame it on post partum hormones.
We had fun at the mall. I got a fabulous pair of shoes and a new purse (which I need like a hole in the head), Randy got Guitar Hero for the PS2 which is hysterical, Dante got an Ozzy Osbourne onesie at Hot Topic and we ended up spending too much money on things we didn't need with money we don't have, but it was all worth it!