Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Remember When? Hardcore Edition



I've become a party, unwillingly and unwittingly mind you, to a very odd trend.  It's the "remember when" trend that pops up when you friend old boyfriends and/or flings on Facebook or other social media sites.  While I think that it's fun and cute to reminisce with my fourth grade bf about how we kissed and roller skated to Wham!'s "Careless Whisper" back in 1984, I was not aware that this game of "remember when" would turn into some weird cyber porn fantasy for those ex-boyfriends and/or flings that wanted to get dirty talk for free.

Now mind you, I'm no prude.  As stated above, I have mentioned plural forms both of the terms ex-boyfriend and fling, which means that there are at least more than two other people I have slept with other than my current husband.  I can assure you that the number is less than 100.  Probably closer to 98.  Maybe 98.5 if I count the dude that didn't get off.  KIDDING!  Not really.  No Kidding.  My mother is probably reading this so, yes I am kidding. No I am not. WHATEVER!

Regardless, I am married with children now. I am pushing 37, overweight, overtired, underpaid, and overstressed. I'm not the cute little freaky goth girl these guys still think of me as.  I'm not that girl anymore.  I mean, I am, but now I'm the fat, old, and motherly version of her.   

My first inappropriate "remember when" came a little over a year ago when a dude that I knew from high school decided to ask me if I still had "nice tits".  Ok, mind you, I was a nerd in high school.  Nobody liked me except other nerds.  I was not allowed to date therefore I have no idea how this kid could remember my boobs.  Ok, I had big boobs, but when you are not popular and have big boobs, you get made fun of, not asked out.  Anyhow, this d-bag would send me private messages asking me about my boobs.  At first I told him off politely, "Dude, you're pushing 40 and single.  Get out your credit cards and go to boobs.com if you're desperate for bodacious ta-tas".  Then he started publicly commenting on pictures of me and my son asking me to "move dat camera down so I can see the titties", to which I promptly unfriended him and blocked him.    

Another "remember when" came a few months later on when I reconnected with a fling.  This guy had a pregnant wife and he began messaging me almost immediately after I hit the "Accept" button on his request.  Silly me that I would think people grow up.  His messages consisted of a play-by-play of his memories of "that night".  Seriously.  "That night" was SIXTEEN YEARS ago.  I was barely twenty years old.  I can't even remember what I had for dinner ten minutes ago and this dude expected me to reminisce on what position we "did it" in sixteen years ago?  Really?  REALLY?  Oh, and by the way, I wonder if his pregnant wife knew he was talking to another woman like this.  Needless to say, *poof* went the "unfriend" button on that one as well.

Look, maybe I was this amazing little sex kitten when I was in my twenties. I will freely admit that I had some awesome times with some awesome people and I regret NONE of it.  I had some of the greatest friends, crazy times, and memories that I will cherish for a long time, but I'm not interested in rehashing every drunken sexcapade or every dirty tryst or each and every wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am with you.  The fact of the matter is, I kinda love my husband.  I think it would be extremely disrespectful to him if I were to have sex chats with old boyfriends/flings.  I think it would be extremely disrespectful to myself.  I am so much more than a screw, sixteen years ago. And most of all, I think it would be extremely disrespectful to the wife/girlfriend of the other party.  As a woman, how could I disrespect a sister like that?

Let me stress, though, that not all of my ex-boyfriends/flings that I am friends with on certain social networking sites are like this.  One of the guys, who I will always have love in my heart for (and yes, my husband knows that and knows why), is a husband and father of two children, and he and I have great conversations about where we are in life now, our families, and such.  It is possible to actually speak to an ex without having to ask them about their genitals and how they are using them since you last saw them.

Seriously, and I mean this with love and respect, to those of you who I have not "unfriended" yet, but may if you continue.  Stop it.  We had fun. It was a long time ago and now we have other fun with the people we are with and who we adore.  At least I do. I will be your friend, your confidant, and even your "person to tell gross things to", but if you want to talk dirty or talk about your sexual fantasies or reminisce how I touched you "there", get out your credit card, and call a phone sex line.  I'm not interested.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

April huh?

Apparently I went through the whole month of April without being outraged enough to blog about something. I blame lack of sleep.  I promise to return in full snark soon.

Until then....I leave you with this: