Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard......

....well not all the boys. Just one in particular.

I love to nurse. I really do. Sure it puts a toll on your boobs and you end up tripping over your nipples, and they get sore and engorged and you sometimes feel like Bessie the Milking Cow, but 99.9999999% of the rest of the time you feel like Mother Earth and suddenly have urges to go buy a pair of Birkenstocks, shop at Whole Foods, and invest in the Joan Baez collection. Ok, maybe not that extreme for me, but I did, for a moment, consider the notion that Patchouli didn't smell "like death and dirty hippie" so much.

Thankfully, I came to my senses, but I still felt like an empowered woman, feeding my young with the incredible power millions of years of evolution have given me.

I find it so strange that people find breastfeeding "offensive" and want women to cover themselves in a Burka or run to the nearest dirty bathroom to do it. The LAST thing breastfeeding is, is a sexual act. Seriously, from the moment my children were born, my boobs went from being "Sexy Fun Bags You Can Play With" to "Don't Touch Them, These Are Food For the Baby". There is nothing sexual about them right now. I can't even imagine my husband touching them in that way. It makes my skin crawl to think about it. No, they are outlets for my child to eat right now. Get away from them with your man-hands and dirty thoughts!

Breastfeeding is so not sexual that I have no problem nursing wherever, whenever, and in front of whoever I am around. Both my dad and my brother (the poor guy) have been witness to me whipping one out and feeding my child. Did they care? Maybe my brother did for a second, but that's because he is young and has a new fiancee and they don't have any kids, but he soon got over it. Why? Because I'm feeding another human being. Not running around in pasties (which would be dragging on the floor) going "Look at my tits!"

People often say that women who nurse should cover up because of "modesty" and "respect" for the people around them. I say, why? Now mind you, I'm not taking my whole breast out, letting it flop around for a bit while I position the baby onto it. I have a very slick way of 1-2-3 getting nipple, baby, and latching done without anyone being the wiser. I don't use a blanket, I don't run to the nearest bathroom, and I don't cower in a corner. You probably wouldn't even realize I was nursing unless you came and shoved your face in my boobs (which would garner you a punch in the mouth). And even if I did "show" my breast before I nursed my child, is it really a terrible thing?

Men walk around with their boobs hanging out all the time.

And this is "offensive"?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Rants, Raves, and The Gays

Apologies in advance if some of the things I discuss in today's blog are a little out of date, but it is virtually impossible to sit down and blog with a very demanding and attached six-month old and and equally demanding four-and-a-half year old. As I write this, the baby which was soundly sleeping is now awake and gurgling in the next room, so on top of the previous apologies, I must add another if my blog seems rushed or disjointed.

Ok so, I have written notes with some talking points on them which may make it seem scattered, so sue me.

First things first, it's obvious that the big story in the news has been the shooting in Tucson. Of course, you have seen the previous posts by the Conservatard referencing my comments on the tragedy on another website. Now while I generally agree that the crazed maniac who committed this act is indeed a crazed maniac, I have to think that the rhetoric by such geniuses of the political world did not help the situation. I find it highly coincidental and suspect that the main target of the attack was a politician who had been "targeted" and singled out by this rhetoric. If Jared Loughner was simply crazed maniac in general then he could have gone and shot anyone, anytime, anywhere. The fact that he carefully planned and chose his intended victim, makes me believe that on top of the whole crazed maniac, he was a crazed maniac with a plan. But this is old news and I've already screamed about it, and been screamed at about it, and all this screaming isn't going to bring back the people who died or the fact that it's still very easy for your everyday psycho to get a gun and shoot up a supermarket in this country.

Yes, the world is a shitty place sometimes and horrible things happen to good people, and sometimes birds fall out of the sky for no apparent reason but the brains behind Generals International, namely Cindy Jacobs, knows the reason why and wants to tell us all: It's The Gays. The Gays are the reason why birds are falling from the sky in Arkansas. It's all The Gays fault with their "gayness" and wanting be treated equally and get married and have children and fight in the military and have their Barbra Streisand and their Project Runway and their Village People! IT'S TEH GAYZ!!!!!

You know, if there was anyone more deserving of a slap in the face with a high school science textbook, it would be this woman. I mean, seriously, how do these people get up in the morning and function? They're idiots. Yes, you're right Cindy! "God" is making birds fall out of the sky because a vast portion of society believes they are deserving of the same human rights that everyone else has! Absolutely. Makes perfect sense. This "god", who is notorious for sending rains that drown all of Earth's population (except for an incestuous man and his family and a handful of non-gay animals), is going to make a bunch of birds die. In one state. In one county. Because of "teh gayz". This "god" who supposedly sent a devastating earthquake to Haiti because they "made a deal with the devil" some two hundred years ago. This "god" who turns his head when young girls and children as young as 18 months old are being gang raped in violent African countries. This "god" who rained fire and brimstione on Sodom and Gomorrah. No. He kills birdies. He kills little bitty birdies to get his point across. Really? Really??????? My eyes just fell out my head they are rolling so hard.

And FYI, the birds "fell out of the sky" because they were stupid. They were killed by blunt force trauma to the head and breast when they became spooked by fireworks and flew into buildings. It had nothing to do with a supernatural entity being upset over "teh gayz".

Next. Anyone catch Ricky Gervais' sign off at the Golden Globes?

I love Ricky and I love how most people don't understand that statement. The religious will be quick to jump on the phrase as Gervais' admittance that he does indeed believe in god and therefore is thanking him, while in fact, the statement itself is riddled with irony. Something lost on the hardcore holy rollers I've noticed. The statement itself implies that the more one studies about the concept, teachings, books, history, etc. about "god" (whichever one you choose), the inevitable conclusion you will reach is that there isn't one/aren't any. In essence, the more you know about god, the less you are likely to believe in one.

Next. I want to hang out with Olivia from Jerseylicious.

Next. It is 2011 and I will be 37 years old in June. I am extremely excited that for one year of my existence on this pale blue dot, I will be able to accurately quote Monty Python and have it be relevant.

Now all I have to do is change my name to "Dennis" and I'll be all set.

Finally (for now, at least), the inevitable "Baby and Big Brother Update" that no one really cares about except me and my immediate family, and possibly some "baby and big brother" fetishist out there in the interwebz.

All is well here. Baby Dorian is six months old, babbling away like he's trying to recite Shakespeare, completely attached to me (I can't leave the room to go to the bathroom without him screaming), and in complete awe of his big brother. Big Brother Dante is loving his Montessori school, obsessed with Transformers (namely Bumblebee and Optimus Prime), ornery, stubborn, and smarter than he should be, and completely in awe of his little brother.

Life is good. I blame it on The Gays.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

E-Mail Antics Continued - now with Comments!

That wascally neo-con is back and he's vewy vewy cranky! My comments are in red.

"I am not insulted or offended by you, simply amused. I surf the
Internet looking for deranged libs (in between downloading porn and Ann Coulter sound bytes) and just stumbled upon a few of your comments. I am actually sorry I sent the email as you are a
waste of time.(I am such a "waste of time" that they actually took the time out of their "busy" schedule to email me. Twice.)

Very predictable oldgothmom,(in the words of Dennis, 'I'm 37, I'm not old!'-that was a Monty Python reference. May have been too 'high-brow' for the situation) btw posting my email on your silly blog.(it's so silly, that they feel the need to come back to it. Repeatedly. And write me emails.) True liberal form. (Dammit! I was only trying to attempt a Half-true liberal form. I must have not stuck the landing.) I am certain you know exactly what Kos is, you
copy and paste from there relentlessly just like your Kool-Aid
drinking ilk. (Ugh, I hate Kool-Aid. Too much sugar. I prefer Crystal Light. Only 5 calories!) Nothing but lemmings that use every logical fallacy in
the book (Hey, that sounds just like what religious folks do with the Bible!)and regurgitate what you read on the same few liberal sites.

People like you only represent about two percent of the population so
I am not overly concerned about you or what you think. (Obviously not! I mean, you only took the time out to email me. Twice.) Comic relief (A great charity, by the way)
for those of us who live in reality (with Jesus and an Imaginary Friend in the sky) is all I think of you, nothing

Finally, people who claim to be highly educated do so because their
arguments and points are weak and this appeal somehow bolsters their
babble or somehow raises it above elementary school level. ( I know, how true. I hate it when Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly try to play actual journalists). People who
are truly smart see through this and are nothing more than amused by
it." (Hence the reason why I find you so adorably amusing!)

-looking forward to the next email!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Aw, I've Insulted a Conservative. Call the Whaaaambulance

It's official. I've pissed off a Conservative Idiot. I feel so special. This fucktard took the time to send me an email personally. I am sure it cut into their FAUX News/700 Club marathon. But thanks for taking the time. I must be doing something right!

Here's the email:

"I have seen many off your posts online and would like to say that you
have sunk to a new low today.

Someone as smart as you claim to be surely knows what I am talking
about so I won't bore you with specifics.

Your blog is crap as much as the drivel you post elsewhere, hope you
realize that you come off as judgmental, shipload, cowardly, as
uninformed not logical at all.

You were among the first to jump to conclusions about the shooting
today by assigning blame to people you simply disagree with. This is
not smart, noble, or logical, nor does it represent any form of free
thought. Mere parroting the likes of Kos makes you no better than any
basement dwelling lefty zombie."


I think that my only comment is that I find it odd that the words "logic" and "free thought" are being used by someone who believes in sky fairies, who then in turn refers to me as a "zombie". The irony is sickeningly funny.

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and thanks for making me feel so special. I am pissing off the right people!

EDIT: What the hell is "Kos"? And also, I think it is funny that I am being lambasted for jumping to conclusions about a certain individual as to having ties to bags of tea, while very same conservatards think "muslim" and "terrorist" are the same word and who carry around signs linking Stalin, Marx, Castro and Obama together. Check out MORONS WITH SIGNS for, possibly, the email's author's close friends and family.

But again, we're not dealing with the brightest of folks here.