Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Can I Change My Mind?

Randy and I had our first Lamaze class last night and, although I enjoyed the breathing and relaxation techniques our instructor taught us, the BIRTHING video was a completely different story. I've changed my mind. Take it back. There is no way I am going to be able to go through birth. I mean, that woman's lady parts were HUGE and there was a HUMAN HEAD coming out of them!!!!!!!! Can I tell you that I started crying during the birth? The instructor thought I was getting emotional because of the "beautiful experience". "Beautiful" my ass! I told her I was crying out of sheer fear! She laughed and said that's why Lamaze teaches you how to relax. Sister, if you think a couple of "deep cleansing breaths" are going to alleviate a PERSON COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA then you smoked way too much pot in college. I wonder if Star Trek technology can be invented before July 7th (my due date) so I can just beam this little guy out of me. What's his name, the Irish guy, the transporter room officer....hang on it will come to me, Miles O'Brien can lock on coordinates inside my uterus and just beam the little bugger out. What did Randy think of all of this? He thought it was "cool". Yea, sure. It's really "cool" when it's not your junk that is getting all stretched out and a PERSON IS COMING OUT! We did have fun with the actual Lamaze techniques. He rubbed my back, I breathed, and we bonded. It was actually romantic. I'm still scared shitless, but what can I do? It's a little late to be worried now, lol.

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