The DaVinci Code

I broke down and went to see the DaVinci Code. I wasn't going to. I really didn't want to. I enjoyed the book immensely and did not want that experience to be ruined. But we were bored (Randy's out of work for 10 days due to his stitches and risk of infection) so we decided to brave the perils of the movies on a Wednesday night. I say this because Wednesdays are Senior Citizen days at the Regal Cinema here and you never know if you're going to get that one 87 year old woman saying "What? What did he just say?" to whomever her caretaker is for that particular day.

Also, with all the religious hype the book received as well as the movie, I was in NO MOOD to deal with some idiot Jesus freak protester in my face about how the movie "insults his religion and makes God and the Church look bad". Not for nothing, but if you were worried about something insulting the Catholic Church and God, the DaVinci Code is certainly not even close to being in the Top 10. I would think that pedophile Catholic priests, The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, the pogroms that ravaged Europe, the countless murders, rapes, incests, and just plain old fucked up incidents in the Bible ( Hey dude! Go kill your son over here on this altar to prove how much you love God...oh you're about to slit his throat...baaaaah just kidding! I just wanted to see if you would do it-God). I think those would cause a little more problems for church and God, instead of a book and movie with Tom Hanks and that super sexy Jean Reno.

Anyhoo, if you haven't read the book, please do so. I'm not just saying that because you may be a bit confused if you haven't, I'm also saying it because reading books has become a lost art and not enough people read for the hell of it. Tangent for one second: I read this article in the New York Times Magazine last Sunday about how the book itself is becoming obsolete. Books now are going directly online and the beauty of cracking into a book is slowly becoming lost. So people, READ A BOOK! I don't care if it is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance or Hop on Pop, just read for chrissakes!

Ok back to the movie. I have to say that despite all the horrible reviews it has been getting, I enjoyed it. I did. I'm a freak I guess. I think I enjoyed it because it deals with my passions: The Knights Templar, Art History, and Symbolism in art. Yes, I told you I was a freak. It was like I was back in school getting a lecture from my art professor about The Master of Flemalle's Merode Altarpiece and the symbolism behind the unlit candle. Fantastic! Most of you are probably shaking your head and saying to yourselves Flaming Master of what? This explains why I liked the movie. I'm an art historian for god's sake (no pun intended). When Tom Hanks gets a 20 minute lecture from Ian McKellen about the Magdalene and the Last Supper, I'm listening; I'm interested; I'm transifxed! Most other people would be saying to themselves, "when is Audrey Tatou going to take her shirt off?"

Alas boys (and women in "comfortable shoes") she does not, nor is there any hanky panky in this film, unless you count the naked cherubs in the paintings. Which, I am surprised considering that people will get offended by just about anything today, that no group has come forward to say that the artwork shown in the movie is to be cosidered child pornography and that the Renaissance masters were all pedophiles and so are we for going to see the movie. No joke, but albinos are now protesting the movie saying that it paints albinos as bad since Silas (a crazy religious fanatic who likes to killy kill kill) is an albino. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Albinos are pissed. I didn't realize there were THAT MANY Albinos in the world to get pissed about something so score one for them for teaching me something new.

In any event, the movie is engaging, but the book is better. I don't understand why people are in such an uproar about it though. The idea that Jesus was married and fathered a child with Mary Magdalene is not a new one. It certainly isn't impossible and I don't think it is insulting to be a father. Divine or Mortal, one cannot assume that all Jesus did was hang out with 12 apostles and perform miracles. He had a JEWISH MOTHER! She was probably on his ass 24/7 bugging him, "When are you going to stop hanging out with all those boys and make me a grandmother?", "You could have been a doctor, but noooooo you have to go turn water into wine!", "What did I do to deserve a son that hates his mother so?". Come on, you can't tell me that Jesus did not have a woman in his life. Regardless of what you believe, all joking aside, the ideas put forth by Dan Brown in the DaVinci Code are neither scandalous or new. The theory that Christ was indeed a father has been debated for centuries and should really not be such an issue. The movie itself never comes out in favor of either side and actually leaves it up to the viewer. So decide for yourself but don't call this blasphemy and don't waste your breath protesting it if you haven't seen it. It's a good semi-action semi-historical fiction flick. BUT READ THE BOOK FIRST!

Emergency Rooms and Pregnancy

Randy had to go to the Emergency Room yesterday. Seems like a saw at his job decided to take a bite out of him rather than the aluminum that it was supposed to be cutting. It took a nice chunk out of his thumb, requiring four stitches, but Randy (being the manly man man man manly man that he is) just laughed it off and said "Whutever darlin', 'twarn't nuthin'". As for me? I was in a panic. You see, I got a phone call that woke me out of a dead sleep that morning and my husband's first words to me were, "Don't worry, I'm fine", which in MY world means, "Honey I'm bleeding from all orifices, my car blew up, I'm chopped in half, and I'm becoming a Republican". So, of course, I panic.

I get to the Emergency Room to meet him there and since I am 34 weeks pregnant everyone assumes I am there because I am in labor. As I try to explain to everyone rushing up to me with wheelchairs and wet cloths that I am there to meet my husband who was viciously attacked by a power tool, I get no flicker of understanding from any of them. Rather I'm bombarded with "How far apart are your contractions?" and "Are you in pain?". Finally the troops recede and I can get to Randy who is sitting on a chair, white as a sheet (although he'll never admit it), with a bloody rag around his hand. And then they call him in and I wait.

As I wait, the "look at the pregnant lady in the E/R" starts again. I literally had about 7 strangers come up to me, rub my belly and ask me if I was in labor or if the baby was coming. Now mind you, these strangers were all in the E/R for some reason or another and they were coming up to me to rub my belly. What if they had some sort of weird cootie virus and were spreading it to me? And who the fuck goes up to a stranger in the Emergency Room and TOUCHES them? I mean, there was a chick in there with some great tattoos that I wanted to talk to her about, but HALF HER FACE was bloody . Did I say, "Hey nice ink, what's it about?" or did I politely try not to stare at her when it looked like her nose was about to fall off. I think you know which route I took.

After an hour or so, Randy finally comes out with his bandage and we are on our way. I told him that the next time we go to the E/R it had better be because I am in labor 'cause I'm not going to deal with touchy feely E/R again.

On a side note: Randy is fine. He has to be out of work for 2 days and then go for a wound assessment. The stitches will come out in 10 days. His only complaint is that he can't play video games. But he does enjoy the fact that, since he can't get his hand wet, I have to get into the shower with him and bathe him. Rowr Rowr!

Can I Change My Mind?

Randy and I had our first Lamaze class last night and, although I enjoyed the breathing and relaxation techniques our instructor taught us, the BIRTHING video was a completely different story. I've changed my mind. Take it back. There is no way I am going to be able to go through birth. I mean, that woman's lady parts were HUGE and there was a HUMAN HEAD coming out of them!!!!!!!! Can I tell you that I started crying during the birth? The instructor thought I was getting emotional because of the "beautiful experience". "Beautiful" my ass! I told her I was crying out of sheer fear! She laughed and said that's why Lamaze teaches you how to relax. Sister, if you think a couple of "deep cleansing breaths" are going to alleviate a PERSON COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA then you smoked way too much pot in college. I wonder if Star Trek technology can be invented before July 7th (my due date) so I can just beam this little guy out of me. What's his name, the Irish guy, the transporter room officer....hang on it will come to me, Miles O'Brien can lock on coordinates inside my uterus and just beam the little bugger out. What did Randy think of all of this? He thought it was "cool". Yea, sure. It's really "cool" when it's not your junk that is getting all stretched out and a PERSON IS COMING OUT! We did have fun with the actual Lamaze techniques. He rubbed my back, I breathed, and we bonded. It was actually romantic. I'm still scared shitless, but what can I do? It's a little late to be worried now, lol.