Catharsis and a Purge

For almost 6 years I have bottled in a lot of anger and hurt and pent up rage dealing with my moving to Florida and the subsequent termination of my first marriage (a good thing). I spent some incredible years in NYC with some people who I thought at the time, were incredible friends. All of my photos, memories, stories, anything relating back to my years in the clubs in NYC relate back to these friends and my first husband so it's hard not to always have them in the back of my mind when I am retelling an event from those years.

Subsequently, whether it be out of morbid curiosity or just plain curiosity, I tend to "google" my ex to see what he is up to along with the friends I used to have. Call it stupid, masochistic, whatever you want, but I spent a large part of my life with these people, had some amazing experiences, and even though I am utterly happy with my life now, I do miss my youth back in NYC. And again, those memories come with baggage in the form of people who are no longer in my life.

I had 2 best friends in NYC who meant everything to me. We were inseparable. One of them even lived at my apartment half the time because she didn't live in the city and thus it was easier to have her crash on the couch. These 2 women were incredible: Funny, talented, intelligent. Just wonderful. I loved them dearly and we had the most incredible times together. This went on for almost 6 years. Then something happened. One of them got a boyfriend who I suspect didn't like me so much. The other was stuck in a bad relationship and shut herself off. Mind you, the "crew" we all hung out in was a great group as well and we were all like a family. Eventually, everything fell apart. The friend with the new boyfriend began ignoring me, not returning my calls, cancelling plans and finally sent me an email accusing me of spreading a horrible rumor about her (which I most certainly did NOT) and the other just followed what the first friend said, along with the rest of the gang and "dumped" me for a lack of a better term.

So, first husband and I moved to Florida, and less than 6 months later, we got a divorce and he went back to NYC.

I tried to contact my two closest friends during my divorce, but one told me to never speak to her again, and the other feigned interest and sympathy and never returned my emails. It seemed that the ex went back to NYC with his own version of why we got a divorce and all these friends that I had thought were so special to me, for lack of a better term, "took his side" and cut me off. When I met Randy and we got married, my first thoughts were "I have to call C____! I have to call M____!" But I couldn't. When I got pregnant and had our son, I wanted to share it with the 2 women who I'd shared the best of times with. But I couldn't. No one in NYC, not one of the friends I had back then, wanted anything to do with me.

So, I "google" people. And I get upset when I see they are all still together. I get upset when I see they are all hanging around my ex-husband, because he didn't tell them the REAL REASON why we got divorced. I get upset when I see these women, who were once my sisters, my partners in crime, my confidants, and my very best friends, taking his lies and his word over mine; never giving me a chance to speak my piece.

So let me set a few things straight. I know they will probably never read this, but I at least know that it will be out there:

To C____:

I NEVER said anything bad about you. I NEVER spread the rumor you accused me of.
Just remember that you are where you are because of your talent and in part, because of my help.
Who wrote those press releases for you?
Who went into every shop wearing your clothes and pushing them to carry your line?
Who pushed and dealt with club promoters to get your line shown?
Who gave you a roof over your head for weeks at a time so you didn't have to go back to Jersey? Who was your biggest fan and your strongest defender?
Who was there when you got sick?
Who was there when your dad died?
Who taught you how to bartend so you could get a job (which I see you're still at and excelling)?
Who did you betray when you believed the rumors and not me?

To M_____:

I have no idea why you would jump on this bandwagon.
I have no other questions for you. You sent me an email once after the divorce telling me you were working hard but would get back to me. After numerous attempts to get in touch with you, I gave up, fearing that my emails, messages and phone calls were being used as joke material among you guys. I sent you pictures of my newborn son. Did you pass those around as a joke as well?

To S____ my ex husband:

Why not tell people the real reason we got divorced: Your lack of work ethic? Your porn addiction to the point where it became a "problem"?
Why not let people know what you did to me while I was sleeping? And the video tape I discovered?
Have you told them that?


Have you?